Demons
by Neurotika
Summary: Bella Swan was only seventeen when her world started falling apart. Can five new friends with Demons of their own help Bella fight hers? ALL HUMAN. M for language, underage drinking and mild drug use. This story deals with mental health and may offend.
1. Chapter 1 Nothing To Lose

My name is Bella. Just Bella. Not Isabella as my mother calls me. Got it?

I'm eighteen and my life is a complete wreck. Not only am I being shipped off to live with my father but the guy I've been completely in love with for the last two years dumped me four months ago and to top it all off, I've just been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Oh, what a joy.

My parents split when I was five. I came home from school to find that my father had gone. Mom didn't seem too upset by that fact. Figures. She doesn't really give a shit about anything to be honest. Mom's a "free spirit," as Phil put it. Mom and Phil got together not long after Mom and Dad got divorced. He's been more of a father to me that Charlie has.

Charlie is the chief of police in a small town in Washington called Forks. I used to spend my summers there with him, until I finally put my foot down when I was fourteen. Ever since then Charlie flies to Phoenix to spend two weeks with me every year.

I am not looking forward to this. How the hell is moving to a stupidly green, rainy part of nowhere going to solve my, ahem, issues? I heard mom yelling at me from downstairs then.

"Bella? We're almost ready now. Your cases are in the car hon."

All of my worldly belongings are packed into two suitcases in the back of Phil's SUV. How pathetic is that, my whole world boils down to two suitcases. I look around my room for the last time, mentally saying goodbye to the faded purple walls and the stupid white curtains on the window. Oh my god, I'm going to miss this hideous room.

I heard a car horn outside. Phil must be ready. Time to leave the sunshine behind. I grabbed my messenger bag and walked slowly through the house, remembering some of the more memorable moments I've had in this house.

The bathroom, where Mom found me sitting on the floor, covered in my own blood, when I was thirteen, crying that I wanted it all to end.

Our kitchen, where Phil had tried to convince me to eat two months ago. I was just skin and bone. Mania is not good for the appetite.

Ah, the hallway. Six months ago, I had woken up lying on the carpet. I had never been so wasted. James had thrown a party at his house, and the pair of us had got completely wrecked. I can still taste the vomit now. Good times B. Shame you'll never do that again.

Phil honking of the horn broke my out of my reminiscing. I hurried through the front door and into the SUV. I muttered "Goodbye" under my breath as we drove away from the house that had been my home since I was seven years old.

We got to the airport and checked my luggage, getting my boarding pass before heading through security. I kept my messenger with me. No one, and I mean no one, was taking that from me. It contained all the things I hold dear to me, my iPod, laptop, sketchbook, and notebooks. Sure, it weighs a ton, but that's my life in there. Would you let someone take your kid away from you once it got too heavy? Yeah, didn't think so.

My flight was called. Mom pulled me into a hug and started crying. I hate it when she does that.

"I'm going to miss you so much Isabella. I hope you get better soon honey. Then we can be a family again." She sobbed into my shoulder. God mom! I'm not fucking dying! I'm mental, not fucking sick you tool!

"I'll miss you too, Mom."

Phil was next in line for hugs. "I'll miss you kiddo," he said simply, hugging me and kissing the top of my head.

"Bye, Phil." I whispered hoarsely. I would miss him more that my own mother. He seemed to care a bit more about my life. Mom was too busy with her life to think about mine. Phil, on the other hand, was my best friend. It was Phil I had gone to when Marcus Valera kissed me for the first time when I was twelve. It was Phil I ran to when my period started. It was Phil I told first after I lost my virginity. Phil was everything to me and I was going to miss him so much.

"Love you, kid." He said, the corners of his mouth pulling down.

"Love you, too, Phil" I tried to smile. It must have looked more like a grimace because he started laughing at me. Soon both of us were nearly hysterical. Mom was just looking back and forth between us with a perplexed look on her face. She cleared her throat, cutting our laughter.

"Isabella, you have to go, sweetie."

I waved at my parents and walked to my doom.

I hate flying. I mean I really hate flying. I would rather walk to Washington on broken glass and lemon juice than fly. That is how much I hate flying.

The flight didn't take too long, thank god! Charlie met me at the airport, in the police cruiser of all things. We exchanged an awkward hug and greetings. Once my suitcases were in the cruiser we got in and started our drive home. Home is in Phoenix B. Not fucking FORKS!

"So…" Charlie started. He glanced over at me then quickly back out of the windshield. "Erm… Renee said you were diagnosed with something…" He trailed off into a question, shooting another look in my direction.

"Um… Yeah. I've got, um, Bipolar Disorder."

"And what the hell is Bipolar Disorder Bells?"

"It's a mood disorder Dad." I stopped to collect my thoughts, and then fed him "the speech" that I gave everyone else.

"Bipolar Affective Disorder is a mood disorder. Um, its main symptoms are cycles of serious depression and mania. It's sometimes a really serious condition to have but, uh, it affects millions of people throughout the world so it's not just me. Erm, the cycles are usually spread out over months or years but mine can change in, like, a few hours. Dad, I can go from high to low and back up to high in the space of two hours. It's so stupid." I paused, infuriated with my body for failing me, then blurted out, "It's a very exhausting thing to have. Every day is like a fight. I really hate it. I just want to be normal. Not have this freakish problem where I can't even control my own damn emotions. It sucks."

"Shit, Bella. Why did no one tell me? I'm your dad for Christ's sake. I should know these things!" Great, now my dad's mad and I haven't even been here a day yet. "Your mom just said you were ill and coming to stay until you were better. I had no idea…" He trailed off, frowning.

"Yeah, she's acting like I've got terminal cancer or something. She is seriously freaking out about this way too much. It's not as bad as it was. I seem to be on the right meds now. A bit of fine tuning and I'll be fine. Mom is taking it way too far."

"Drama Queen." He muttered.

"That's mom for you." I muttered back. We both laughed.

The conversation became easier then. We made small talk. He told me about the house, my new school, and the trouble a few kids had made last weekend down in La Push. I decided then and there that I actually liked Charlie a lot. He was so easy to talk to. Almost as easy as Phil. Maybe Forks won't be so bad. I think I might be able to survive here for a little while.

"So, you remember Billy Black?" He asked, still staring out of the windshield.

"Not really, but I do remember being dragged around in a boat with you and a guy you called Billy during my summers."

"Yeah, that's the one." He laughed. "Anyway, his son, Jacob, has a knack for rebuilding cars. So I got him to fix up the truck for you."

"No way, Dad!" I exclaimed. "Oh my god, the Chevy?" The Chevy had been my favourite toy in Forks. In the driving sense; however, it was useless. It hadn't started in decades.

"Yup. It runs like new."

"Dad, that's amazing" Yes! I wouldn't be going to school in the cruiser. I did an internal victory dance.

"There she is." He said as we pulled into his driveway. The faded red truck looked old. Beaten. Broken. Just like I felt. I think I've just found my soul mate. I got out of the cruiser and ran over to my truck, slipping on wet leaves and landing on my ass.

"You can play with the truck later Bella." Charlie laughed at me as he ran to pick me up. "Still a klutz, baby?"

"Of course I am, Dad." I laughed, rubbing the sore spot on my ass. "Always have been."

We got the cases out of the trunk and hauled them into the house and up into my bedroom. The room hadn't changed since the last time I was here. It was still light blue, with plastic glow in the dark stars stuck on the walls that I had insisted on when I was twelve and determined that I was going to be an astronaut.

"I'll let you get settled hon." He said as he backed out of the door.

"Hey, Dad?" I called before he could close the door.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks… For everything."

"No problem Bella." He said gruffly. "Get unpacked and have some shut-eye. You've got a big day tomorrow." I nodded as he closed the door with a soft click.

I threw myself into unpacking my belongings. After I had finished, it looked more like my room than just the room I slept in every summer. I sat on the bed and felt the familiar sinking in my stomach. "Here comes the low," I muttered under my breath. I felt the darkness settling in my body, the despair crawling through my veins, turning my blood into mud. I hated being this.

I grabbed my notebook and started writing. It's the only way I can get some of the pain out without hurting myself. I used to just cut myself when I felt like this. That is the reason I got tattooed on that arm, I refused to cut through such a beautiful thing.

The darkness is suffocating.

It's all I can breathe,

It's all I am,

It's who I am.

White is fading.

Black crawling through.

Eating me.

Tearing me.

Ripping, biting and devouring me.

Light exists at the opposite end of the tunnel.

Dimmed as it is.

I know it's there.

I feel its warmth.

But I'm becoming cold.

My features are distorting.

Skin peeling from bone.

Lungs infected and heart exposed.

Kill it.

I'm broken.

Down on the ground, I bleed my rotten blood.

It seeps out of every pore.

I'm fading.

Free me?

I finally lifted my eyes from the page and looked outside. I hadn't realized it was so late. I swallowed my meds like a good little girl and crawled into my bed. Hoping that when I woke up, I would either be manic, normal or dead.


	2. Chapter 2 Mercy Me

"_Oh mercy me._

_God bless catastrophe._

_There's no way in hell_

_You'll ever live to see through this" – Mercy Me – Alkaline Trio_

My name is Bella. Just Bella. Not Isabella as these fucktards keep calling me. It's just Bella fucking Swan. Got it?

Needless to say, my first day at Forks High is not going well. First off, I slept through my alarm. Normally, I could have skipped my morning shower, but after travelling all day yesterday, I was not cool with that at all. I had less than thirty minutes before I had to leave for school. My shower took up seven of those precious minutes. I am the master of quick showers!

After my shower I managed to choke up my meds after swallowing them with half a pint of Coke. Not a good idea. Then the damn straighteners were not playing nice so my hair is still wavy and looks like a birds nest. James used to call this hair my "sex hair." _God, I miss my Jay. Gah! __Get a grip, Isabella Marie Swan, there is no point in thinking about him now, he's in Phoenix, and you're in Forks. He left you, he didn't want you anymore. You're over it. So stop thinking about him right this minute. _I really need to stop the inner monologues. They take up far too much time.

The stupid truck wouldn't start when I finally got into it, so I spent a good ten minutes stomping on the clutch before anything happened. The truck suddenly roared to life, scaring the shit out of me and causing me to stall. _Damn it! _"Please start. Please start." I chanted to the centre console, stomping down hard on the clutch again. "Thank you Jesus" I muttered to the roof of the cab as the engine grumbled. I finally made it to school, with five minutes to spare. I am god!

I got my class schedule from the front office and then I was met by the most hyper active person I have ever met. She was a head shorter than me with dark, almost black, hair in a pixie cut. I had the strangest urge to pick her up and carry her around with me. That was before she opened her mouth and spoke.

"Hi! You must be Chief Swan's daughter, Isabella!" She chirped, slightly faster than the speed of light, bouncing up and down on the spot. "I'm Alice Brandon. God, I love your hair by the way. It looks sexy. Oh my god! Where did you get that bag? Is that vintage Chanel?" She looked up at my lost expression. The bell rang, saving me from trying to answer any of this Alice person's questions. _I am going to hate her. _I really hoped I wouldn't hate her; it would be nice to be on speaking terms with one person in school. Alice grabbed my schedule out of my hands and poured over it before smiling up at me.

"So Isabella, apparently, we have all our classes up to lunch together, so you can sit by me!" She seemed obviously happy at this, earning more bouncing from the pixie.

"It's just Bella by the way." I muttered following her to our first class.

I was embarrassed in every class. Obviously I was the new kid, but my English teacher actually made me stand at the front of the class and introduce myself. It was hell! Everyone was calling me Isabella. I will eternally hate my mother for that name. By the time lunch came I was getting perpetually annoyed with correcting everyone. _MY FUCKING NAME IS BELLA FUCKING SWAN! _I yelled to everyone in my head.

At least lunch was interesting. Alice dragged me to the lunch hall. As it turns out, I loved Alice. We got on great. I felt like I could trust her with anything. She reminded me of Phil, always keen to talk. She asked me why I moved to Forks. I didn't feel like telling her the real reason for my departure from sunshine and sanity. I fobbed her off with a story about needing a change of scenery and some father/daughter time with the chief. She looked at me like she knew I was lying.

"You can trust me you know, Bells. I'm here when you're ready to tell me the real reason you moved here." I smiled at the way she had called me Bells, no one does that until they've known me a good while. Although at this moment I felt like I had known Alice all of my life. I still felt nervous that she had seen through my facade so quickly. I just hoped no one else would. I was trying so hard to be normal; I didn't want everyone to know how much of a freak I was. I just wanted a normal life.

"Come meet the gang." She said over her shoulder, breaking me out of my thoughts. _Shit. Other people I'm going to have to lie to. Dear sweet Jesus, please save me!_

I followed Alice across the lunch hall, almost tripping over thin air a few times. She sat down at a table on our left and instructed the biggest guy I've seen in my life to "Shift it Em. That's Bella's seat now."

The whole table looked up at me. I just stood there like an imbecile. "Bella. Sit." Alice instructed. I sat down quickly beside her. I looked around the table. I was informed that the monster beside me was Emmett McCarty. The blonde supermodel on his right was Rosalie Hale. The blonde guy next to Alice was Jasper Whitlock, Rosalie's step-brother, and the beautiful bronze haired boy staring at me with piercing green eyes was Emmett's cousin, Edward Masen.

The whole table seemed to warm to me. They were really very friendly towards me. We chatted and made small talk. They were telling me stories about their summers. I hardly replayed mine, seeing as I was on suicide watch for most of it, kept prisoner in my house with mom as my prison guard.

I felt the familiar buzz of impending mania creep through me. I tried my hardest to contain myself, limiting myself to bouncing my leg under the table. I wanted to be as far away from the lunch room as I could. I couldn't let them see me like this; I'd only just met them. _Bell, calm the fuck down. NOW!_

I looked around the table, trying to ignore my whirring mind, I figured I had all of them pegged, just by listening to them talk and watching the way they interacted with each other. They were a solid, fully functioning machine.

Emmett was the clown, he was probably the person who cheers you up when you're upset by telling you incredibly crude jokes. The muscled exterior made him look like a hard ass, but it seemed like he was a teddy bear on the inside considering the way his face softened when he looked at the blonde next to him. Judging by the way he was absentmindedly stroking the back of Rosalie's perfectly manicured hand, he was absorbed in her, they seemed to just exist together.

My first impression of Rosalie Hale was that she was a complete bitch. She was not proving me wrong with her pointed looks at my oversized jeans and beat up converse. However, at this moment, I didn't care about the fact she obviously felt my dress sense was disgusting. I was flying and she was not bringing me down.

Jasper seemed like the kind of guy you just sat next to and felt comfortable watching shitty DVDs with. He was quiet, seemed completely sensitive and utterly in love with Alice, it was obvious by the way her looked at her. I wondered how long he had been in love with her and if she knew it yet.

Alice. _My Alice._ In the half day that I had known her, I already loved her. She was controlling, manipulative and interfering, but in a good way. Alice was the glue that stuck the five of them together. They were her family. The connection she seemed to have with every one was remarkable, she even made Superbitch laugh and the sullen Edward crack a crooked grin.

Edward. Hmmm, Edward. Complex. Puzzling. Guarded. On the outside though, he just went along with everyone else. I had a feeling about him. My "feelings" are never a good thing, I obsess over them, however, I didn't think I'd mind obsessing over Edward Masen. At least, until I figured out exactly who he was. I wanted to know what was bothering him so much. Was it my intrusion into his group that had him so pensive? Did he hate me already?

I had biology with him next. It was an easy class. Edward and I were partnered up and finished our lab first. We spent the remainder of the period talking. He seemed really easy going and incredibly funny. He didn't hesitate a second before he was telling stories about growing up with Emmett that had me gasping for breath through my giggles. He apologised for the cold shoulder he gave me at lunch, saying that he didn't really trust anyone except his family and his friends. I could completely understand where he was coming from. Back home, I didn't trust anyone except Phil. No one else.

Edward then told me how both his and Emmett's parents had been killed in a car accident when they were toddlers. They had been out buying gifts for their Aunt Esme's baby shower. After the crash, Esme had lost the baby. Edward and Emmett now lived with her and her husband, taking the place of the twins she had been carrying. Both of them saw Esme as their mother and her husband, Carlisle, as their father.

In the hall on the way to my next class, I shuddered at the thought of losing my parents. I don't know what I'd do if any of them died, let alone all three of them. I don't think I would survive that. I was in complete awe of the way Edward and Emmett were fully functioning people. They seemed happy in amongst all the sadness and heart break in their lives.

It was gym time. I despaired at the fact gym was mandatory for all students. In my current state of barely controlled hyperactivity, gym was going to be harder to reign myself in. However, Bella Swan, queen of clumsiness, was not good with physical education. Especially not badminton, which we were playing today. It would probably be safer to hand me a shot gun. I didn't waste any time before I smacked my partner in the arm several times. Apologising over and over. Then before class ended, I caught someone in the head with my racket. I apologised profusely to him.

"Hey, don't sweat it." He said looking at me through blue eyes. He had spiky blonde hair with far too much gel in it. Obviously the saying less is more, means nothing to him. "My name's Mike. Mike Newton. You're Isabella, right?"

"It's just Bella." I said, hoping that the bell would ring quickly. I really wasn't digging the way this guy was looking at me. It was giving me the creeps. I felt like all my prayers were answered right that minute. We were sent to change. Hallelujah, praise the lord!

I walked to my truck. Glad that my first day was over. I was less nervous about tomorrow, thanks to the fact that I knew I would be with Alice. I didn't usually make friends easily. I mean, it had taken me the best part of four years to actually interact with my friends back in Phoenix, and yet with Alice, I've known her for less than a day and she makes me feel like I've been her friend forever. _Seriously B, you're starting to sound like you're in love with the girl. _I was laughing internally at myself as I approached my truck. I opened my door and made to get in when I heard Alice behind me.

"Bells!" She screeched, running towards me at full pelt with Jasper following obediently behind her. "You totally have to come out tonight. We're all heading over to Emmett's for the back to school poker night. You really, really, really need to come!" She was practically vibrating with excitement.

"Jeez Alice, I don't know. I mean, I only got here yesterday. I haven't really spent any time with my dad yet…"

"No way. You're coming. I'll be over at six. See ya!" She walked away, leaving me standing dumbstruck next to my open truck door. _Holy shit. What just happened there? _Jasper smiled apologetically at me before turning and heading towards Alice.

I was overseeing the cooking of my lasagne in the oven whilst doing my English homework on the kitchen worktop when Dad came home.

"Bells, how was your first day?" He asked brightly. He looked around the spotless kitchen with a frown. "Why did you clean my kitchen?" I told him about having a barely controlled manic episode at school and taking my energy and frustration out on the kitchen. I tried to talk slowly so he could understand; I tried to keep my mind from flying at the speed of light. I could see him starting to get cross-eyed from my chattering. I preferred to be on my own when I am manic, there's less chance of arguments or confrontations. Neither of those things are good when I'm in this state, I get easily frustrated and lash out. I stay away so no one gets hurt. I then filled him in on my day and my encounter with Alice after school.

"Ah, yeah. Probably should have warned you about Alice Brandon. Her mom mans the front desk at the station; her father, Alec, is a major architect. The Brandon's are rolling in it, I have no idea why Jane got a job, it's not like they need the money, something about having company. Anyway, Alice has been dying to be your friend. She was practically camping out at the station to find out when you'd get here. She's a good kid, just a bit over hyper. Her mom jokes that she was dropped way too many times as a kid." He laughed as I dished up our dinner.

"So you don't mind me going with her tonight? She was pretty adamant that I was going." I said putting a plate of lasagne in front of him.

"You go have fun kid. You deserve it." He said before taking a bite. "Jesus Bella, this is amazing." I blushed at the compliment. We ate our dinner in comfortable silence. Dad had second helpings while I picked at my meal. Once I had ate almost a plate of lasagne, Charlie cleaned the dishes. "Make you a deal." He said, scrubbing the plates. "You make dinners like that and I swear to God, you'll never wash another dish in this house in your life." He laughed.

"You have yourself a deal there Chief Swan. I really hate doing dishes." I said retreating upstairs to finish my homework. As I reached the top step, I felt mind stop whirring so much, I might actually be able to concentrate now.

I just finished the last of my work when Alice came flying in through my bedroom door and straight to my closet, throwing the doors open in front of her and revealing my dire wardrobe.

"Alice, what are you doing?" I whined.

"Getting your outfit." She said firmly. "Do you own anything except too big jeans and sweats?" She huffed with a raised eyebrow, holding a pair of my favourite sweats in front of her with a look of disgust creeping onto her face.

"I lost a lot of weight before I came to Forks and I haven't really had the chance to buy clothes recently." It was the god-honest truth. My mom had basically had me under house arrest after I was diagnosed. Before that, I had been wallowing in self-pity over James breaking up with me and the state my life was getting into.

"How the hell did you drop what looks like three dress sizes right before coming to Forks? I find that hard to believe. There is always a chance to shop!"

"Alice, it's a long story."

"I'm listening."

I told her my story, trying to skip the goriest bits. I started my story two and a half years earlier, when I had met James. An incredibly sweet and intelligent boy with absolutely no common sense. We fell quick and hard for each other. He could make me laugh by just looking at me. We lost our virginity together and planned our lives out completely. We were both going to the same college after graduating high school. We had everything from where we would live to our kids names picked out. His family moved into the house right across the street from me two months after we got together. We spent every day together. He was everything that I ever wanted.

I had healed from a bought of serious depression right before I met him. I had been so low, cutting myself with a Stanley knife everyday to feel something except numb. I had tried to kill myself three times in one day. That was the day my mother found me in the bathroom crying that I wanted it all to go away. I went to therapy and started medication that actually made me worse. After talking with my therapist once a week for two months and coming off my medication, I was given the all clear. Then James happened, he was the security that I had always needed.

James and I were perfect for each other, but I had to hide what I was from him. He was a truly happy person who didn't understand how I could feel the way I did. So when the depression crawled back into my life, I hid it from him. I always let the mania through, it was hard not to. I just thought I was really happy. I didn't realise there was anything seriously wrong until James broke up with me. He told me he couldn't handle my yo-yo moods anymore.

I had begged and pleaded with him not to leave me but he didn't listen, I got over it though. I still miss him. I don't miss being his girlfriend, but I miss being around him. My ever changing moods drove every one away from me before I left Phoenix. No one knew how to handle the way I was, but James tried to stay my friend and I miss being around him.

I decided to talk to Phil about what was happening to me the night James broke up with me. I went back into therapy and was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder. The mood swings were exhausting me. The lows were always so low; all I could do was stay in bed and cry. The highs on the other hand, some were subtle and others were full blown crazy. I never felt the mania coming on. It wasn't until I was doing something stupid like when I found myself standing on the roof of my house that I realised what was happening and started panicking.

My therapist and I finally found a medication that helped me a little, I still wasn't there yet, but at least now I had some middle ground to catch my breath. Some of the medications I had tried made my lows horrendously lower than I had ever experienced and took away my highs, leaving me suicidal. Others had taken away my lows but left me with constant mania that I couldn't sleep, let alone eat. Now I was on a medication that seemed to only let the lows get so low but the highs were still exhausting. I wasn't dangerous to anyone or myself anymore. However, my appetite was almost completely lost. I ate when I was hungry. I had tried to force myself to eat three meals a day, but that had only made me sick. Now, I ate a full meal once day or so, but at least tried to eat a meal every night. I always made sure I had a bottle of water to keep myself hydrated and took vitamins and supplements to try and keep my body in working order.

"That's how I dropped three dress sizes Alice." I whispered, trying to avoid her gaze.

"Fuck Bella." Was all that she said as she unfroze from her place in front of my now open closet, and sitting down on my bed beside me. I saw the tears in her eyes, threatening to spill over. _Please don't pity me Alice, that's the last thing that I need._ She put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me against her side with surprising strength for someone so tiny. "Well, I guess we'll just have to make do with what we've got then." She wiped her eyes, removing the traces of her unspent tears and pulled a shiny black pencil case from her oversized bag. "Just as well the poker night doesn't start for another hour. That gives me some time."

"Time for what Alice?"

"To fix you an outfit, what else. Silly Bella." She said with a smile, grabbing a pair of jeans from my closet. "I need a pair of scissors." She looked visibly shaken by the things I had told her when I handed her the scissors. We chatted while she was fiddling with scraps that used to be a pair of jeans. We talked more about my condition, the ways it made me feel, the meds I was on and how I took my mind off it. I told her about my notebooks full of nonsensical prose and poems. She told me more about her family and friends, and of course, her passion for fashion.

Forty-five minutes later, whilst I was pulling a cardigan over myself, I was deemed "finished" as Alice had put it so eloquently. She had spent fifteen minutes hacking up my jeans and turning them into a skirt that covered my ass and almost little else, cutting off the waistband and altering it. The jeans she had massacred had been my favourite, black, skinny jeans, now they hung loosely off of my hips and were surprisingly comfortable. She teamed the skirt with my dark grey, beat up, 19-holer, doc martens and then shredded a t-shirt and turning it into a vest with a low neckline. I had to admit, she did well with what she had. Even if my room was now covered in scraps of black denim and cotton t-shirt pieces.

I had neglected to tell Alice about the mess my arm was. She ignored the scars and swooned over the tribal heart and swirls that now covered my right arm from wrist to elbow, telling me how it looked incredibly feminine, even although it was huge. Maybe she shouldn't see the rest of my body.

We headed down stairs to say goodbye to Charlie. Alice gave him a hug and brightly said "Goodnight Chief" as she headed out of the door, did the same, telling him that I had my keys. We got into Alice's car and started heading to Emmett and Edward's house and the poker night that Alice told me always ended up more party than poker game.

"Alice?" I asked her nervously. I wasn't sure if I should say anything. I had to. I just had to know.

"Hmm?"

"Erm… I don't know if you've noticed or anything but I, um, well, I, sort of noticed, today at lunch. Erm, well, um…"

"Jeez, Bella!" She laughed. "Spit it out, girl!"

"Alice, do you know that Jasper is in love with you."

"Yeah, I know."

"What? You know and it doesn't bother you?" I was dumbfounded.

"I've been waiting on Jasper Whitlock asking me out for about a year now. He'll get around to it soon. I think I really pissed him off when I went out with Tyler, but to be honest, he got me back with Maria. You won't meet her by the way. Luckily, she moved away to Atlanta, right after she fucked my man." I saw her stare murderously out of the windshield. "I really did not appreciate hearing Maria telling everyone in the girls locker room how great a lay Jazz is. She was my best friend. She fucking knew how I felt about him." She was positively raging now. "Fucking bitch." She hissed. Okay, I was in shock now.

"So she knew about your feelings for Jasper and went ahead and slept with him?"

"Yes." She said with her jaw clenched.

"Hold on, if you knew how Jasper felt about you, why didn't you do anything about it?"

"Jasper is a gentleman. He feels it's the mans place to make the first move. And I respect his views. Plus, I feel like a complete skank asking guys out." She paused for breath and looked across, assessing my expression. "He'll get around to it soon. Very soon. I can feel it." I could see the Cheshire cat grin creeping across her face.

"You're in love with him too, aren't you?"

"I have been for a while now. I've been waiting for Jasper for a very long time. Long before he came to Forks."

We drove the rest of the way in silence. I went over our conversation. It was insane. The whole situation was completely insane. He was in love with her; she was in love with him. Yet, they both went with other people. I'd bet you my last dollar that Jasper was waiting for Alice to make the first move. _Let's see if I can nudge things along a bit tonight. I really owe Alice for helping me fit in today._

"We're here." Alice said as we turned up the drive of, what can only be described as a mansion.

_Fucking hell, are they that rich?_

We walked up to the door, Alice knocked once and walked straight in, dragging me behind her.

_Here goes…_


	3. Chapter 3 Saturday Superhouse

"_Look out kid,_

_Cause here it comes._

_You're not the lucky ones."_

_Saturday Superhouse – Biffy Clyro_

My name is Bella goddamned Swan. Not Isa-fucking-Bella as everyone at this damn party keeps calling me. Comprende?

The poker night had somehow turned into a party before Alice and I had even arrived. Emmett and Edward's house was now full of kids from our school in various states of inebriation. I have been here two hours; Alice has completely disappeared and I haven't even seen Rosalie and Emmett yet. So I'm sitting in the kitchen, in a drunken stupor with an equally drunk Edward and Jasper

The last two hours of my life have been the best in a long time. I was actually unnerved by how easily I fit in with everyone here. Even in Phoenix, it took me years to find a friend that I could talk openly with. Even more unnerving was the fact that those five had accepted me so easily. It was like I was part of them. _And I loved it._

"Where did Em and Rose go?" Edward whined at the empty seat across from him.

"Huh?" _Jesus Bella. Huh? Is that really all you have?_

"Dude, they left like half an hour ago. I hate it when they just leave without saying anything," Jasper huffed in Edwards direction "Alice vanished about fifteen minutes ago, I saw her sneak off upstairs with Newton." Jasper fumed from beside me.

I got brave. Damn the bottle of tequila the three of us had polished off at the start of the party.

"Jasper, can I ask a question?" I slurred at him.

"Shoot."

"Why haven't you asked Alice out yet?" _Hell, Bella. Seriously, do not play drunken cupid. It does not work for you._

"You what?" He looked genuinely shocked at my question. I repeated, asking him twice more before I got a reply.

"Um, I… well… I sort of… Jesus. Do you smoke?"

_What. The. Fuck._

"You didn't answer my question," I whinged.

"If you answer mine, I'll be able to answer yours."

"Occasionally, why?"

"Come with me Bellarino."

Jasper stood up and looked at Edward, motioning him to follow. It took three tries before Edward's butt was free from the chair. He chuckled and stumbled his way to Jasper and I.

We followed Jasper out to the back of the Masen-McCarty-Cullen house and up to a gazebo in the back right corner, the three of us swaying and unsteady. He sat on one of the four chairs and pulled out a Ziploc bag from his jacket pocket.

"Um…" I started. "I didn't know you smoked weed."

"Oh, I've got a pack of cigarettes if you want one of those instead."

"I don't mind it. I just really want an answer from you, that's, all. I have an enquiring mind tonight."

He took a pre made joint from the bag and lit it, inhaling deeply. He took a few more puffs before handing it to Edward and relaxing on his chair. I was still standing against one of the poles holding the roof up. Edward took it and looked up at me.

"You can not tell anyone what you are about to see Bella. Not a soul." He half whispered to me, his green eyes boring into me.

"What?" _I'm confused. What the hell is he on about? _I looked over at Jasper who sat smiling at me.

Edward took a long drag from the joint between his fingers. He blew out the smoke with a satisfied sigh. "You can't tell anyone that you saw me do that, especially Emmett." His tone was firm.

"Why not?"

"Come on Bella, his father's a doctor and Emmett is a sports nut and health fanatic. What do you think would happen if they knew their precious little Eddiekins was a pot-head," Jasper giggled. Yes, giggled. As in, like a girl.

I laughed. Mainly at Jasper, but the less he knew about that, the better. Edward handed the joint to me and without thinking, I inhaled. I didn't notice the taste due to the tequila robbing me of taste buds, along with sanity and rational thinking. I took three more draws and handed it back to Jasper.

"So no one knows that you two are stoners?" I asked seriously, feeling calm creeping through my system.

"They know Jasper smokes weed, but not me. I'd like to keep it that way. As of now, you're in the secret club, so keep it zipped" Edward replied with his eyes closed and a smile on his lips.

"I feel so special." I mocked, pretending to wipe away a tear while they both giggled at me.

_You're supposed to be grilling Jasper, not getting stoned Bells._

"So Jasper, my question needs an answer, buddy." I stated as I stumbled over to a chair and flopped down in it, only just managing not to flash my underwear at the guys. _Note to self; buy clothes that fit you, that way, Alice won't feel the need to play dress up with you. Who are you kidding Bells, she will probably do it anyway._

"I'll warn you now, Alice is a touchy subject." Edward said from his chair with his eyes still closed and a smile still on his lips. Jasper inhaled once again and sighed when the smoke came back out of his mouth.

"I've never asked Alice out because we're friends and I know that's the only way she'll ever see me." He looked down and started fiddling with the hem of his shirt "Plus, she always has a guy after her, which makes it entirely obvious to me that she isn't interested in being with me." He huffed "Sometimes, it feels like she wants me like that, but as soon as I gather up the courage to ask her about maybe getting together, she finds someone else. I want Al to be happy, and if some jerk like Michael Newton does that, it's fine. As long as she's happy."

The look of hurt on his face made me want to climb onto his lap and hug him until it didn't hurt anymore. _Idiot. _I silently screamed at him._ She's in love with you. TOOL!_

"Jasper, that girl is crazy about you. I know she is. She's been waiting on you to get your shit together the whole time. She's waiting on you, but she isn't going to stay lonely. I've known you all less than a day and even I can see that you two are meant for each other." I was getting agitated with him. It was so simple, frustratingly so. I was truly pissed off with him for not getting his ass in gear, "Dude, fucking grow a pair and ask her out."

"Bella," Edward opened his eyes to look at me, "Em, Rose and I have been telling him this for the last year and he's never listened to us, what makes you think he'll listen to you."

"You know what, I'm gonna go talk to her." Jasper grumbled "I need to know if there's a chance. Bella, if this works out, I will be your bitch for life." He stood up and handed the Ziploc to Edward then started staggering across the grass towards the house. I smiled at his retreating form. _Ok, Cupid, well done. Just back off and don't try anything else tonight._

"Ok, I'm stunned. Officially." Edward sighed lighting another joint. "He hasn't listened to us all this time and you've only been in town for a day and you've already knocked sense into him." He shook his head, "I think I love you Bella Swan."

"Thanks?" I laughed at him.

Edward and I sat there and finished our smoke, chatting about how the talk between Alice and Jasper was going. Edward started complaining about the weather getting cold so we stood and started stumbling towards the house, holding onto each other for support and laughing at the slightest thing. I was enjoying Edward's company; I really liked talking to him. I felt more comfortable with Edward and Jasper than I had in my entire life. _Steady Bella. You don't know them._

We made it back to the house and found, the long lost, Emmett and Rosalie kissing by the fridge. We both wolf whistled and cat called at the sight of the two of them, then burst into hysterical, drunken, laughter. Emmett flipped us off while Rosalie laughed into Emmett's chest.

The four of us stood talking in the kitchen. Neither Edward nor I noticed that his arm was still around my shoulder, or mine around his waist.

"So, little bro, something you wanna tell me and Rosie?" Emmett asked teasingly, pointing from Edward, to me and back again with a raised eyebrow and a wink. "Good show. You guys look cute together."

Edward removed his arm from my shoulder and frowned at the bulky man in front of him. "Actually, Emmett, dearest brother of mine," he slurred terribly. "Bella and I were out for a walk and she was cold." _Oh, boy, you're a liar! First off, there wasn't a lot of walking going on and second, it was you freezing your ass off out there, not me. _"So that, loving big brother, is why I was cuddling her."

Emmett looked like he had just been slapped. His eyes narrowed and red started creeping up his neck.

"Edward, don't ever talk to me like that, you condescending asshole." _I feel a brotherly war coming on. _

"You know what, Emmet," Edward said walking towards Emmet, "Fuck. You." Emmet looked enraged as he stepped forward, nose to nose with Edward, or almost, considering their height difference.

Rosalie grabbed my arm quickly and led me towards the living room, where the party was still going strong and away from the kitchen. _There's gonna be so many hangovers at school tomorrow. _I mused as I watched the throng of drunken teenagers dance and chat. Rosalie kept walking until we reached a quiet corner.

"Honestly, it's better to just let them get on with it. There is absolutely no point in trying to stop a fight between those two. It's been coming on for the last two weeks." She laughed. She sounded human; obviously alcohol turns Rosalie Hale into a mere mortal, not Superbitch. _God, I'm so funny that I even crack myself up._

"Do they fight a lot?" I asked apprehensively, not sure whether Superbitch would make an appearance.

"Once every other month. They just wind each other up constantly. What makes it worse is that they actually enjoy fighting with each other." She laughed again.

We heard the shouting begin from the kitchen. Everyone in the room was staring at the kitchen door, motionless, trying to hear the words being said in the next room. Music was still blaring from the speakers but there no dancing anymore. The volume of the shouts grew then abruptly stopped. The kitchen door flew open and Emmett walked out with a bloody nose. Edward was next to him with a fat lip and a red mark coming up on the side of his face. They were both laughing.

"What the fuck?" I said flatly.

"I know." Rosalie replied with a smile before walking back into the waiting arms of Emmett.

I stood in my spot, stunned at what had just happened. I could not get my head around what had just happened. I started wondering how things had gone between Alice and Jasper when I saw Alice coming downstairs.

"Al, where have you been?" I asked as she hugged me.

"I was making out with Mike Newton." She shrugged. _What the hell happened to Jasper? _

"Did Jasper find you? He went looking for you about ten minutes ago."

"Oh, shit." She muttered as she walked away from me, thus ending our conversation.

Edward was suddenly at my side and grinning like a fool.

"Edward, what the fuck?" I asked, my feelings of complete and utter confusion returning again.

"It's nothing, really." He assured me "Comes with the territory." He started chuckling.

"If you say so," I stated wearily. "Jasper didn't find Alice." I added.

"I wonder what happened to him. If he hadn't found her, he would have come back to us. Something must have happened. Have you seen Ali?"

"Yeah, she came over and said hi. I asked her where she had been and she said she'd been upstairs making out with Mike. I mentioned that Jasper went looking for her and she just said 'shit' and walked away again. That girl is going to give me whiplash."

"You don't think he walked in on them do you?"

"Shit. I bet you anything that's why she said 'shit' and bolted."

The look of disappointment on Edwards face said it all. He huffed out a breath and looked at me.

"Smoke?"

"Most definitely. Lead the way Mr Masen." I mocked. "Hold up, does the fact that Jasper and Alice didn't work now make me Jasper's bitch?"

Edward laughed. Genuine, side splitting guffaws. Between his heaving laughter I caught the words 'maid uniform' and 'skittles'. I didn't really want to know what the deal with the maid uniform and skittles was so I let it slide. I headed out to the garden again with Edward on my heels and flopped back onto the chair I had been sitting on earlier.

He pulled Jasper's Ziploc from his pocket and lit up, inhaling deeply.

"I'm seriously getting worried about Jazz." He stated.

"Why? He's a big boy; he can probably look after himself."

"Bella, how would you feel walking in on the person you love, making out with someone you really don't like?"

"Ah. Gotcha." I paused to take the joint from Edward, "Do you think he's ok?"

"Silly question Bella. How would you feel walking in on the person you love, making out with someone you don't like?" He repeated.

"I wonder where he is." The words were barely out of my mouth when Jasper stumbled out of the house and made his way to us.

"Jazz, you ok man?" Edward asked him once he sat down.

"Dude, she was fucking him." Even in the darkness of the garden, I could see the pain on his face and the unshed tears in his eyes. "She was fucking him." He stated bluntly.

"Jasper, are you sure that's what they were doing?" He turned his glare on me. I felt myself cower into the chair. "I mean, she said she was making out with him, not having sex with him."

"Bella. She was buck naked and riding that fucking prick like there was no tomorrow." He looked down at his feet, "It should have been me." He whispered. He drew in a breath and screamed at the roof of the gazebo, "IT SHOULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN ME!"

Edward and I let Jasper rant about how it should have been him with Alice and the things he would do if Mike so much as thought about someone else. He was so caught up in his rant that neither he nor Edward noticed Alice making her way towards us.

"Edward, give me the joint please." He handed me the still lit joint without looking away from Jasper, who was now intent on breaking his toes through his shoes. I finished the joint just as Alice reached the gazebo. Jasper was full on bawling his eyes out at this point.

"I just fucking love her. I should have asked her out so fucking long ago. Now she's fucking Michael Newton" he sneered, "and I'll never get another fucking chance with her." His last statement produced a fresh round of tears. Alice silently crept up behind me, unnoticed by the boys. I noticed that her eyes were almost as wet as Jaspers. "What the fuck am I going to do now? How the fuck… am I supposed to watch them together every day. I… It even hurts to fucking think about this. I'm such an idiot. I knew that she wouldn't be interested in me. But you-" He looked up at me and cut off. "Alice?" He asked, as if unsure it was really her behind me. Edward looked up to where Alice was standing and frowned.

"Jasper I-"

"Alice, how much did you hear?"

"I heard enough Jasper." She said quietly.

"Jasper," I cut in, "I told you, man. She loves you but you can't expect her to stay lonely while she waits for you to get your head out of your ass."

He looked up at Alice. Tears were streaming down both of their faces, both staring intently at each other, but neither saying a single word. Edward stood up and motioned for me to follow him into the house.

The party was pretty much dead. There were people scattered around the living room and kitchen, most of them passed out. There were very few people still standing and even fewer who were in some sober form.

"Jesus Christ, how long were we out there?!" Edward laughed. I looked at my watch, it was now nearly midnight.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, "I need to go home. My Dad is gonna freak at me." I searched my pockets for my phone. I had 3 missed calls and a text. It amazed me that my father knew how to text, Renee was useless when it came to technology.

_Bells, hope u got ur keys. I'm early shift 2moro. Hope ur havin fun. Night. Love Dad. Xx_

"I really need to go."

"There is no way in hell anyone is fit to drive Bella. You can stay here tonight. I'll sleep on the couch and you can have my bed."

I was starting to panic. I had missed my meds. I never miss my medication. Before now, I'd never had a chance to miss taking my pills, Renee or Phil was always there to remind me. Tonight, I'd been so focused on the goings on around me and enjoying being a teenager that I had forgotten about the reason I had been sent to Forks in the first place. Now I was having an anxiety attack. These were few and far between. My whole body was shaking, my vision was blurring at the edges and it hurt. God, it hurt.

Edward must have noticed my behaviour, as a frown appeared on his face and he started to look worried.

"You ok Bella?"

"Get Alice."

The world went black.

**A/N:  
Sorry this took so long guys. I know it's not the best chapter in the world and I apologise for the cliffie (I hate them too)  
Love to Lauren for Betaing, she rules with her official and bullshittiness. Lol.  
Let me know what you think.**

**N xx**


	4. Chapter 4 Me, You and My Medication

"_I've had too much to smoke,_

_Too much to drink. Where have I been?_

_I feel like the stars are getting closer,_

_And the sky is closing in._

_I don't know where to begin."_

_Me, You and My Medication – Boys Like Girls_

My name is Bella. I'm not doing well at all.

The darkness was suffocating. All the noises were muffled, as if I had cotton wool in my ears. Some bastard was standing on my chest, making my breath come in ragged gasps. It was dark and I was hurting everywhere. Suddenly I felt my head clear, like I was resurfacing from deep water.

"Her eyes are flickering, I think she's going to wake up." A voice above me muttered.

"Edward, what happened to her?" Another voice asked.

"She just said that she really needed to go home so I offered her my bed. She just sort of went blank right in front of me and just said 'get Alice,' next thing, she's on then floor. So I don't know what the fuck happened to her Al, maybe you know what's going on more than I do." He snarled.

"Dude, back the fuck off." Another voice said low and calmly, "Don't fucking talk to her like that. She wasn't here, it's not her fault. So leave her the fuck alone."

"Don't get me started on you Jasper fucking Whitlock." He fumed again.

My mind registered that they were arguing above me. I started to make sure I had control of my extremities. I flexed my toes – _Yep, still working – _and balled my hands into fists – _at least I'm not paralyzed._ I opened my eyes and squinted at the three worried faces above me.

"Bells?" Alice asked.

"Hmmm." I groaned as I moved, my whole body aching, "how long?" I grumbled.

"What?"

"How long have I been out?"

"Less than five minutes." Edward answered me, "You ok Bella? What happened?"

"'Mfine." I murmured groggily.

"Huh?" was the general response. I cleared my throat and started again.

"I'm fine. Just sore. Anxiety attack. Doesn't happen often."

Alice looked at me quizzically, she was holding tightly onto Jaspers hand so tightly that her knuckles were white. _Huh? They sorted it out?_

I never felt the need to tell Alice about the anxiety attacks before; they are few and far between. I've only had three of them, this being the third.

"Ali, I need to get home."

"I told you Bella, you can stay here." Edward interrupted.

"I can't Edward. Alice should understand."

She took a look at my pleading eyes. "Let's go then." She said helping me up off the floor. We gathered our belongings and said goodbye. Edward and I gave Alice and Jasper a moment to themselves as he walked me to Alice's car.

"You sure you're ok Bella?" He asked me with a frown.

"I'll be fine Edward. I just really need to get home. I'll.. um.. see you tomorrow." I got in the car, leaving Edward with a puzzled look on his face.

Alice got into the car and drove off. I felt bad for being so vague with Edward, he seemed like a very genuine person, but I couldn't take it if he judged me for my condition. I'd lost all of my friends in Phoenix because of this disorder. I didn't want to lose the friends I'd just made too. I was sick and tired of being treated like a pariah for something that was entirely out of my control. This wasn't my fault, but some people just can't see past the stigma of having a mental health problem. I had my fingers crossed that Edward, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper weren't like them.

After a minute of silence, Alice turned to me, "what happened?" she questioned sternly. I sighed.

"I was having so much fun that I forgot about the time. I've missed my evening meds and I started freaking out when I remembered." I snorted a laugh, "You know, I actually felt like a real person, a teenager, tonight. I completely forgot that I'm a mental patient with bipolar disorder that has to pop pills every twelve hours. If I had known that I'd be out so late I would have brought them with me." I paused for a breath, trying to find a way to steer the conversation away from myself, "So anyway, one anxiety attack later. Here I am." I laughed sarcastically, "How'd things go with you and Jasper?" I asked quickly, successfully changing the subject.

Alice's face broke into a blinding smile that told me everything. She didn't have to utter a word, I understood completely.

"Ali, that's so great. I'm so happy for you."

We reached the Chief's house – _my house? – _and Alice helped my weakened body out of the car and inside to my room. She eyed the pill packets on my nightstand.

"Do you need to take them now?"

"I probably should, yeah." I reached for the packs and the bottle of water. I popped a little white pill and two maroon capsules out of their packets and swallowed them with a gulp of water and a grimace.

"What are you actually taking Bella?" She asked, I could see the blatant curiosity in her eyes.

"Um, the little white one, that's carbamazepine, which is an anti convulsant used in epilepsy patients and is supposed to stop me from going manic. The browny-red capsules," I said holding up the packet, "are venlafixine, an anti-depressant which is supposed to take care of my lows." I stated with a sarcastic smile.

"Oh," she sighed, "That sucks doesn't it Bella." She finished with a whisper.

I felt the anger at myself starting to bubble uncontrollably through my body. After seven months trying to come to terms with having bipolar disorder, I still couldn't get my head around it. It makes me angry not being able to control how I feel and having no way of making it better. I frequently got frustrated and angry with myself. I'm the strong one, I take care of other people, I console them, I'm there for them, it doesn't happen the other way around. I huffed out a breath.

"Yes Alice, it really fucking sucks." I could feel the tears stinging in my eyes, threatening to spill over, "They don't fucking work when I need them to. I never know which version of myself I'm going to be. Will I be confident, hyperactive Bella, negative, hurting Bella or will I be the Bella that can't feel a fucking thing," I fumed in a heated whisper, "I don't fucking know which Bella I am or used to be. I have no idea who I am anymore. So yeah, it sucks, quite a bit. And these," I said grabbing the pill packets and lobbing them across the room, "These fucking things don't do what they're supposed to." I whispered angrily, trying my hardest not to wake the Chief up, "They just make me fucking worse. My life is a fucking pathetic mess because of this." I was seething. My blood was boiling, although not as much as before my rage at Alice, it was a mere simmer compared to that.

We sat in silence, both of us silently crying in the dim light from my bedside lamp.

"I'm sorry Alice. I didn't mean to take that out on you." I sniffed after a few minutes, wiping my eyes with the back of my pale hand, "It's just so frustrating and sometimes it really gets to me and I just explode. I'm so sorry." I whispered.

"It's ok Bella, I think if I were you, I'd be angrier a lot more. And to be honest, I can't imagine what this is like for you." She wiped her eyes gently with her fingertips, "I'm so sorry this happened to you. Just know that I'm here for you. As long as I know you, I'll be here for you."

Her words brought on a fresh round of tears as I pulled her into a sitting hug. By the time we had cried ourselves out, we were sporting runny noses, puffy eyes and matching headaches.

"I better get home." She sniffed, "I'll see you at school tomorrow?"

"Of course you will." I walked her to the front door and hugged her. "Bye Ali. Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me Bells, that's what friends do. You know, the others are your friends too. You should let them in, you can't deal with this on your own."

"Alice, they'll think I'm a freak. I couldn't stand it if they hated me for something that I can't control."

"Bella, you're not the only one of us that has a few skeletons in their closet. You'll be surprised. Trust me, let them in. They'll be as supportive as I will." She smiled, "even Rose." I giggled at the thought of crying on Superbitch's shoulder as I had with Alice. "Think about it. Go get some sleep and I'll pick you up tomorrow, you will be nowhere near fit to drive." I sighed and nodded. _She'll probably be right._ Alice waved as she got into her car and drove off.

I locked the door behind me, padded back upstairs and into my room, flopped onto my bed and slept.

I could have killed when the Chief woke me up before he left for work. I looked at my alarm clock. Twenty-seven minutes past six. I groaned out loud and begrudgingly headed to the shower, wincing at the pain behind my eyes. I wasn't sure if it was the result of my weed and tequila induced stupor last night or all the crying Alice and I did.

I managed to wash and dress and now came the fight, my hair. I started the hairdryer; the noise of it caused me to cringe in pain. I shut it off and threw my wet hair into a sloppy bun on the back of my head. Knowing full well that Alice would probably destroy me on sight for my lack of concern over my appearance this morning.

I applied a little make up to my face, trying to at least make my outside reflect an ounce of humanity in stead of the zombie staring me down in the mirror. A little powder and mascara. Sorted.

Next on my to-do list was the medication. I picked the prescription packets up from where I'd thrown them last night and sat down on my bed with them. I took the pills out of their respective packs and sat them in the palm of my hand, feeling tears well up in my eyes and the bottom of my stomach drop out as I unscrewed the bottle of water. The low was coming and I had a feeling it would be crushing. I stared at the three pills in my now shaking hand.

_How the hell did my life turn around so quickly? I was so happy before all this happened. I had great friends, a loving boyfriend and a supportive family. Now I have nothing. Nada. Zilch. Sweet F.A. The only people I have left in my life are my Dad, and that's only because I live with him. My mom doesn't want me anywhere near her. My boyfriend left me and my friends rode off into the sunset as soon as they found out I was 'mental.' Isabella, your life sucks honey._

I snorted at my inner monologue, still staring at the pills in my hand.

"A pill to make you numb," I popped one venlafaxine, "A pill to make you dumb," I swallowed the other brown capsule; the tears in my eyes starting to spill over, I placed the carbamazepine into my mouth and took a gulp of water. "A pill to make you anybody else." I sniffed. _But all the drugs in this world won't save her from herself._ I finished the Marilyn Manson lyrics in my head, now sobbing quietly with my head in my hands. I heard a car horn peep outside, breaking me out of my uncontrollable sobbing.

I looked out of the window and saw Alice walking up the path to my front door. _I can't face her right now. I just want to stay here, alone. _"Isabella Marie Swan!" I scolded myself, "You will put your coat on, grab your sunglasses, lift your keys and walk out of that front door. Now."

Inner monologues I can deal with, when they become audible, that's when it's not so easy to ignore.

I followed my own instructions to the letter. I slipped my aviators on my face, hiding the puffy red eyes I now had and also blocking the shocking white light out. I lifted my bag and keys and walked out of the house, locking the door behind me.

Alice drove us to school; as she predicted last night, I was in no state to drive. I was hung-over and I'm sure my blood alcohol level was ridiculous. _Better safe than sorry. Phil used to say that all the time._

The journey to school was quiet after Alice asked how I was and got a grunt in response. Her replying laughter hurt my head. She drove like a maniac. If I hadn't had my eyes shut most of the time, I would have probably been scared out of my head.

She pulled swiftly into a parking space and shut the car off.

"Ready for round two?" She asked me. I shrugged in response to her as we walked past a massive Jeep parked next to a shiny red M3, which Alice pointed out were Emmet and Rosalie's cars. She studied all of the cars in the parking area, noting that Edwards car and Jasper's Bandit were missing.

"Bandit as in a motorbike. As in a Suzuki Bandit?" I asked. She nodded. "Alice, as in-"

"Oh, God, Bella. Tell me you're not a secret Hells Angel?"

"No, I just like bikes. Phil, my step-dad, had a few bikes over the years, I pretty much learned all about them by hanging out in our garage with him. I learned to ride on a Honda CBR 125, Phil got me it for my sixteenth birthday. It was so big, I had to have it tilted to the side when I stopped."

"Rose and Jasper will go bananas when they hear that. They spend far too much time in their garage. Rose is like a secret mechanic in training and I think Jasper just likes getting covered in oil. God, it'll be like Christmas and you'll be their new toy. I can just imagine stopping by and the three of you in coveralls with oil stains on them." She wrinkled her nose in disgust, "On the upside that means I don't have to listen to engine talk anymore. By the way what the hell is a sprocket?"

The rest of the school day passed agonisingly slow. I was silent for the majority of the day, even after my hangover subsided, briefly saying hi to everyone at lunch and giving Edward one word answers in Biology. I felt so low that moving even slightly seemed to drain all of my energy. By the time the final bell rang, I was beat.

I walked to Alice's car and waited for her. Just as she came out of the building, big fat rain drops were falling steadily onto my head. I was so weak that I couldn't find the energy to pull my hood up.

"Bells, you're gonna catch a cold!" Alice screeched, running towards me with a massive umbrella. _Can't be much worse than what I'm living with Alice._

She unlocked the car and we got in. The trip back to my house was pretty much the same as the trip to school had been. Alice had asked me if I was ok several times during the day, receiving a look from me that plainly states 'No, I'm dying on the inside' very clearly whilst my lips moved and said, "Yeah Alice, I'm fine."

She pulled into the chief's drive and shut the car off. She turned in her seat to get a better look at me.

"Bella, are you ok? You've been really quiet all day."

"I'll survive Alice." I said to her before muttering "I always do" under my breath.

"You sure?"

"Yes, completely. See you tomorrow."

I got out of the car and trudged to the front door in the rain. I unlocked the front door and made my way to my room where I stripped down to my underwear and crawled into bed, silent sobs ripping from my chest. I felt like this disorder is slowly killing me from the inside out. I felt diseased, cancerous, disgusting. I was all the vile things in the world personified. _I can't take this anymore. I can't hold on anymore. I don't want to live like this, this isn't life, and it's a cruel game where I always lose. Someone save me from myself. God, please just let me die this time._

_This time?_

The thought flicked on like a light bulb in my head. I could do it this time, I wouldn't fail. I couldn't fail. There was no one to stop me. _I don't have anything for me, I'm not wanted in Phoenix and Forks isn't my home. I'm free to do what's best for me now._

I slid out of bed, still in my underwear, and walked to the kitchen. I picked up one of the carving knives from the wooden block and carried it back upstairs with me. I made a pit-stop at my room to pick up my notebook and laptop, and then took them into the bathroom with me.

I sat in the empty tub with music blaring out of my laptop. I held the knife against the skin of my wrist. _Downwards this time. Down the road, not across the street. _

And I cut, over and over, trying to go as deep as I could. The knife shuddered slightly as it sliced through the thin skin on my wrist. I cut through the old scars I had there from previous attempts. _I won't fail this time._ The blood flowed freely from my open wrists. I ignored the pain, I would be free of pain soon enough. Pain was my punishment for taking the coward's way out. _Isabella, you're most definitely a coward._

I grabbed my notebook and pen off of the floor and started scribbling a note.

_Everyone,_

_I'm sorry I've been such a disappointment to all of you. I'm sorry I can't stop making a complete mess of things and most of all, I'm sorry that I can't handle this anymore. I tried. I'm sick of trying, that's all that I've done since I was thirteen: try to survive. Now I'm tired of trying to survive. Seven months of knowing what's wrong with me, and no one knows how to fix this problem, so I'm saving all of us the hassle and solving it by myself._

_Thank you for loving me, even if it was just a little bit. I love you._

_Love, eternally,_

_Bella. xx_

I started feeling sleepy. _This is it B! We're nearly there. _I closed my heavy eyelids.

"Nearly there, we're nearly there." I recited, feeling hope for what felt like the first time in years. "We're nearly there."

And I slept.


	5. Chapter 5 Fall Back Down

"_If I fall back down,_

_You're gonna help me back up again._

_If I fall back down,_

_You're gonna be my friend." _

_Fall Back Down - Rancid_

My name is Bella. My whole world hurts so bad right now.

I groggily came to when I heard Charlie screaming my name from the bathroom door. I felt weak, like I'd been running a marathon on an empty stomach. I groaned internally at the throbbing at the ends of my arms.

"Bells? Bella? ISABELLA!" Dad screamed next to me, stroking my face with one of his calloused fingers after finding a pulse in my throat, "Bells, please wake up." I groaned audibly this time. "Bella? Bella honey, can you hear me? Shit, there's so much blood." I heard him choke on his breath.

"Dad, just let me die." I whimpered with my eyes still closed tight.

"No I will not let you Goddamn die." He snarled.

"I cant…I just cant."

"Can't do what baby?"

"Live." I sobbed.

"But you have to live. You need to beat this. It would be too easy to just slip away like this. You're a Swan, we fight to the death. Shit, wrong word…um-"

"Dad." I groaned. _Jeez, I can't even get peace to die in. Hold on, I'm awake; I should be dead by now. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't even fucking die properly._

"Come on hon; let's get you to a hospital." He said firmly as I opened my eyes.

As much as I begged and pleaded, he wouldn't listen to me. I was too weak to move my body, so he did it for me. He dressed me in a Forks PD t-shirt and my favourite sweats. He carried me from our bathroom to his cruiser and drove to hospital, breaking nearly every speed limit on the way there.

I was seen extremely quickly. I have a lot of experience with the ER, I'm the world's biggest klutz, and I can trip on a flat surface (Yes, I am that bad.)

The attending that saw me introduced himself as Carlisle. It wasn't until I actually opened my eyes that I noticed the last name on his name tag. _Cullen. Shit._ I groaned again in my head._ Now they're all going to know that I'm here._

I was cleaned up and stitched back together. According to Carlisle, I was less than a centimetre from nicking the important bits. _Damn, a few millimetres and it could've all been over._

I passed in and out of consciousness. The world was swimming in front of me. I woke briefly when they inserted the IV into my arm to pump some crap into my bloodstream to counteract all the blood I'd lost. Dad only left my bedside once to make a few phone calls, the rest of the time, he spent at my side.

Dad was sleeping on the chair beside my bed when a balding man wearing a charcoal grey suit came into my room.

"Isabella Swan?" He eyed me. _Gross. _I nodded. "Isabella, my name is Dr Greenfield. I'm the on-call psychiatrist this evening. I've got a few questions for you; you need to answer them as honestly as you can. Is that ok?"

"I guess so." I looked over at Dad, who had woken at the sound of Dr Whatshisface's voice.

"Good. Now I need to ask why you cut your wrists, can you tell me why?" _God, he's talking to me like I'm a five year old._

"I wanted to die." I said bleakly, hoping that Dad wouldn't start another fit of 'you're a Swan. Swan's never give up.'

"Why did you want to die?" His watery blue eyes were boring into my head. _God, why pick a violent green shirt when you have that colour of blue in your eyes? Jesus Christ, I sound like Alice._

"Because I wanted to die." _How can you not get that? _"Because I'm sick of having to swallow pills morning and night so I _supposedly _won't feel like complete and utter shit every single fucking day." The anger caught me again and I started spewing about all the injustices of my life.

Dad sat in his chair looking shocked. Swan's don't explode like that. We're silent creatures, always out to help other people but never shout about how we feel. It's just the way we are.

"Why do you feel like that Isabella?" Dr Dense asked me without batting an eyelid at my outburst. The anger continued to rage inside of me, I felt it rushing through my body erratically until I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Why the fuck do you think that I feel this way?" I screamed at him, "I'm nearly eighteen and my life's in fucking ruins! I have no friends, my boyfriend left me, my mother wants me nowhere near her and I've got this stupid fucking _disease_ that no one knows how to fucking cure. I'm sick and tired of not knowing how I'm going to feel in twenty minutes time. I'm sick of the lows reducing me to a stupid fucking mess and highs that keep me awake for days." My rage was starting to calm and was slowly being replaced my despair, "How the fuck would you feel in my shoes." I choked out.

"Please get out." Dad said to him. He didn't move. "NOW!" He barked. Dr Greenthing shot out of my room in a flash. Dad stood up from his seat and sat on my bed, pulling my sobbing body into a hug.

I don't know how long I sat there, crying in my father's arms. He just let me be, rubbing circles on my back and squeezing every once in a while. It wasn't until a nurse came in to remove my IV that Dad moved away from me.

"What time is it?" I asked him, my voice cracking from not being used for so long.

"It is…" He glanced at his right wrist, "3:40am."

"You've been here a while now, huh?" The nurse said with a kind smile.

"I guess we have." I replied. I had been a little past seven when Dad found me in the bathroom.

"Once Dr Cullen checks you out and the psych papers are filed, you should be free to go." She said before smiling at me again, "Hopefully we don't see you in here again."

Dad and I both laughed at that. We knew that the odds were very high that I'd be back in the ER again very soon. Dad got up and headed to the bathroom, muttering something about a 'jimmy riddle,' a crazy thing he'd picked up from my Uncle Tony, who moved to Scotland two years ago.

The nurse sat in my Dads vacated seat and looked at me.

"I know it's none of my business, but do you have anyone to talk to about how you feel?" She asked me quietly, maintaining eye contact.

"No." I whispered, "I don't bother anyone with my feelings. I've only been in Forks for two days. There are five people at school who could almost be friends one day. But they've got their own lives; they don't need all of my drama included."

"Tell me about them?" and I did. I told her about meeting the relentless ball of energy that is Alice Brandon outside the office on my first day, bio with Edward and the poker/party. She listened to my prattle on about the five new people in my life with enthusiasm.

She eyed me curiously, "Isabella, those guys are your friends now. In two days you've been accepted into what seems like a pretty solid group. I really think you should talk to them. They won't turn their backs on you." She smiled at me as we heard the toiled flush, signalling my father's imminent return.

The nurse left and Dad sat down. We sat in silence, as usual. Except this silence was filled with questions, worries, things that needed to be said. Uncomfortable to say the least.

Dr Cullen stopped by with my discharge forms about half an hour later. I was informed that if I returned to the hospital anytime soon because of a suicide attempt, I would be sectioned and taken to a psychiatric ward. _Fuck._ He checked my blood pressure, temperature and changed the bandages on my wrists before signing the papers and declaring me a free woman once again.

The drive home was quiet. I knew Dad was sleepy, I could see it on his face.

"Bells?" He looked at me briefly.

"Hmm?"

"Can you promise me something? Please?" His eyes found mine for a few seconds before turning to the road again.

"What, Dad?" _Why do I have a bad feeling about this?_

"Promise me you won't do that to me again." He was staring straight ahead, but I could see his eyes filling up. I've never seen my Dad cry, ever. "I couldn't take losing you. It's the wrong way around, I'm supposed to go first, not you. Please, Izzybizz. Promise me." He said, using his childhood nickname for me. _Gah! Don't use Izzybizz against me! That's fighting dirty. _

"I'm sorry Daddy." I whispered to the windscreen, tears welling up in my eyes again. I was sorry. For everything that I'd just put him through. For not choosing him over Renee. For refusing to visit this overly green, soaking wet part of Washington. For every wrong I'd made against him.

We said nothing to each other as we drove home. I must have fallen asleep again and Dad must have carried me to my room. The alarm was screaming at me. _School. Shit._

I got up, noticing that I was still wearing Dad's t-shirt and my sweats. I felt disgusting. To add insult to injury, I now had a rather massive, stark white bandage on each wrist. _The must have fashion accessory this season_. I mocked in my head.

I headed to the bathroom, intending on a shower, and clocked the scene of carnage before me. All the emotions hit me at once. Failure. Remorse. Disgust. Guilt. Longing. Fear. Desperation. Joy. _Joy? What. The. Fuck?_

My blood was still in the bath, now brown and flaky. It was spattered and dotted along the bathroom floor. My laptop and notebook lay discarded on the bathroom floor. _Damage control time. _I grabbed the cleaning supplies from underneath the bathroom sink and began scrubbing. I still had plenty of time.

Once I was satisfied with the lack of blood in the bathroom and had removed the knife from the tub, I removed the bandages from my wrists before hopping into the shower.

I bit back several screams of agony as the water ran along my stitched skin. It stung like nothing I've ever experienced. _I swear to god, I'm never trying to do that again. Fuck, this hurts. _I carefully washed the remnants of my blood from myself. I mean, very, very carefully. There were seven stitches on my left wrist and nine on my right. The skin was starting to pucker from being held together. It really was ugly.

After I'd washed the rest of me and dried myself off, my next task was replacing my bandages and finding an outfit. My mood had lightened considerably since yesterday/this morning. I fiddled with the bandages, trying – and failing – to put them back on to keep the dirt and general crap out of my wounds. So I gave up and picked out my outfit. I found dark wash jeans (still far too big for me) and a light grey long sleeved t-shirt. I pulled on some underwear and my jeans.

I stood next to my dresser and tried the bandages again when there was a knock on my bedroom door. I didn't bother to cover up, assuming it was just my Dad, and called for him to enter. I turned to my now open bedroom door and died a very silent, death of embarrassment. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Edward and Emmett were crowded into my doorway. _Holy fuck._

"Nice boobs." Emmett said, earning a smack on the back of his head from Rosalie.

"The chief called us last night. He told us." Alice muttered quietly.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Dear sweet baby Jesus, I'm standing half naked, with scabby wrists, playing with bandages whilst the five people I met two days ago are standing at my bedroom door telling me that they know I tried to kill myself. Ground, please swallow me up. Like, NOW!_

"Umm…" Was all that I could muster. I was frozen in place, with the bandage half on my left wrist. Serious rabbit in the headlights moment going on.

"Let me help you with those." Edward said softly, making his way towards me.

"Don't!" I almost screamed, looking him dead in the eye before looking down to my feet, "I don't want anyone to see."

"Oh, come on! Bella, we know you're a freaking nutcase who just tried to kill herself." Rosalie smiled kindly. She reminded me of the nurse in the hospital.

"ROSALIE!" Everyone screamed at her while I burst into laughter. Proper laughter. Completely uncontrollable, side spitting hilarity. They all stood and stared at me confused until Jasper snickered. Then the five of us were holding our sides together whilst we laughed.

"Rosalie… you… you are an… insensitive… completely… Wow!" Edward managed to pant in between his chortling.

By the time we managed to calm down, we already late.

"I say we skip." Alice piped. The other four nodded in agreement.

"Um, you guys do know that my father is the Chief of police here, right?" I asked, they nodded again. "I can't get caught playing truant. He would end me." They all flinched at my words, except Rosalie, who smirked. "Too soon?" I asked sheepishly. We were laughing again.

"We'll go to our house," Edward and Emmett spoke simultaneously. There was a buzzing in the room, trying to decide what to do, when I realised that I was still standing, nearly dressed. I grabbed my shirt and stuck my arms into the sleeves too quickly, crying out when the fabric caught on my stitches. It hurt so damn bad. Edward pulled my arms free carefully, ridding me of my top once again.

"Let me do your bandages, it won't hurt so much." He smiled at me. I nodded as I tried to blink back the tears threatening to spill over my lashes. He flinched slightly as he looked at my wrists, before gently but firmly wrapping my wounds. He was like Carlisle in a younger, different body.

"Thanks Edward." I whispered.

"Don't sweat it honey." He returned before helping me into my clothes. I winced slightly as I put my arms through the sleeves.

"Bella, um, your Dad left a note in the kitchen for you." Alice said. I saw that she was still wearing her sad face. Even when she had been laughing, it hadn't reached her eyes.

"Alibee? What's wrong?" I asked her as I walked over. I dipped my head to look in her eyes and saw the tears there.

"I could have lost you." She trembled as she said it. I enveloped her in my arms, hugging her small frame tight to my body as she grasped at the back of my top. "I could have lost you." She sobbed into my shoulder. I cried with her. More and more arms wrapped around us as we wept.

"I'm sorry." I whispered to them. "I'm so sorry." I cried harder. "I'm so sorry." I repeated over and over to them. _My friends. _

'_Isabella, those guys are your friends now. In two days you've been accepted into what seems like a pretty solid group. I really think you should talk to them. They won't turn their backs on you.'_

The words from the nurse at the hospital replayed in my head as we calmed down. One by one, the arms loosened around me until we were all standing together.

"I need to tell you guys something." I muttered to the floor.

"Let's go to our house first." Edward, the voice of reason concluded, "I have a feeling it's going to be a rather large conversation."

We all agreed and started gathering our belongings. I headed into the kitchen to read the Chief's note.

_Bella,_

_I hope you know that you scared the shit out of me last night. I called Alice. She's going to pick you up for school. Talk to her? I know you can't talk to me and that's fine because, as much as I want to, I know I won't understand it all. So please, at least try to talk to her. _

_I'm going to call and make an appointment at a psychologist for you, I know you had one in Phoenix. If you don't want it, let me know._

_I didn't call Mom. That's your job, if you want to do it. It's up to you._

_I hope you're ok kid._

_I love you Izzybizz._

_Love, Dad. xx_

I wrote him one back, underneath his.

_Chief,_

_I'm so sorry, for everything. I didn't mean to scare you so much. I don't know what I was doing. Sorry._

_I'm going to talk to Al and the gang today. I want to talk to you too._

_Psych is good. I meant to phone before I left Arizona._

_I'm not calling Mom. She'll freak out beyond belief._

_I'll be ok. Love you too Daddy._

_Love, Izz. xx_

I grabbed my keys and left the house with my friends. Feeling slightly better than I had since I came to Forks.

The drive to the Cullen-Masen-McCarty mansion was quiet. We split into groups as we couldn't all fit into Rosalie's M3. Emmett and Jasper went with her while Alice and Edward squished themselves into the cab of my truck beside me.

I pulled up in the drive and parked on the opposite side of the house from Rosalie. I was dangerous without my monster vehicle, with it, deadly and I really couldn't afford to pay for repairs to her car.

We met at the front door, filing through one by one and plopping down on the corner couch in the living room. Alice remained standing, looking at each of us in turn and holding out two DVDs. Queen Of The Damned or a Billy Connelly concert. I voted Billy. I had picked up on things from Uncle Tony when he visited. I found Scottish humour hilarious. Queen Of The Damned was discarded once everyone had voted. No one wanted a dark film just now, we needed cheering up.

"Um… Guys?" I stuttered slightly. I heard them turn towards me. "Can I talk to you before we watch the DVD?"

"Sure." Jasper shrugged. Alice came and sat beside me, entwining our fingers together and squeezing supportively.

"Al, I don't know how to start." I mumbled.

"Biz," Emmett said in a hushed tone, far from his usual booming voice, and using my dad's nickname for me. "We all have shit, kid. Mine and Eddie's parents were killed in a car crash when we were nearly two." Edward kicked Emmett's boat like foot with his own and smiled slightly; comforting his cousin/brother in a way that only those two would understand.

"I miss them every single day. All I have of my parents are my mother's engagement ring, their wedding rings and my father's watch." Edward said with a serene smile.

"My mom used to beat the shit out of me." Rosalie piped brightly. Emmett wrapped one of his huge arms around her and squeezed her against him. She grinned up at his face as he beamed right back at her.

"And if I ever meet her, I'll beat the shit out of her for touching my girl. Woman or not." Em announced proudly.

"I'm my father's biggest disappointment. He never wants to see me again. According to him, I don't exist any more. Rose's father is my Dad as far as I'm concerned." Jasper sighed before smiling at Rosalie.

"And your Mom's my Mom." She grinned, punching him lightly on the arm.

"My mom and dad hate each other. I know they're only together for my sake now. They're so unhappy and it's because of me."

"Al, you know it's not your fault." Jasper soothed her with his drawling voice, pulling her flush with the side of his body. I sank further into the corner. _My turn._

"I have bipolar disorder." I stated blankly. "I was diagnosed seven months ago. It's ruined everything. I had a boyfriend that loved me, I had good friends and my family was happy. Said boyfriend left me after I was diagnosed. As soon as I told my 'friends' about it, they ran off into the sunset without me and never looked back. My mom doesn't want me anywhere near her until I'm 'better.' That's why I was shipped off to live with the Chief." I whispered to my bandaged wrists. "I tried to kill myself yesterday because I can't handle all of the things that are going on with me. The medication I'm on isn't working the way it should. And I'm tired of this."

I was terrified of the response to my words. I wasn't ready for them kicking me out. I wanted to fit with them, to be able to be real with them and not hide myself. The tears started dropping from my eyes before I could hold them in, I felt them being wiped away by someone's thumb. I turned towards the thumbs owner. Edward smiled at me gently.

"We already knew, and we're in this together now." He said softly to me.

"How did you know?" I asked worried.

"When Chief Swan called Alice last night, she was with us. She broke into tears," I gripped Alice's hand harder, "and wouldn't tell us a damn thing." He smiled mischievously.

"I'm sorry Bella, but they threatened my new Jimmy's. I haven't even worn them yet." She jumped in before Edward could continue. "And they're so pretty. Emmett was going to break the heels! There was beer involved!" She was starting to get hysterical.

"Al, calm down, I understand. Thank you for telling them, you saved me a lot of awkward questions." I smiled at her. She pulled her hand free of mine and threw her arms around my neck. I patted her on the back softly.

Looking around me, I caught all the eyes of my friends. They were all smiling.

"Let's watch oor Bill." Emmett boomed in a horrid fake Scottish accent. Alice tore herself from me and hopped over to pop the DVD in the player.

We laughed, giggled, snorted and chuckled our way through the hour and a half concert footage. By the end of the DVD, we were a tangled pile of limbs scattered about the large sofa, all of us touching, whether it be arms around one another or holding hands, we were all connected to each other in some way at that moment.

I was snuggled into Edward's side, his arm around my shoulder. My arm was resting across his shoulders and I was holding onto Alice's hand once again. I felt complete. Whole. Here, with these five people is where I belonged.

Alice shoved Queen Of The Damned unceremoniously into the player and pressed play before returning to her spot in between Jasper and I. We all relaxed as Edward and Emmett pulled blankets over the six of us. One by once, we started falling asleep.

**A/N:  
Thankyou to those of you who've read and reviewed. Speacial shout to life takes time, she's makes me feel warm and fuzzy!**

**Chapter 6 could be a while, but hopefully I wont leave ya hanging for too long. Love ya.  
N xx**


	6. Chapter 6 Every Thug Needs A Lady

**A/N: Guys, I'm so sorry this took so long. Both Lauren and myself have been stupidly busy with coursework. So here's the longest chapter yet. It's Alice POV, just to shake it up a bit. Enjoy!**

_I know it's dark here, you know that I'm scared too. For some reason right now, of everything but you. Right now you're all that I recognize.  
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice. I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer. Now I wait here, and sometimes I get one._

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired. You are stuck to me everyday. Believe in what I am because it's all I have today.  
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be.  
From here I can hardly see a thing. But I will follow anyone who brings me to you. For now, forever, for on and on and on.

You know it starts here, outside waiting in the cold. Kiss me once in the snow, I swear it never gets old. But I will promise you I can make it warmer next year.  
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice. I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer. Now I stay here, and everyday I get one.

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired. You are stuck to me everyday. Believe in what I am because it's all I have today.  
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be.  
From here I can hardly see a thing. But I will follow anyone who brings me to you. For now, forever, for on and on and on.

So go plug in your electric blanket. We can stay in 'till our southern summer wedding day.  
_Go plug in your electric blanket. We can stay here._

_-Every Thug Needs A Lady - Alkaline Trio  
_

My name is Mary Alice Brandon, but don't **ever **call me that. It's just Alice. I blame my father. Who in their right mind calls their child Mary in this day and age anyway?

I beeped the horn outside Bella's house and waited for her to appear the morning after the party. She walked out the door wearing a pair of aviators, her damp hair in a messy knot and her far-too-big jeans hanging off of her hips, threatening to fall lower. She looked terrible. On the up side, I could tell she was actually wearing make-up today.

She grunted when I asked her how she was. She looked so funny, reclined on the passenger seat. I couldn't help laughing at her before flooring it to school.

"Ready for round two?" I asked, receiving a shrug as a reply. I scanned the cars in the parking area, "Edward and Jasper must be in the same state as you," I noted, "the Volvo and Jasper's Bandit aren't here. Jasper must have come with Rose and I'm guessing Edward was dragged here in the Jeep." I laughed at the thought of Edward in Emmett's Jeep. He hates that thing.

Bella's face suddenly brightened, "Bandit as in a motorbike. As in a Suzuki Bandit?" She asked. "Alice, as in-"

"Oh, God, Bella. Tell me you're not a secret Hells Angel?" I whined. I had an image of Bella straddling a Harley, surrounded by great big sweaty, disgusting men that wouldn't shift.

"No, I just like bikes. Phil, my step-dad, had a few bikes over the years, I pretty much learned all about them by hanging out in our garage with him. I learned to ride on a Honda CBR 125; Phil got me it for my sixteenth birthday. It was too short for it and I had to have it tilted to the side when I stopped." She smiled at the memory of her bike. The thought that she actually owned her own wasn't helping to shift the Hells Angels image in my head.

"Rose and Jasper will go bananas when they hear that. They spend far too much time in their garage. Rose is like a secret mechanic in training and I think Jasper just likes getting covered in oil. God, it'll be like Christmas and you'll be their new toy. I can just imagine stopping by and the three of you in coveralls with oil stains on them." I said, lacing my voice with blatant disgust, "On the up side that means I don't have to listen to engine talk anymore. By the way what the hell is a sprocket?"

She laughed at me! Rose and Jasper did the same when I asked engine type questions, but I thought Bella would at least try to answer me, instead she laughed and walked away to first period.

The day was going slowly. Everyone that had been to the party last night was rather worse for wear. Jasper and Edward both looked like death warmed up and even Rose and Emmett looked a tad worse for wear when they passed us in the hallway. I on the other hand, was fresh as a daisy. _Ah, the joys of not drinking alcohol._

Bella was completely silent during first period English. When I left her at the end of class to head to Physics to meet Rose, she still looked zombifyed.

Rose threw herself down on her seat next to me and gave me the once over.

"Please don't hurt my brother. Alice, I love you, but if you hurt him, I will have to hurt you."

I smirked and doodled on my notepad before clearing my throat.

"Rosalie Lillian Hale." Her eyes popped at the use of her full name, "Have I ever gave you reason to believe that I would do such a thing?" She shook her head, "Then there's no reason to even consider this conversation."

I was still smirking to myself when Rosalie's tongue caught up with her brain, "Jeez, Al! I was just saying!"

The rest of the day was uneventful. After gossiping with Rose during physics, I headed to French, only to find Bella slumped in her seat and staring blankly at the front of the room.

"Bells? Are you ok?"

"Yeah Alice, I'm fine." She whispered to me.

Our conversational skills lagged during both French and Trig. Even at lunch, Bella didn't utter a word. When I caught up with Edward on my way from Gym to History, he asked if everything was okay with her.

"I think so. She's been pretty quiet all day though. I asked if she was okay and she just said yes."

"Alice, I know it's only her second day here, maybe she's homesick? Maybe that's why she's so quiet today."

"Hmmm." _No I really don't think that's what's wrong with her. I remember our conversation last night all too well._

I sat through the incredibly boring History class, exceedingly glad that I sat next to Jasper, who was meticulous in his note taking. History was the one class that Jasper excelled in and because I copied his notes frequently, I wasn't too bad at it either. We sat holding hands under the desk, sneaking glances at each other with grins plastered on our faces.

The bell rang, signaling the end of the day. _Thank god._ _This has been one long ass day._

"Is it okay if I come over later?" Jasper asked me sheepishly. I kissed him softly on the cheek, smiling and nodding furiously.

"Yes please."

"I'll see you later." He said before kissing me slowly, then running off to find Rosalie._ I love you Jasper Whitlock._

I made my way to my car, opening my umbrella as I left the school building.

"Bells! You're going to catch a cold!" I screamed as I jogged towards her.

The drive to Bella's house was the same as it had been on the way to school. She was silent, nodding occasionally. I asked her again if she was okay and got the same answer I had all day.

I pulled into the Chief's drive and shut the engine off.

"Bella, are you sure you're okay? You've been really quiet all day." I frowned.

"I'll survive Alice." She turned to get out of the car.

"You sure?"

"Yes, completely. See you tomorrow."

She got out of the car and walked up to the front door. I watched her walk inside before starting the engine and heading to my house.

Once I got home, I sent out four texts saying the same thing.

_Hey. My house. 6:30. Plan 'cheer up bella' starts tonight. C u then. Ali xx_

Three of the four texts I got in response said pretty much the same thing.

_Cool. She didn't look happy today. C u 6:30. Em x_

_Gr8 plan, wht we gonna do? We nd 2 plan a shoppin trip btw, she seriously needs a new wardrobe. Rose xx_

_Good. I'm worried about her. Ed xx_

_Aww. Does this mean I dnt get u 2 myself? J xxx_

I smiled at Jaspers text.

At 6:15, I was sitting in my room, cross legged on my bed waiting. My bedroom door flew open and Emmett fell through it. Edward was standing behind him, looking very surprised.

"I said knock you idiot, as in 'knock on the door Emmett' not 'knock the door down Emmett.' Idiot." He laughed. Emmett looked up at his brother from his place on the carpet.

"You could have been more specific, bro. You said 'knock the door.' And I thought 'hell fucking yeah!'" He boomed in a way that only Emmett ever could.

"Emmett, watch your mouth, my mom's home."

"Shit. Sorry!"

We giggled at each other, whilst waiting for Jasper and Rosalie to turn up.

Once they turned up, it was 6:50. _Some 6:30? _

"To business people!" I announced once everyone was gathered in my living room, "What can we do to cheer Bella up? We need to do something."

"Does anyone know what she likes doing?" Edward asked.

"Well, when I was at her house yesterday, I noticed she has a guitar. I know that she writes a lot. She has a shit-load of comedy concert DVDs." I noted.

"We could take her to a gig?" Jasper piped up, "You guys haven't been to see me play in aeons by the way."

"Hey!" I chided him, "I always go! You just don't always know that I'm there." I scowled at him before turning back to the rest of them, "I don't know if a gig is a good idea, she isn't good with big crowds at the moment." _Shit! Alice! Too much! Far too much!_

"What do you mean Alice?"

_Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!_

"Um… nothing."

Every one suggested something. Emmett suggested playing football, _like anyone except the guys would go for that! _Rose suggested a shopping trip, which we need to do thought we should just chill out with a DVD, which, judging by the amount of comedy DVDs she owned, would probably be one of them.

We eventually gave up planning. It was now 8:15pm. I cringed inwardly, knowing that it wouldn't be long until my father decided to come home. I just hoped to god that he was sober tonight. I couldn't take any more of my parents screaming at each other. I was zoned out completely, not listening to the conversation going on around me when my phone started buzzing in my pocket.

"Hello?" I asked into the little silver phone.

"Alice? It's Charlie Swan." _He sounds terrible._

"Hi Chief, what can I do for you?"

"It's… um… I-it's B-bella…" I heard him sob quietly. I ran out of the living room and into the kitchen, away from the noise my friends were making and terrified of the conversation I was about to have with the Chief of Police.

"Chief? What's wrong with Bella? What happened?" I trembled as I spoke.

"S-s-she tried… to… _oh god…_ Alice, she tried!"

"What did she try?" I wailed as petrified tears started stinging my eyes.

"Alice, she tried to kill herself. There was blood everywhere. They've got bags of stuff plugged into her veins! She nearly…my baby girl…" He broke off into more sobs.

"Is she okay? I'll be right there Chief." I was shaking violently where I stood.

"NO! Alice, she'll kill me! Just, um, can you erm… I'm sorry Alice, but could you pick her up for school tomorrow if she wants to go? She won't be able to drive with the stitches. There's so many of them, I think it'll hurt too much if she drives."

"Of course I will Chief. If you need anything, let me know."

"I will. Thank you, Alice. I better get back in there in case she wakes up. Bye."

"Goodbye Chief Swan."

The line went dead as I slid to the floor, hugging my knees to my chest and sobbing uncontrollably. Bella tried to kill herself and nearly succeeded. _Why Bells? Why did you do it! Why are you trying to leave us? I only just found you, I can't lose you yet.  
_

I felt strong arms wrap themselves around me and pull me onto their owner's lap. I smelt the sandalwood and soap that was Jasper Whitlock. I pressed my face into his chest and let it all go. I felt the tremors running through me as I purged myself of my tears.

"Alibee?" He whispered with his lips in my hair, "What's wrong?" I shook my head violently. He gave a half hearted laugh before continuing, "Alice, you're crying, something's wrong. I've never seen you cry before."

"There's nothing wrong." I gasped, trying to steady my breathing. I looked up from Jasper's chest as I heard footsteps coming towards the kitchen and inwardly groaned. _They're going to gang up on me._

Sure enough, they did. When I was repeatedly asked what was wrong with me and said nothing, they started fighting dirty, threatening to dismantle my car and shred my clothes. I could've dealt with that, I needed to protect Bella. I told her I wouldn't tell anyone and I was going to stay true to that. I forgot one thing; Rosalie Hale knew my one weakness. Shoes.

"Did you guys know that Alice bought a very cute pair of Jimmy Choos during the summer?" Rosalie cooed. I glared at her, tears forgotten. _Don't you dare go for my shoes Rosalie Hale! _

I heard feet thumping upstairs and then down again. Emmett came into the kitchen holding the box containing my beautiful $725 blue peep-toed Jimmys.

"Rosie? Did you mean _this_ cute pair of Jimmy Shoes?" He smiled.

"It's Choo, not shoe you idiot." Rose snapped.

"Rosie, we're supposed to be working together here babe!" He whispered loudly to her. Rose plastered her innocent smile back on her face.

"Why yes Emmett that would be the very cute pair of Jimmy _Choos _that Alice bought during the summer. Do you know how much they cost?" The boys shook their heads. Rose grinned; I saw a spark in her eyes that I couldn't figure out. _Meanie! _"These shoes cost our Alice _seven hundred and twenty five dollars_." She giggled. Emmett choked on the breath he had sucked in before squealing indignantly.

"Seven hundred dollars for a pair of shoes?" He fumed. "Seven?"

"They are not just seven hundred dollar shoes, Emmett McCarty. They are seven hundred dollar Jimmy Choos! They are a work of art and worth every penny!" I spat at him venomously.

"_If _they are worth every penny, you wouldn't want anything to happen to them would you Alice?" Emmett grinned. _Bastard. Absolute bastard._ "What if _someone_ were to 'accidentally' spill a beverage on them?" I squealed angrily at him, "I'm sure they would be ruined. Or what if that same someone 'accidentally' broke the heel?" He grabbed the heel of the beautiful blue silk shoe in one hand and the sole in the other.

"Bella's in hospital." I screamed whilst everyone gasped. "Put my fucking shoes down, Emmett."

"What happened to her?" Edward asked, causing me to start crying again. Jasper squeezed me in his arms.

"She tried to kill herself." I whispered, burying my face back in Jasper's chest.

"What? Alice…She… Why?" Edward stumbled over words, his mouth gaping like a fish out of water, completely unlike his usual articulate self.

"I'm not supposed to tell. She needs to tell you. I can't break my promise."

"Then I'm sure as shit gonna break your shoes." Emmett growled.

"She's got bipolar disorder." I was suddenly tired of trying to keep this a secret. Tired of fighting for my shoes. "She's a wreck."

"What the fuck is bipolar disorder?" Rosalie asked from Emmett's side.

I relayed all of the things Bella had told me the night before about her disorder and the way it completely ruined her relationships in Phoenix. The way the pills are fucking with her. How she told me exactly how much she hates being the way she is.

The five of us were sat on my kitchen floor, holding onto each other in complete disbelief. I was crying for the friend I had almost lost. I know Rose was crying because she hated the way she had bitched about Bella when she showed up to school yesterday in her beat up converse and huge jeans. Emmett cried when Rose cried. He always hurt when she hurt. Edward was the only one with a dry face. I knew he was upset. Edward can lie to many people, his parents included, but he can't lie to me or Em. We know him too well.

"I would never have thought she had it. She seemed so happy." Edward gasped.

"She hides it well. It's what she does. She protects the people around her from her feelings." I said back to him, "She doesn't know who she is anymore. She's on two different pills, one to control the mania and the other to treat the depression, but she says that they don't do what they're supposed to. She doesn't know which Bella she's going to be in an hour. She's so lost." I sobbed harder, "Last night, she had a panic attack when she realized she had missed her evening medication. She told me in the car that she had forgotten that she was a 'mental patient' and actually felt like a teenager for a change. She felt normal when she was with us at the party." I sniffed again, wiping my nose with the back of my hand like a child, "She just wants to be normal, like everyone else. She doesn't know how you'll react to her telling you. I told her that we're her friends and that we won't judge her or ostracize her just because she has this illness. It's not her fault, but she thinks it is." I broke down again, "I don't know how to help her. I don't…"

"Al, we're all going to help her. Let's go and do some research, I'm sure Dad has some books on psychiatry, we could look it up." Emmett said from his place on the floor behind Rosalie, for once in his life coming up with a plausible solution to a problem.

It was nearly midnight when we reached the Cullen house. We spent the night in Carlisle's office, Edward, Jasper and I pouring over large books while Rose and Emmett sat at his desk on the internet.

"Holy shit." Rose breathed, "I didn't know it could be that bad."

The five of us crowded around Dr. Cullen's oak desk, peering at the screen as we read an article on Wikipedia

'_**Bipolar disorder**__ is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum._  
_Data from the United States on lifetime prevalence vary but indicate a rate of around 1 percent for Bipolar I, 0.5 to 1 percent for Bipolar II or cyclothymia, and between 2 and 5 percent for subthreshold cases meeting some but not all criteria. The onset of full symptoms generally occurs in late adolescence or young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the person's self-reported experiences, as well as observed behavior. Episodes of abnormality are associated with distress and disruption, and an elevated risk of suicide, especially during depressive episodes. In some cases it can be a devastating long-lasting disorder. In some cases, however, it has been associated with creativity, goal striving, and positive achievements._  
_Genetic factors contribute substantially to the likelihood of developing bipolar disorder, and environmental factors are also implicated. Bipolar disorder is often treated with mood stabilizer medications, and sometimes other psychiatric drugs. Psychotherapy also has a role, often when there has been some recovery of stability. In serious cases in which there is a risk of harm to oneself or others involuntary commitment may be used; these cases generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behavior or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation. There are widespread problems with social stigma, stereotypes and prejudice against individuals with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.'  
_  
"Fuck." Jasper said beside me as he read the rest of the page, "How the fuck does she cope with this?"

"She sticks a brave face on and gets on with it." I said bluntly. We spent the next few hours reading up on bipolar disorder, trying to understand Bella better. It was 4:30am when we took a break from our research, too keyed up to sleep but too sleepy to continue reading. From what Bella had told me, her lows were always the worst and happened more often than the mania. We took turns reading aloud from passages we found in various books from Dr Cullen's personal library.

"I need coffee." Edward whined.

"Come on then. Dad should be home soon." Emmett grumbled from the desk, where he was sitting with his head down on the desk, arms wrapped around Rosalie. It looked uncomfortable to say the least.

The five of us put our books back in their original places and trudged down to the kitchen where we sat, with steaming mugs of coffee in our hands, and waited for Dr. Cullen to come home. 5am came and went; it was nearing half past before the doctor came through the door.

"Kids? What are you all doing up?" He frowned, "Better question, why are there five of you in my kitchen at 5:30 in the morning?"

"Chief Swan phoned Alice last night." Edward mumbled. Carlisle's face fell.

"You heard." He shifted uncomfortably, "You know I can't say anything about her. Patient confidentiality and all." He gave us an apologetic smile.

"Please tell me she's okay." I whispered, "Please tell us she's okay."

"Isabella is physically fine. That's all I can tell you, I'm sorry kids."

"Would you be able to answer some questions for us Dad?" Emmett asked him from the refrigerator.

"What do you need to know?" He asked us, looking mildly surprised.

"Is bipolar disorder curable?" Rosalie asked.

"It isn't as simple as just curing it, Rosalie. It's a very complex disorder; there are so many forms of it. However, with the right medication, someone who suffers from the condition can lead a very 'normal' life; however, medication would always be necessary to control the mood fluctuations. Why do you ask?"

"Bella." Emmett mouthed.

"Ah." He didn't look shocked by this, "Is this why you're still up?" We all nodded at him, "I know that Isabella suffers from the condition and is on medication to help with the symptoms, correct?"

"Yeah," I said wearily, "She's on carbasomething and venlafluxine?"

"Carbamazepine and venlafaxine?" He asked me.

"That's it! I'm not good with big names." I said sheepishly.

"Well, I know that venlafaxine is a very successful anti-depressant and carbamazepine generally succeeds in the treatment of the disorder but if she's having any problems with them, she needs to contact her psychiatrist."

"Um, I hope you don't mind too much Dad, but we were looking through the books in your office." Edward butted in, looking at his shoes. "We just wanted to understand." I finally saw Edward's pain for Bella, I saw the tears in his eyes that he would no doubt, never shed. It hurt him when his friends hurt. He was too sensitive for his own good sometimes.

"That's fine Edward, as long as they're back where you found them."

"They are, don't worry Dr. Cullen." Jasper piped up from the sink where he had been washing his mug.

"I think you kids should try and sleep for a few, you have school tomorrow." He said, walking out of the kitchen, "Sleep deprivation will not excuse you from your education, boys." He added as an afterthought.

We chuckled, knowing full well that none of us were going to fare well at school tomorrow. I had a killer headache from the crying I'd done. We decided that we'd nap for a while before going to pick Bella up for school. The five of us curled up on the floor. Edward and Emmett brought their duvets and blankets from their rooms and laid them on the floor like we used to do as kids. I felt like I had just closed my eyes when I heard Esme's sweet tones waking us gently.

"Come on kids, time to get up for school." She said, gently shaking us one by one and calling our names softly. We sluggishly moved from the floor and cleared the blankets away. I looked around the table where six of us sat, noticing that Esme was the only one who looked half decent. The normally impeccable Rosalie looked grumpy and disheveled. Edward and Jasper both looked as if they were still hung over and Emmett had purple rings around his eyes already.

"Please eat something boys. You two as well." She said nodding in mine and Rose's direction.

"Sorry Mrs. Cullen," Rose said sleepily, "I don't think any of us have an appetite this morning."

"I know you're worried about Bella." We all gaped at her; Emmett was wearing a look as if to say 'how the hell do you know that' to which she answered, "Come on Emmett, my husband was there last night, of course I knew, why do you think I didn't barge into his office last night when I heard the five of you in there. Speaking of which if you all intend on cursing, could you please keep it down. I'm quite sure our neighbors heard you." She smiled, "If you aren't going to eat then at least pretend you're getting ready for school. I know none of you are going today, but don't let your father know." She looked sternly in Emmett and Edward's direction, "He has a meeting at nine am and won't be back till this afternoon. I will cover for you. But I expect all the work you missed to be caught up with. Go keep Bella company." She said to all of us as we departed from the kitchen.

Rose and Jasper disappeared from the Cullen drive in Rosalie's car whilst I walked in the opposite direction to my house. Emmett and Edward were showering at their house, before meeting me at mine and heading over to Rose and Jasper's. We were going to Bella's together. We were all in this together. She was ours now; we were going to help her.

I showered and changed, not actually caring what I put on today. I even wore jeans. I only owned two pairs of jeans. I teamed the jeans with a soft-knit, off-white, V neck and light grey ballet flats. Completely ignoring my hair, I sat in the hallway, waiting on the boys to arrive.

We arrived at Rose and Jasper's, the five of us piling into the M3. Emmett sat up front with Rose, Edward sat on my left and Jazz on my right. Rosalie broke every speed limit to reach the Chief's house, thankful when we saw his cruiser still in the drive.  
We all got out and headed to the front door. I knocked, waiting for a response and was greeted by a puffy-eyed Chief Swan.

"Hey kids," He spoke quietly, "She's upstairs, and I left her a note in the kitchen. Take care of her for me?"

"Of course we will Chief," I said hugging him around the waist.

"We won't let anything happen to her Chief Swan." Edward intoned seriously, "We're all in this together."

The Chief smiled for the first time they could remember. I had seen Charlie Swan smile quite often when I had parked my butt in the police station for most of the summer, waiting on Bella to arrive. Emmett in particular, had only ever seen him scowl and shake his head.

He motioned for the five of us to come in and head upstairs. The five of us moved lethargically towards Bella's bedroom door, where I knocked and heard her shout to come in. I opened the door to find her half dressed and fiddling with bandages. Her ribs and collarbone stuck out, leaving her torso looking skeletal. Her jeans hung off her hip bones, which also jutted out. She was _so_ skinny.

"Nice boobs." Emmett chuckled, receiving a smack on the head from Rose. Trust him to say something completely stupid.

"The Chief called us last night. He told us." I informed her.

"Umm…" She mumbled, stood stock still, looking slightly terrified of our presence in her bedroom.

"Let me help you with those." Edward said softly, making his way towards her. She screamed at him not to, that she didn't want him to see.

"Oh, come on! Bella, we know you're a freaking nutcase who just tried to kill herself." Rosalie smiled.

"ROSALIE!" We screamed at her. We heard Bella laughing at Rosalie's bluntness. All of us stood and stared at her until Jasper started laughing. Suddenly the six of us were barely holding ourselves together with laughter.

By the time we managed to calm down, we were already late for school. I suggested to Bella that we skip, which the rest of us had already discussed to a certain extent with Esme this morning.

"Um, you guys do know that my father is the Chief of police here, right?" Bella asked us, "I can't get caught playing truant. He would end me." I flinched. "Too soon?" she asked sheepishly, causing us to laugh again.

We decided to head to Emmett and Edward's. More space, less chance of being caught by a parent or two. We watched Bella hurry to put her t-shirt on and cry out in pain when the stitches caught. Edward carefully untangled her and helped her with her bandages before she put her top on.

"Bella, um, your Dad left a note in the kitchen for you." I said to her. The severity of her situation and the guilt of telling everyone what was wrong with her kept slamming into me relentlessly.

"Alibee? What's wrong?" She asked as she walked over, no doubt seeing that I was welling up again.

"I could have lost you." I whispered as tears started dropping from my eyes. She hugged me close to her, "I could have lost you." I sobbed over and over as I felt the arms of our friends enveloping us.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." she cried, her voice muffled by the bodies around us. "I'm so sorry."

"I need to tell you guys something." She said quietly as we all calmed down.

"Let's go to our house first. I have a feeling it's going to be a rather large conversation." Edward said to all of us, waiting for nods of approval.

I followed Bella into the kitchen as she wrote her father a note and then got into her truck with Edward. We drove in silence, following Rose and the boys in the other car. She parked on the opposite side of the house from Rose's car and we walked up to the door, following everyone else into the living room.

One by one, they sat while I stood holding out two DVDs. I knew that Bella liked Billy Connelly so I stood there with one of his concert DVDs that I had stolen from her room and Queen of the Damned. I knew no one was going to want Queen of the Damned, knowing the conversation we were about to have, it was just a prop to let them believe they had a choice.

"Um… Guys?" I heard Bella stutter. "Can I talk to you before we watch the DVD?"

"Sure." Jasper shrugged.

I walked over and sat beside Bella, entwining our fingers together and squeezing.

"Al, I don't know how to start." She mumbled to me. I knew we were all going to be voicing our own problems to her, showing her that we're messed up too. Not as badly as she is, but some hurts we just can't get over.

"Biz," Em said in a tone I recognized as his 'comforting' voice. "We all have shit, kid. Mine and Eddie's parents were killed in a car crash when we were nearly two." I saw Edward nudge Emmett's foot with his own. I knew that was how they comforted each other. It's just how they were.

"I miss them every single day. All I have of my parents are my mother's engagement ring, their wedding rings and my father's watch." Edward said, smiling. I knew he still hurt over his parent's deaths; he hurt even more that he couldn't remember them.

"My mom used to beat the shit out of me." Rosalie piped brightly, squished against Emmett's side and smiling up at him.

"And if I ever meet her, I'll beat the shit out of her for touching my girl. Woman or not." Em announced to us, as he did every time we had this conversation.

"I'm my father's biggest disappointment. He never wants to see me again. According to him, I don't exist anymore. Rose's father is my Dad as far as I'm concerned." Jasper sighed as I squeezed his hand in mine. He smiled at Rosalie.

"And your Mom's my Mom." She grinned, punching him lightly on the arm.

"My mom and dad hate each other. I know they're only together for my sake now. They're so unhappy and it's because of me." I said to everyone. This was more recent. I knew that Mom and Dad were sleeping in separate beds now. They still kept up the pretence of being together.

"Al, you know it's not your fault." Jasper whispered to me, hugging me tight to him. I smelt his familiar scent and relaxed a little.

"I have bipolar disorder." Bella told us, purposely not looking at any of us, "I was diagnosed seven months ago. It's ruined everything. I had a boyfriend that loved me, I had good friends and my family was happy. Said boyfriend left me after I was diagnosed. As soon as I told my 'friends' about it, they ran off into the sunset without me and never looked back. My mom doesn't want me anywhere near her until I'm 'better.' That's why I was shipped off to live with the Chief." She was now talking to the bandages on her wrists, still unable to look at any of us "I tried to kill myself yesterday because I can't handle all of the things that are going on with me. The medication I'm on isn't working the way it should. And I'm tired of this."

I saw her body tense up as the tears slid from her eyes. Edward wiped her tears away with his thumb, smiling at her. _They would be so good together. Jesus Mary Alice, will you give it a rest. Stop thinking things like that!_

"We already knew, and we're in this together now." He said softly.

"How did you know?" She sounded panicked.

"When Chief Swan called Alice last night, she was with us. She broke into tears," Bella tightened her death grip on my hand, "and wouldn't tell us a damn thing." He smiled over her head at me.

"I'm sorry Bella, but they threatened my new Jimmys. I haven't even worn them yet." I blurted out, "And they're so pretty. Emmett was going to break the heels! There was beer involved!" I tried to reason, hoping that she would understand how important those shoes were.

"Al, calm down, I understand. Thank you for telling them, you saved me a lot of awkward questions." She smiled. I threw my arms around her and hugged her ferociously, relieved that she didn't hate me for my shoe weakness.

"Let's watch oor Bill." Emmett boomed in what I think was supposed to be a Scottish accent, as I bolted for the DVD player.

I snuggled into Jazz as we laughed through the hour and a half concert footage. I looked around us, discovering that all of us were all connected to each other in some way at that moment, arms around torsos, hands holding hands.

I jumped up and shoved Queen of the Damned into the DVD player and pressed play before going back in between my Jazz and Bella. Edward and Emmett disappeared and returned with the blankets we had used the night before, throwing them over all of us. I knew that we were all going to fall asleep before the DVD ended.

I watched as everyone fell asleep, leaving me awake and looking over my friends. She was part of us now. I know it's selfish to think of it, but she can't leave now. I looked over at Bella, sleeping beside Edward. He looked the most peaceful I had ever seen him. I knew that he didn't sleep a lot and when he did, there were nightmares. I had stayed many nights with Emmett and Edward, being woken in the middle of the night by Edward's screams, he had never looked this peaceful in his slumber.

_She could be good for him. Alice, stop it._

That was my last thought as I drifted off to sleep beside my Jazz.

**A/N: Yes, I know, another one. Just to say, a mega thanks to the people that reviewed. I love you guys.**


	7. Chapter 7 Somewhere I Belong

**A/N: Guys, once again, I apologise from the deepest depths of my heart for my tardiness. I've been snowed under with coursework and teaming that with the double death in the family last month, I kinda lost the will to write. Anyways, enough of my rambling. This chapter is in memory of my Papa, 28/10/1933 - 08/05/2009, miss you Pop.**

"_I wanna heal, I wanna feel,  
Like I'm close to something real.  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along.  
Somewhere I belong."  
ssssSomewhere I belong – Linkin Park._

My name is Bella. I think I've finally found somewhere I belong and people that I belong with.

Last thing I remember was watching Stuart Townsend sitting on a bench drinking some woman's blood in Queen Of The Damned. I felt the body beside me stir and I breathed in, smelling the faint scent of mint. Smelling Edward.

The front door opened and closed and a woman muttered "Shh, they're all sleeping." I heard my father reply to her in his deep bass tone, making words indecipherable. _What the hell is Dad doing here?_

There were mumbles and grunts around me now. I opened my eyes to find that everyone else had been woken. Except, that is, Edward, who was effectively restraining me by wrapping his arm further around me and sighing. For being built like a twig, Edward Masen had some amount of strength in his skinny body.

"Edward." I whispered. "Wake up."

"Eddie," Emmett cooed. "Rise and shine."

"EDWARD!" Alice screamed, earning an answering scream from Edward. I burst into giggles, along with Rosalie and Alice. Em and Jasper just snorted before ripping into him.

"Jesus, you scream like a girl!" Jasper wailed.

"Were you trying to squeeze the life out of Bizzybee?" _Bizzybee? That's a new one._

"Shit." He muttered, releasing me, "I'm sorry Bella. I didn't mean to hold on so tight."

"It's fine Eddiekins. Everyone likes a little cuddle." I baby talked to him. He chuckled.

"I'm hungry." Emmett whined.

"Emmett, you're always hungry, baby." Rosalie said lovingly from beside the TV.

"But I'm really hungry. I mean, it's like 4:30 and I haven't had lunch, hell, I even missed breakfast. That never ever happens. Ever. I don't think I've ever missed a meal."

"Oh yes you have." Rose smirked. Emmett blushed.

"Gross." Edward hissed beside me. His arm had found its way back around my shoulders.

"Please, can we go eat?" Emmett pleaded with us after he recovered from his blush.

"Let's go, before Emmy throws a temper tantrum." Jasper teased.

The six of us headed into the kitchen. Somehow we had paired off. Normally that would have really bothered me, but today, I was happy that I had someone to be paired off with, even if it was by default. Edward still had me pinned to his side as we walked into the kitchen and were met by my father, still in uniform, and a woman who I assumed was Esme.

"Hey mom," Edward said, removing himself from me to place a kiss on Esme's cheek.

"Hi honey." She said, patting his arm with a smile, "You must be Bella." She looked at me, "I'm Esme Cullen."

"It's nice to meet you." I shook her hand nervously. I looked to my dad, sitting next to Esme. "Dad, what are you doing here?"

"Um, I was just checking in with Esme here." I raised a questioning eyebrow at him, silently asking for an in-depth explanation. "When your school informed me that you weren't there, I checked back at ours and you were gone. So far I've been to everyone's house looking for you. This is my last stop. It would have been good if you had let me know where you were Isabella." _Whoa, full name usage. I'm in trouble._

"Sorry Dad, I didn't think." I mumbled.

"Can I talk to you for a minute please?" He asked with a stern look on his face.

"Um, sure Dad." I said sheepishly before following him into the hall.

"Look, I'm not mad at you skipping school." He said softly, "As long as it doesn't happen too often. I know you've had a lot of shit to deal with. To be honest I was half expecting you to still be in bed when I got home." He chuckled, "When I eventually caught up with Esme, she said that those kids were up all night too." He paused and stood there just looking at me, "I… um… well, the hospital actually made an appointment with a psycho-thingy for you. It's actually today. It's in Port Angeles at 5:30. I won't be able to take you, I don't get off till six," He fished around in his pocket before handing me a torn scrap of paper with an address scrawled on it. "That's the address. You'll need to leave ten minutes ago to get there." He smiled.

"Um…Thanks Dad." I said staring at my feet. _I hate this. God, I hate this._

"You need to leave Bella." He prompted.

"'Kay." I mumbled before going to the living room to find the keys to my truck.

"Bella?" Edward asked from the doorway, "What's going on?" he frowned when he noticed the keys in my hand, "Are you leaving?"

"Um, I've got an appointment in Port Angeles. Uh, I have to leave, like, now to get there on time. Especially in my truck." I laughed.

"Need company?" He said softly.

"I'll be fine Edward. Thank you though." I smiled at him.

After everyone thoroughly hugged me to death, I left the Cullen house and started the drive to Port Angeles.

The drive itself was easy, finding a parking space outside the creepy looking building that claimed to be the 'Port Angeles Psychiatric Services' was a different story.

After haphazardly abandoning my truck in a space, I walked up to the building. It was obviously ancient, the dark grey brick of the walls and the tower on the roof instantly had me thinking one word. Dungeons.

_Great. I'm going to be shut in a dungeon._

I walked up to seventeen steps to reach the reception and gave my name. A few minutes later, a woman with dark curly hair entered the reception area and called my name.

"Isabella Swan?" She asked, looking around the empty seating area and finding me in the corner.

"Uh, that's me." I said quietly.

"If you'll follow me, please?" She smiled.

I followed her up another two flights of stairs before walking through the door she held open for me.

_Holy shit. I'm in the tower._

"Take a seat Isabella." She motioned to the mismatched chairs in the room. I picked a one with a white metal frame and a peeling green leather seat before sitting carefully and laying my bag on the floor at my feet.

"My name is Dr Penades." She said with a heavy Mediterranean accent, "I'll be your consultant for due course."

"Okay." I whispered.

"Isabella, you were referred here by Dr Carlisle Cullen and his psychiatric consultant at Forks General Hospital, Dr Greenfield, when you were admitted yesterday evening with an unsuccessful suicide attempt? Is that correct?"

_Was it only last night? It felt like years ago._

I nodded, not trusting my voice. This was still a sore spot for me. I don't like failure at all. I can't handle it failing at anything. Swans don't fail.

"I understand that you were at a clinic in Arizona? I spoke with your previous consultant this morning, she faxed me your session notes. It was rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder that she diagnosed you with, yes?"

I nodded again. I was starting to feel the same way I had when Dad was driving me to the hospital that night. I didn't like the way she was airing my dirty laundry. Even if we were the only two people in the room.

"Isabella, I would like you to tell me all of your past experiences with Mental Health service. Please."

"Um, well, all of them?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, all of them."

_We're gonna be here a while._

I recounted my story to her. I told her of the self harm epidemic when I was fourteen, hacking and slicing at my arm to feel something except numb. How I had tried to kill myself three times in one day and that my mother found me in the bathroom that day covered in my own blood.

I told her about my issues with food for a while and how I still wasn't at the stage where I could eat three meals a day. And last but not least, I told her the bipolar story.

I purged myself of the words, going into too much detail at points, just to see if my words could shake the beautiful woman in the chair across from me. No luck.

Dr Penades sat and listened intently to every word I said, her gaze was trained on my face, which made me uncomfortable to say the least.I glanced up at the clock above her head; I had been talking for forty five minutes.

She consulted a manila folder on her lap for a second before looking up at me shocked.

"You're on 750mg of Carbamazepine and 500mg of Venlafaxine?"

I nodded again.

"And you're still feeling the effects of the disorder?"

Another nod.

"Hmmm," She paused for a second, "I would like if you stopped your medication for the time being. It will be about a month before all of the drugs are out of your system and we can start on something else. Is that okay?"

Yet another nod.

"I will schedule you in for another appointment in a month's time." She fiddled around in the top drawer of her desk before pulling out a credit card sized piece of paper, "These are help line numbers. Any problems, call one of them. Yes?"

I nodded for the thousandth time since being in that office.

"I'll send out your appointment card soon." She said, standing up, "Thank you for making this appointment at such short notice Isabella. I'll see you soon." She finished, showing me out of her office.

I sped back to Forks. I say that I sped; I went as fast as my truck would let me.

Once I arrived home, I did the first thing that came to mind – I got rid of my medication. I grabbed the packs from my bedside table and ran to the kitchen, hovering over the bin. I popped pill after pill out of their blisters, watching the little white Carbamazepine pills with a sense of satisfaction as they fell into the black depth of the kitchen bin one by one. I emptied all of the Venlafaxine in last, giggling slightly as the little red capsules fell from my hands.

"Bells?" I jumped as I heard my father's voice behind me, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm getting rid of my pills." I told him with a serene smile.

"Why?" He exclaimed, "You're supposed to swallow them, not bin them!"

"Dr. Penades, the doctor I went to see today, said I was to get rid of them." I smiled wider.

"Huh? Really?"

"Yup." I grinned.

"Why are you smiling?" He asked, puzzled.

"I don't have to take two different pills twice a day for a month and I'm damned happy about it." I announced, my cheeks hurting from the smile that I couldn't shift, for love nor money, from my face.

"Ok, Bells." He sighed, turning away from me with a little smile on his face, "Whatever makes you happy, baby girl." He started walking before looking over his shoulder, "Oh, please call Alice. She's killing me."

I giggled as I walked towards the phone. I dialed Alice's number and waited for her to pick up.

"Brandon residence." An unfamiliar female voice spoke into the receiver.

"Um, hi, is Alice home?" I asked.

"Who's calling?"

"It's um, Bella. Bella Swan." I stuttered into the mouthpiece.

"Hello Bella, I'll just get her for you."

"Um, thanks."

I waited for less than ten seconds before Alice was screeching in my ear and informing me that she was on her way. _Oh hell, here we go._

I pottered around the kitchen, cleaning up and wiping down surfaces before Alice burst through the front door without so much as knocking.

"BELLAAAAAAA!" She hollered from the hallway.

"I'm in the kitchen Alice." I shouted back, still smiling from my pill disposal.

Alice barged her way through the hall and into my kitchen, standing in the doorway with a hand on her hip and a stern look on her face.

"Why didn't you call me?" She hissed at me.

"Alice, I literally phoned you right after the Chief told me to. I swear it."

"So?" She said with a raised eyebrow.

"So what?" I was confused. She'd just gone from pissed off to enquiring in under a second. _This girl is gonna give me whiplash._

"What happened with your appointment thing? I want details!"

"Alice, it's not that big a deal. She just asked for the sob story." I said to her as she gave me the stink eye. "She did tell me to get rid of my medication though."

"REALLY?" She squealed.

"Alice Brandon, refrain from screaming in my house. The game's on." My father yelled from the living room.

"Sorry Chief." She yelled back, before returning her attentions to me, "Really?"

"Really really." I grinned. "I binned them all. One by one, into the kitchen bin."

"I'm happy for you Bells."

"Thank you Alice."

"So…"

"So what?"

"Let's go out."

"What?" I whined. "Alice, come on. I just want to go to bed now. Please let me just go to bed? I had a hard night last night."

"Okay. Just this once then," She said wiggling a finger in front of my face. "I'm going home then, bye Bells," She said giving me a hug before hollering, "Goodnight Chief." in the direction of the living room. We giggled at Charlie's grunted response.

"Bells?" I heard my Dad shout. I peeked my head around the living room door.

"What's up Dad?"

"Have you spoken to Pop recently?"

"Yeah, I spoke to him last week before I left Mom's. Why?"

"No reason, I just wondered. You know he's lonely in that little house of his."

"Well, now I'm back in Forks, I can go see him after school." I smiled. I had missed my Papa when I was in Arizona.

"That's a good idea kid."

"I'll go call him just now."

I walked back into the kitchen and dialed the number I knew off by heart. It had been the same number since I remember. I listened to the ringing, waiting for my Papa to pick up.

"Hello?" I smiled when I heard his gravelly voice.

"Hi Pop! It's Bells."

"Hi Isabella," He replied. I smiled again, knowing full well that he would never shorten my name, "How are things? Did your move go alright? How's that wayward son of mine?"

"Things are okay Papa. The move went fine, I'm all unpacked and everything. Dad's fine too. By the way, did you ever even try to teach him how to cook? He's been living off grilled cheese sandwiches again."

"I tried. And failed." I giggled at him.

"So, I was thinking of coming over tomorrow after school if that's okay?"

"Of course it is, I haven't seen you since Christmas!"

"Okay, I'll be there after school then."

"I'll see you then."

"Bye, Papa."

"Bye for now, Isabella."

I smiled all the way to bed. Snuggled up under the covers, I relaxed, knowing that Pop would be there, at his little house tomorrow, and for the first time since I was fourteen, I would be there with him.

Once the bell rung, signaling the end of the day, I all but ran to my truck.

"Bells, what's the rush?" Edward asked as I barreled into him, almost tripping over my feet.

"Oh, I'm just heading off to my Pop's for a bit. I haven't seen him since December." I smiled excitedly.

"Well, have fun." He smiled back at me, "We're all going to Jasper and Rosalie's tonight if you want to come?"

"Sure, sounds like fun."

"See you there then." He grinned, walking away from me. My heart did a little flip-flop when he grinned at me. _Don't you dare. Isabella, you need to fix yourself first. _Even my inner voice is against me here.

I shook my head and threw myself into the cab of my truck, putting it into gear and taking the eleven minute drive to the first home I ever had. I shut the engine off in the drive and just sat staring at the house.

It was a sturdy log cabin. I mean _sturdy._ My Mom and Dad had lived here with Nana and Pop until I was sixteen months old. Yes, it actually took them that long to find a home for us.

I smiled widely as I made my way up to the porch. I knocked the brown stained wood once before opening the door and hollering my hello. I was welcomed with the scent of tobacco smoke and the other smells that made up my memory of home, of him.

"Papa?" I yelled in the hallway.

"Living room!" I heard him shout back at me.

I walked to the end of the hall and turned left, into his living room. He sat in the same chair, his hair was still the same shade of grey it had always been. His cigarette smoke circled the ceiling fan, just like it had always done.

"Papa!" I grinned as I flew myself at him, hugging him fiercely as he patted my back.

"Jesus Christ Isabella!" he grunted, "Stand up and let me get a better look at you."

I reluctantly let go of my hold around his neck and stood up, straightening my blue sweater as I went.

"Taller and skinnier than last time," He noted before smiling at me, "You look more and more like her every time I see you." He nodded to the wedding picture on the mantle. "You're every bit as beautiful as your Nana," His voice turned stern, "Inside and out, Isabella."

To say that his tone and words confused me would be an understatement. I was completely and utterly perplexed.

"What do you mean Papa?" I asked him. He paused his place on the DVD he was watching, I recognised John Wayne. _Cowboys and Indians as per usual._

"She had problems too, you know. But it never stopped her living her life to the fullest. And I know you're not living your life. Stop trying to look out for everyone. Let them look out for you, please, for once, just be a teenager. I'm too young to have a middle-aged granddaughter."

"You're seventy-five Pop."

"And you're eighteen. Act it." With his last word, he returned to the DVD, all traces of the frown gone from his forehead.

We watched Chisum, an old John Wayne film. John Wayne is my Pop's hero. My Saturday mornings as a child were spent watching cowboys and Indians, not cartoons like the rest of my friends. Papa was an old cowboy, he grew up in Texas, moved to New Mexico when he was a teen, then back to Texas where he met my Nana when they were in their mid-twenties. They married and moved to Washington to raise their boys.

Nana died nine years ago. There's not a day goes by that we don't miss her, but we know she's watching us from 'up there.'

At 5:45, Papa turned the DVD player off and turned to me, his smile causing his eyes to crinkle at the edges.

"I believe it's dinner time, little one." He said to me.

"Ah, grilled cheese sandwiches, a delicacy." I joked.

"Now you be good to that Daddy of yours. Even if he lacks culinary skills, it's not for trying." He laughed, "Now, you go and tell that boy of mine that he owes me and Billy Black a fishing trip."

"I will do Pop." I said, still grinning, as I bent down to hug him again, "I'll see you soon."

He got up from his chair and walked me to the front door, kissing me on the cheek as I turned to walk down the porch steps.

"Be good!" He shouted as I got into my truck.

"I always am Papa." I said back before turning the engine on and driving back to the Chief and his awaiting grilled cheese sandwiches.

Dinner with the Chief was quiet as always. We chatted about school, work and Pop. I relayed the message, to which, my dad smiled and grunted.

I waited for Dad to finish eating before whisking his plate from in front of him and washing it in the sink. I was completing my daily wipe down of the kitchen when I heard Alice shouting on me from the hallway for the second time in two days.

"We're going out." She announced.

"We are?" I asked.

"Yes. We're going to Rose and Jazz's," She waggled a finger at me, much like yesterday and said, "No backing out today. You got to back out last night. Come on."

I giggled as Alice shooed me through the house to gather my keys and say good bye to Dad.

I climbed into Alice's car and buckled myself in. I really hated it when she drove. She was a maniac on foot, why would anyone let her drive?

"So, Bella, where ya been?" She asked in a semi sing-song voice.

"Alice, what are you up to?" I intoned sternly.

"Nothing."

"Don't feign innocence Alice, what are you up to?"

"O-kaaaaaaaay." She huffed, "I was just wondering if you wanted to go on a date with us. Us as in, Jazz and I, Em and Rose, Edward and…well, you."

"Date as in, couples?" I asked, she nodded, "Alice, are you trying to set me up with Edward?"

"I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it, I saw how you two were yesterday and I got a feeling, my feelings are never wrong. I can't be wrong about this. He's always been alone, forever. No one's managed to hold his attention for more than a day or so. But you," She sighed, "You've done something to him already. You didn't treat him like a pretty piece of meat like everyone else does. You talked to him, like your equal-"

"Alice, please shut the hell up." I said, pinching the bridge of my nose and blushing furiously while my heart did that flip-flop thing again, "I'll go on the damned date if you shut up."

Needless to say, Alice grinned all the way to Jasper and Rosalie's. She parked her car and ushered me inside. Their house reminded me of a housekeeping magazine, pristine and completely spotless.

Alice yelled for someone to answer her. We followed the returning shout and entered what Alice sarcastically dubbed 'the cave of wonder.' We were standing in an enormous garage. I noticed Rose's M3, red and shiny, with sparkling sliver stiletto covered feet poking out from under it.

"Um… Al?"

"What?"

"Who the hell is under Rose's car? I don't think I've ever met a mechanic who wears shoes like that."

"That would be me." I heard Rose's muffled, disembodied voice from under the car, she rolled out expertly on those skateboard-type-things that mechanics use, and smiled at me.

"Holy shit." I gaped, "You work on your own car?" She nodded, "That's so freaking cool."

Any other words I may have spoken were forgotten as I was scooped off my feet and into a bone-crushing hug.

"Emmet," I heard Jasper drawl from somewhere, "Put the girl down, she needs to breathe you know."

Once I was safely back on the ground, I gave the evil-eye to the meat-head in front of me before punching him in his solid, and I really mean solid, arm.

"Ouch." I grunted as the pain shot through my hand, "what the fuck are you made of Emmett?"

"Pure muscle, baby." He winked.

"Down boy." I heard Alice chirp, "Why the hell are we in the garage? Can't we please do something constructive with our time? Please?"

"Like what, Alice?" Edward said in a monotone voice, "Try and convince me to go out with you lot again? I told you at lunch, I'm not going. There is no way in hell I'm being the fifth wheel. Again."

"Well, actually Edward," Alice said coldly, "Bella is coming too, so you need to come to keep her company. It's just a movie." I blushed. _Stupid blush. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it._

"You are?" He looked at me.

"Have you met Alice?" I joked, "She wouldn't shut up. I had to agree to get her to stop." I laughed. He smiled at me again. _Cue one flip-flopping heart._

The rest of the night was spent playfully bantering with each other. By the time Alice took me home at 11:30, I was beat and my face hurt from smiling so badly.

We planned our 'date', unbeknown to everyone, on my birthday. The thirteenth of September was on a Saturday this year. And I hoped to god that Alice didn't find out.

**A/N: Yes, another one. I just want to say thankyou for sticking with this. I know I'm a pain in the butt and I hope this story is worth your effort. Love to life takes time, you rule!**


	8. Chapter 8 Before It's Too Late

"_And hold on before it's too late_

_We'll run 'til we leave this behind_

_Don't fall, just be who you are_

_It's all that we need in our lives" – Before It's Too Late – Goo Goo Dolls_

My name is Edward Anthony Masen. I don't sleep. Hence the burning in my eyes right now. I like running, it's how I escape reality. And right now, reality is not my friend; I am shitting myself about this date thing.

"You look like shit." Emmet whispered to me over the breakfast table.

"Thank you so much Emmett, it's good to hear." I said dryly. He shrugged and went back to inhaling his breakfast.

"How long did you sleep for Edward?" Esme, my mother for all intents and purposes asked me gently. My sleep issues were a sensitive area in the family, for reasons unbeknownst to myself.

"I got a couple of hours." I shrugged. I was used to running on nearly empty. The two hours I got last night were more restful than usual. I almost felt refreshed when I woke at three am.

"I heard you playing last night." Carlisle said from behind his newspaper, "It's been a while since I heard you compose your own music."

I had been playing my piano for my imaginary Bella last night. The melody came easily, weaving in and out, confusing yet soothing me at the same time. Remembering this now caused the knot I hadn't realised was in my stomach to tighten. Alice's date night was tonight. And it was Bella's birthday today.

"Yeah, it was just something that came to me." I lied, "I'm going for a run before Alice get's here to cause some trouble." I said, standing up and stretching. I already had my shorts and t-shirt on; it was now a matter of finding my shoes.

_Thump, squelch. Thump, squelch. Thump, squelch._

I loved the sound of my feet hitting the damp pathway that cut through the woods at the back of our garden. I loved feeling the air rushing into my burning lungs, how the muscles in my legs seized if I ran too fast. I loved how I could push myself past the ache and run faster and faster. I loved this feeling of being free, like I could do anything.

Usually, my morning runs were purely an aide to wake me up; the wind whooshing past my stinging, heavy eyes usually did the trick. This morning was different. I was thinking about her. Again. Remembering her. Remembering the panic the night Chief Swan called Alice, and how I wrapped the bandages around her sewn together skin the next morning. Remembering falling asleep, holding on to her and actually sleeping peacefully. Remembering Bella Swan.

That beautiful girl. I could not get her out of my head. I didn't dare to mention it to anyone though. Alice was already interfering enough without the prospect of matchmaking considered. Bearing in mind that she managed to convince Bella to attend this date thing that she had conjured up from nowhere, and that was without the motivation of potential matchmaking.

_I was Bella's date tonight. _Those five words caused me to stop running abruptly and start panicking quickly. _I'm so gonna screw this right up._

"Edward, have I ever been wrong before?" Alice asked me, "Seriously, have I ever been wrong about people?"

"No Alice, you've never been wrong." I muttered. I was in full scale panic mode. Alice being Alice, had managed to squeeze every last ounce of secrecy out of me, effectively causing me to figuratively spill the beans on my feelings for Bella. My truth has caused a squealing fit as she bounced around my room in circles.

Once Alice had calmed down, she managed to keep a hold on herself long enough to tell me about her conversation with Bella a little over a week ago and her suspicion of Bella's feelings towards me.

"I'm right Edward. And you know it." She told me firmly before completely changing the subject, "The dark wash jeans and black shirt please. I'm going to get ready. See you at six."

I watched her leave before setting out my clothes on my bed and walking down the hall to my little haven, my music room.

At six-fifteen, we drove to Bella's to pick her up for our "date." Rosalie and Emmett were in the Jeep, Alice and Jasper were to be riding in my car with Bella and I.

I stopped outside Bella's house, noticing that the Chief's cruiser was in the drive. _Great, _I thought to myself,_ another chat with the Chief. _

We piled out of the cars and the five of us made our way up to the porch of Bella's house.

"I still can't believe she didn't tell us that it was her birthday," Alice fumed from beside me.

"Seriously Alice?" I questioned, "You can't still be pissed about that."

"We're her best friends Edward! Friends tell their friends things like when their birthday is! I had to find out from my Mom of all people. And Bella still hasn't said anything about it being her birthday!"

"Jeez Allycat, give it a rest." Emmett whined. Alice huffed in his direction before turning her blazing eyes on the rest of us.

"Tell me one of you lifted the stupid bag with her gifts in it?"

"I've got it sweetheart," Jasper said calmly from her left, "Just chill out. 'Kay?" She nodded and lifted her little fist and rapped the door once before walking in. Chief Swan was walking from the kitchen with a bag of chips in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. He smiled at us and nodded in greeting.

"She's upstairs using her birthday presents. Head on up."

We muttered our hello's at him as we made our way upstairs, Alice leading the way. I heard music coming from inside her room. _Someone bought her a CD? _Alice motioned to Jasper for the bag of gifts, handing our gifts to Bella to us. I stood stock still, listening to the song coming from her room. The lyrics seemed to catch me by the throat in that instant, choking the air from my lungs in that instant, moving me in a way that I didn't think possible. I felt the hurt of those words, the pleading, the longing. I felt it stir up a side of me I kept hidden for my own good.

I motioned for everyone to listen as the voice in the room got stronger.

_Cut me deep and I'll bleed this out,_

_Give me that sense of relief._

_I'll love it, I'll savour feeling something else._

_Let me do this._

_Yeah, I'm a failure by design_

_And I crawl on all fours like the animal I am_

_I'm exhausted by yesterday, torn apart by today_

_So drill a hole in my head_

_Relieve some of the pressure_

_And I'll be fine, yeah I'll be fine_

The song cut off suddenly. I heard a sniff fro inside the room. I looked down at Alice, the edges of my vision wobbling dangerously, and opened the door to find Bella sitting cross-legged on her bed with her guitar in her lap and a few very expensive looking pieces, of what looked like home recording equipment, set up around her.

I dodged my way around everything, stopping in front of her hunched over body.

"Bella?" I said hoarsely, wiping the wet off my cheeks. Her head snapped up to look at me, eyes streaming, before turning her head sharply to her bedroom door where our friends stood.

"Um, we're here to pick you up." I said lamely, "Are you ok?" I asked, sitting down beside her.

"I'm fine. It's, uh… just been a long week that's all. I, erm, think I'm going through withdrawals of the medication too. I'm pretty much shaking all of the time now. Then I've got the whole full scale depression to deal with too." She blurted out, "No manic episodes. What. So. Ever. It um, gets a bit overwhelming." She said, wiping her eyes with her palms and sighing heavily.

"I can imagine." I whispered, "You know you're not in this alone. I know you've only been here a couple of weeks, but you've become a part of us, Bella. When you hurt, we hurt." I told her quietly, so only she could hear.

"What have you got in your hand Edward?" She asked suspiciously. I had forgotten about the gift in my left hand.

"Ah. Erm, Happy Birthday." I said handing the wrapped rectangle towards her.

"Gah! Who told you?" She demanded. Alice chose this moment to barge in, eyes blazing furiously again.

"I had to find out from my MOTHER, ISABELLA MARIE SWAN. My MOTHER knew it was your birthday and I didn't. Your BEST FRIEND didn't even know" She screeched indignantly, "Why didn't you tell us it was your birthday? We could have had a party-"

"ALICE!" Bella yelled. Effectively silencing my littlest friend, "That is EXACTLY why I didn't tell you! I hate the fuss, the presents, the…" She pulled a face, "attention! It's just another day!"

"But-"

"But nothing Alice. It's just another day to me." She said softly. I took the opportunity of their exchange to look at Bella properly. She was slightly red-eyed and her cheeks were crimson. I loved that blush.

"I just need to grab my wallet and keys, then we can go." She looked at me, blushing again. I tried to figure out how that sentence could make her blush, and I failed spectacularly.

"Not before you open your gifts." Alice said sternly.

"Guys…" Bella whined.

"No. Open them. Now." She commanded.

"Fine." She said with a martyred sigh.

One by one, everyone handed Bella their gifts. Alice had ordered us to shop in Port Angeles last night after school, after finding out from her mother about Bella's birthday yesterday morning. She gave everyone gift advice as we pulled up to school yesterday morning. All of them but me. _"You'll figure it out on your own Eddie," She had told me, "And it'll mean more to her because of that." _I had spent the whole day trying to figure out what to get her, until I went to lunch. Bella was sitting at our table scrawling intently into her battered notebook. That's when the idea struck.

"Edward," I heard her gasp. _I like it when she says my name like that._ "Edward, it's beautiful." She said, turning the leather-bound notebook around, running her fingers across the gold embossed Bella written on the front cover. She opened the book and gasped again, seeing my little blurb on the inside.

_Bella,_

_I know how much your words mean to you and I hope you can fill this book with your happy words instead of your sad ones._

_Happy Birthday Bella._

_Love_

_Edward_

_Xx_

There was a blur of chocolate brown and then a body thudded into mine, squeezing. It took me half a second to realise that Bella was hugging me. I wrapped my arms around her, feeling the serenity and calm that consumed me the last time that she held me. _Don't let go. Please never let go. Ever._

"You like it?" I whispered to her hair. She shook her head and quickly opened her mouth to explain.

"I love it Edward. Thank you so much."

"My pleasure." _Really it is. I will keep buying you notebooks if it makes you smile._

I sat, dazed, with a shit-eating grin on my face as she opened her other presents, not caring what the gift actually was, more interested in her reaction. I watched her grimace as she lifted the next gift of the bad and then her blinding smile when she saw the contents, I gawked whilst she squealed after opening her gifts before throwing herself at our friends one by one for hugs. Or plain bouncing up and down when she opened Alice's gift.

"Holy Jesus Alice!" She screeched, "How the hell did you know how much I love them!" She as now waving an envelope around, "And SIX tickets! Do you guys even like Alkaline Trio?"

"Nope," Alice answered, still bouncing, "Jasper and Edward are the only one's who have even heard of them. But we're all going just because we love you so much."

"Alice! I don't know how I survived without you. YOU'RE AMAZING." She screamed again. Emmett eventually joined in the screaming and bouncing, shrieking "Oh My God." And "Oh, no, you didn't" as he bounced around Bella's room. The sight of Emmett's hulking form bouncing and screaming caused peals of laughter to erupt from Jasper and I, whilst Rose looked slightly ashamed that her boyfriend was now succeeding in emasculating himself.

"Can we eat yet?" Emmett asked, suddenly stopping mid-bounce, "I'm hungry."

I groaned inwardly. Date time. I was terrified. I took a deep breath and stood up. I decided to make light of the situation, I bowed to Bella and held out my arm.

"Are you ready _Madame?"_

"Oui _Monsieur" _She replied with a giggle, linking arms with me.

_Here goes… _

**_A/N: Thank you so so so much to everyone who's added Demons to their favourites or alerts. You are amazing. Lol. And also to my reviewers, especially Life Takes Time (you still rock.)_**


	9. Chapter 9 First Date

**A/N: Hey y'all! Here it is. Again, I'm really sorry for the gigantic wait for this chappy. And thank you if you've taken the time to read this. **

_"When you smile I melt inside, I'm not worthy of a minute of your time.  
I really wish it was only me and you, I'm jealous of everybody in the room.  
Please don't look at me with those eyes, Please don't hint that you're capable of lies.  
I dread the thought of our very first kiss, A target that I'm probably gonna miss" - First Date, Blink 182_

My name is Edward Masen. And tonight, I'm Bella Swan's date.

"_Are you ready Madame?"_

"_Oui Monsieur" She replied with a giggle, linking arms with me._

_Here goes… _

We all made our way to the cars, briefly stopping by the living room to say goodbye to the Chief. Once everyone was settled in, I followed Emmett's Jeep to Port Angeles.

The car journey was pleasant. Alice and Bella provided most of the chatter, Jasper sometimes adding his input. They talked about school and insignificant things for a while before Bella spoke up.

"So what are we actually doing tonight?" She asked. I swear that I saw Alice's eyes light up in the rear view mirror.

"Well," Alice started, "First off, we're going to grab something to eat. I booked three tables at Bella Italia for us-"

"Al, why did you book three? We only need one for the six of us." I commented.

"Don't be so dense Edward. This is a date!" She shot back at me venomously.

"I'll just shut up then." I muttered so that only Jazz could hear. He snorted quietly.

"I found that it's easier to just let her go with it." He whispered to me, "I thought you would have figured that out by now, seeing as you've only known each other your whole lives."

"Oh, shut up." I hissed back at him with a smirk, keeping my eyes on the road.

"-the penne arabiatta is amazing there. You should really try it. After dinner we're going to the cinema." I heard Alice still chattering away in the backseat

"Transformers!" Jazz and I whispered together, giggling.

"No. We will not be going to see Transformers." Alice hissed at us, before turning her ball-breaking glare to Jasper, "Do you really think that I want to see you drooling over Megan Fox? Seriously, Jasper!" She huffed.

"Mary Alice Brandon," He said softly, turning in his seat next to me to face her, "You are far more beautiful to me than she ever could be." He reached for her hand and kissed her palm, "I love you."

Jasper was the only person alive that could cause Alice Brandon to become speechless. She has a retort for everything. It was sometimes hard to believe that Alice and Jasper had only been a couple for a few weeks. Alice squeaked out an "I love you too" before resuming her conversation with Bella with a slightly dazed expression and a goofy grin.

"Nice save man." I muttered to him.

"What save?" He shrugged, "It's just the truth."

I pretended to gag before he punched me lightly in the shoulder, chuckling to himself.

I caught myself staring at Bella in the mirror every few seconds. _Get a grip Edward! She's just a friend. Keep your eyes on the road._

I hardly noticed Emmett pulling into the restaurant. Jasper nudged me gently, "Jeez, seriously earth to Edward." He chuckled, pointing to Emmett's car turning off the road. "Where've you been man?"

"Huh? Um, nowhere interesting." I sighed back, turning into the restaurant and pulling in beside Emmett's monster car. _I will never understand why they let him buy that thing_. We unloaded ourselves and followed Alice into the building. She chirped quickly at the maitre d' and we were ushered to our seats, in three completely different directions.

Bella and I sat in our little booth in companionable silence for a few minutes, browsing through the menu. I noticed that she was fidgeting and nervously looking around every few seconds.

"Bella?" I asked gently, "What's wrong?"

"Um…" She trailed off, looking around at the packed restaurant, and then back to me with a worried expression, "I think Alice may have overlooked one of my slightly quirky problems." She looked down at her hands, wringing them over and over again.

"Which one?" Alice never overlooks anything. Ever. Bella fidgeted a little more, looking around the room.

"I, um, sort of have, uh, a little, um… thing… about crowds." She mumbled.

"Sorry?" I asked, confused.

"Uh, I don't really do crowds anymore. They, um, make me kinda… nervous." She said, looking down at her hands. _Alice, I'm going to fucking kill you._

"God! Alice is such an idiot." I said, shooting daggers at the back of Alice's head across the room, "Do you want to leave?"

"No, it's okay. I'll, um, deal with it I guess." She said, playing with her fingers.

"Bella, if you're uncomfortable then we could always leave and go somewhere else?" I started wracking my brain for ideas of places that didn't have large crowds of strangers.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" She finally looked up at me, worry still clear in her eyes.

"Of course I don't mind." I smiled, "What do you want to do instead?"

Our server chose that moment to come over to take our drinks order. I was still staring at Bella, who was now eyeing the waitress with a look of barely contained disgust that would make Alice proud.

"We're leaving actually, sorry to waste your time." I apologized, standing up and waiting for Bella to rise. She stood and smoothed out her grey shirt before pulling her jacket into her arms and eyeing the waitress once more.

I held out my elbow for her, smiling as she took it, and walked her to my car. I got in and buckled my seatbelt. "I'm just going to let Alice know we've left, she and Jazz will have to go back with Emmett and Rose." I pulled out my phone and sent Alice a text.

**Ali, ur an idiot. U 4got bout B n crowds didn't u? She was freakin out. We r goin somewhere else. Can u n Jazz ride with Em n Rose? Xxx**

"Where do you want to go?" I asked Bella as I turned ignition.

"Are you hungry?" She asked with a smirk, looking ahead.

"Depends on where you want to go." I smiled. She pointed at the fast food restaurant across the street and turned to face me. _My kind of woman!_ I grinned widely. "I am starving." I announced still grinning and headed to the drive through.

"Where are we going to eat this?" She asked me, "You know the fries get cold quickly."

"I know just the place." I smiled, my plan now clicking into place. We placed our orders, a double cheese burger with fries and a coke for me, a veggie with fries and a vanilla shake for Bella. "I didn't know you were vegetarian." I mused as I let the car crawl to the pick-up window.

"Uhm, yeah. I guess I am." She sighed, "I just don't really like meat to be honest."

"Really?" I asked, surprised, "No meat at all?"

"Not really, I mean, I eat some kinds of fish, but, uh, not anything else." She shrugged.

"How does the Chief cope with that? I get the feeling he's a meat eating man." I laughed. Bella flushed crimson and looked down. "What is it?"

"Uh, well, he hasn't eaten meat since I came to Forks."

"He hasn't?" I handed her the food with a shocked face as I turned back to the window to receive our drinks and passed them to her.

"Nope," She smiled, popping the P, "I do all of the cooking," She explained, as I drove out of the little parking lot, "So he's been eating vegetarian since I got here." She started giggling then blushed again_, I love that blush_, "He hasn't even noticed yet."

"Are you being serious?" I gasped, "I'm pretty sure I'd be able to tell the difference."

"Yes, I'm being serious. And we will test your theory Edward Masen. I'm sure you won't be able to tell."

"Well, we'll see about that." I chuckled, glancing over at her. _I wonder if she's seriously going to make me dinner._

We drove for less than five minutes before I pulled into a small park. I grabbed the food bag off her lap and got out of the car.

"We're eating dinner at a park?"

"Sort of." I laughed, turning my head to look at her. She was smiling widely, her hair a deep mahogany in the late evening sun. _You really could be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen Bella. Really._ "We need to walk quickly if you want fries that are anywhere near lukewarm." I said, walking again.

We walked for a few minutes in silence before we reached a picnic bench facing out over the lake and the soon to be setting sun. I gestured to her to sit down before I delved into the bag for the food.

We ate quietly, side by side, watching the sun move closer and closer to the horizon. The darkness was slowly creeping in and bringing a slight chill without it. Bella started shivering beside me.

"Did you leave your jacket in the car?" I asked her. She nodded once, still facing the sun. I shrugged out of mine and draped it around her shoulders, leaving my arm wrapped around her. _Smooth Eddie, you're like a fucking walking cliché aren't you?_

"Thanks." She whispered hoarsely. I saw a tear roll down the side of her face.

"Bella? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said, still whispering.

"What's wrong?" _Tell me I didn't make her cry by giving her my jacket? Please?_

"It's nothing, really."

"Nothing? Nothing makes you cry?" She turned and shot me a look, trying not to smile. I grinned back at her, "Are you going to tell me?" I asked, wiping the tears from her cheeks with my thumbs.

She looked back to the sun, which was now almost completely set, and spoke in another whisper, "It's just so beautiful. You know," Her voice started getting stronger, "with all the crap that goes with me every day, it's comforting to know that I can still find beauty in a sun setting. And I guess I kinda get some strength from knowing that I've survived another day."

We sat in silence for a while as her words sank in before I spoke.

"How are you coping anyway Bella?"

"Uh, okay I guess." She mused, "Some days are better than others. Some are…" She paused, frowning, "difficult."

"Difficult? How so?"

"Uh, well, I, um-" She stuttered, falling over her words.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it."

"No! I mean, its okay. Talking about it I mean." She sighed, "It's just difficult putting it into speaking words."

"Speaking words? As opposed to what?" I laughed.

"That sounds a bit stupid doesn't it," Bella giggled quietly before frowning again, _so this is her "thinking face,"_ her brow straightened as her eyes met mine, "Uhm, you know how I write sometimes?"

"You mean almost constantly." I corrected, earning me a scowl.

"I do not write constantly,"

"Hate to tell you Bells, but, yeah, you do." She scowled at me again, making me laugh.

"Well, I write instead of speak."

"Really? Instead of telling people how you feel, you write it down instead?"

"Kinda." She fidgeted.

"What?"

"Uh, it's nothing."

"Are you sure it's nothing?" _Woman! You are driving me insane!_

"I'm not sure I'm ready for what I was about to ask you."

_About to ask me?_

"What were you about to ask me?"

"Uh," She fidgeted again, "I was going to ask you… if maybe, sometime, if you wanted to – I mean it's okay if you don't – if maybe you wanted to read… my unspeaking words."

I thought over the words that had just tumbled out of her mouth almost inarticulately, trying to make sense of them in my head.

"You would let me read your words?"

"Maybe. Sometime."

She started shivering again. Even inside my jacket, I could see that she was still cold.

"Come on; time to get back to the car." I said, standing up and stretching. She slowly stood up, and smiled at me. "What?"

"You're really easy to talk to Edward."

"You mean, with speaking words?" I gasped, feigning shock. She continued smiling and whacked me on the arm with our bag of wrappers, making me laugh for what seemed like the millionth time tonight.

"Yes, dumbass, with speaking words." Bella smiled.

We walked quickly back to where we'd parked, I took the rubbish from her and dumped it in a rubbish bin near the car. I held her door open for her, closing it softly once she was in. I was about to turn the key when a thought struck me. _Mary Alice Brandon._

"Bella, have you heard from Alice?" I asked, watching her fumble for her discarded jacket. She pulled out her phone and checked the screen.

"Uh, no, have you?"

"It's in the left pocket." I nodded to her as I started the car and started backing out.

"Nope, no texts or missed calls from Alice. But Emmett has sent you a message."

"Can you read it out for me?"

"Uhm, oh _god!"_ She groaned.

"What? What is it?" I started panicking, thinking the worst._ Emmett choked on some garlic bread. Alice finally talked herself to death. Rose-_

"You're not going to believe this. I quote, "Go team get Eddie and Izzy" – when did he start calling me Izzy? - "together. Alice is the man." - I think he means woman – "she will probably want complete details as soon as you get home." They set us up." She frowned at my phone. "Alice didn't forget about the crowd thing. She did it on _purpose!_"

"That sounds more like Alice." I sighed, this evening finally making complete sense, Bella shot me a questioning look and I launched into my explanation of Alice Brandon, "Alice doesn't forget anything Bella. Ever. She plans everything meticulously. It's borderline obsessive if you ask me." I snorted at that part, "She takes everything into account. Every single, minute, detail. That's why Alice basically organizes most of our lives."

"Huh." Bella sighed.

We sat quietly after that, listening to Damien Rice as I drove closer and closer to Forks. I could see Bella smiling in my peripheral vision when Delicate came on. I thought back over our night together. I was silently cursing Alice's ability to interfere in my life without my knowing, and also thanking that same ability. Tonight was completely thanks to Alice. I owed her big for this chance to be with Bella by myself.

I was silently musing how Bella had made me laugh so many times tonight when an image flashed in my mind of Bella scowling at the waitress.

"Hey, Bella?" I asked quietly.

"Huh?" She replied sleepily.

"What was with the death glares to our server in the restaurant?"

I watched as her eyes flamed and narrowed. She huffed out a breath before turning in the seat to face me, leaning her head on the window gently.

"Did you see the way she was looking at you Edward?" I shook my head. I'd only had eyes for my Bella tonight. _My Bella?_ "God! It was like she was trying to take your clothes off with her eyes. I'm pretty sure that she would have tried to jump on you if the room wasn't full." She huffed again, getting angry, "It was pretty damn _obvious _that we were on a date, if you ask me. God!" She growled the last part in a vicious tone that I hadn't heard on Bella in the five weeks she'd been in Forks.

"So you shot glares like that at her?" I shook my head, and then snorted out a laugh.

"Why are you laughing, it's not funny!" She huffed.

"I didn't even notice her. I heard her voice, but I didn't even look at her." I smiled.

"How the hell could you not notice her? She was gorgeous."

_I was staring at the most beautiful girl in the room._

"I was looking elsewhere." I shrugged.

"Huh."

I slowed the car when we reached Forks, hoping that I could draw the night out for a little longer. All too soon, I was pulling into Bella's street. I pulled the car in behind The Chief's cruiser and got out to open Bella's door for her. However, by the time I'd gotten out and walked around the car, she was already out.

"You know, as a gentleman, it's my job to open doors for you."

"If you say so, Edward." She grinned at me.

I had a sudden spurt of bravery and put my arm around her shoulder again. I felt her shrink into my side. _This feels so goddamned right._ We walked up the porch steps, when I reluctantly unwrapped my arm from her shoulder. She turned to face me and smiled widely. _You are _so_ beautiful Bella._

"Thank you for tonight, Edward. I had a really good time." She said softly, looking down at her shoes.

"Yeah, me too. We should do this again sometime."

_SOMETIME? Are you insane Edward? How about tomorrow night Bella? And the night after that and the night after that…._

"Well, thanks again." She muttered to her converse. I put my finger under her chin and tipped her face up to mine. _Kiss her. Now. _I leaned my head towards her, and at the last moment, changed course from her mouth. My lips brushed gently against the soft skin of her cheek. _Fucking coward._

"Happy Birthday. Good night Bella." I breathed.

"Good night Edward." She whispered before unlocking her front door and walking inside, closing it quietly behind her.

I walked quickly back to my car, got in the driver seat and cursed myself out loud all the way to my garage, when it changed from a strangled shout into a whisper under my breath. I got ready for bed quickly. Shedding my jeans and shirt, and I climbed into my bed and lay there, in the darkness, replaying the kiss that should have been over in my head until the sun was finally up and the pain of today started to begin.

**A/N: Worth the wait? Massive love to Lauren, (you're amazing girlie.) and also to Life Takes Time, your comments are very apreciated. And I'm so glad you enjoy this story enough to pimp me out. Ha ha.**


	10. Chapter 10 Queen Of The World

**A/N: Yeah, I know. I suck. Sorry it took so long. I'm actually getting tired of apologising to you guys. Massive thanks to Laur. She rocks. And to you guys who've kept reading even though I'm a little spazzy with the updating thing. Love.**

"_I'm Queen of the world. I bump into things._

_I spin around in circles. And I'm singing and I'm singing._

_Why can't I stay like this? Dear God._

_Oh let me be young. Let me stay, please._

_Oh let me stay like this ohhhh." Queen Of The World – Ida Maria_

My name is Bella Swan. And my life is so bright just now. Everything is so colourful. I feel so whole. I think this is how life is supposed to be. To be honest, it's scaring the shit out of me.

The combination of the sun rising, and the cloudless day in Forks, had caused sharp rays of white morning sunshine to spread through my room this morning. Team that shocking white light with this _weird_ feeling causing my insides to writhe, and voila! One extremely disorientated Bella Swan.

I glanced over at the alarm clock. The neon red numbers flashed 5:15 back at me. _Five fifteen on a SUNDAY!_ I huffed indignantly and rolled over onto my other side, pulling the duvet up over my head to block out the light. Once I realised that I was definitely not going back to sleep, I rolled over onto my back again and stared at the ceiling remembering last night.

_He had tipped my face up to meet his. He was so close that I could almost taste his breath. He leaned in. My eyes had fluttered closed. When I thought his lips were going to meet mine, I suddenly felt them against my cheek. My cheek! My lips were right there, as if to say, "Hey, I'm Bella's lips, KISS ME!" He almost kissed me._

I blew out the breath I didn't realise I'd been holding. I got out of bed; grumpily kicked last night's discarded clothes out of my way, and made my way to the kitchen. There was a note from The Chief on the worktop.

_Bells._

_Gone fishing with Pop and Billy. You know where I'll be if you need me._

_Dad xx_

I knew for a fact that my father would be gone all day. I would be alone. All day.

After making a coffee, I took care of the morning necessities. I was in the shower, rinsing the conditioner out of my hair, when I heard my phone ring in the next room. 'The Taste of Ink' rang out three times before I decided it was probably important and hurried out of the shower when it started ringing again.

I almost ran to my room – a dangerous thing to do wrapped in a towel – and picked my phone off the bedside table. I checked the caller ID, Alice. _It's not that important then._

"Alice Brandon you're in trouble." I growled at her.

"Good morning to you too Bella." She chirped. I glanced at my alarm clock, it blinked 5:55 at me. _Is that it? Seriously?_

"Why are you calling me at six am?"

"I would say "Sorry if I woke you" but you know I wouldn't mean it."

"It's okay, I've been up since after five anyway."

"Soooooooooo" She sing-songed.

"What do you want Alice?" I sighed.

"I'll be over in ten." She said quickly.

"I thought so." I'd been expecting her to do that, I was getting used to conversations like this.

The line went dead.

"Goodbye to you too, Alice." I said to my blank screen. I put the phone back down and hurried to get dressed.

Alice burst through my front door as I was making my way downstairs for my second coffee of the morning.

"Good morning sunshine!" She said happily.

"Yeah, okay." I laughed, walking past her to the kitchen.

"Where's Chief Swan?" She asked brightly.

"It's Sunday, Alice. Where do you think he is?"

"Ah. Sunday. Fishing." She smiled.

"Uh huh."

I turned to the coffee pot and started making enough for two. Alice was humming to herself at the kitchen table. Over the last five weeks or so, I'd learned enough about her by now to tell that she was about to explode with questions. True to form, as I set her mug down in front of her and raised my eyebrow, she let out a stream of questions in one breath.

"So what happened? Where did you go? What did you do? Was he nice to you? Cause if he wasn't nice to you, I will kick his ass. Did he kiss you?" She fired off rapidly. I sipped my coffee and sighed.

"We got some burgers, went to a park, ate said burgers and talked. Yes he was very nice to me so you don't need to kick his ass." I said, almost equally fast. "And, uh, no. He didn't kiss me." I mumbled quietly.

"That's it." She said, jumping up from her seat. "I'm gonna kick his ass."

"Alice, sit down." I groaned, "It's not a big deal. So what? He didn't kiss me. Maybe he just doesn't see me like that. And speaking of last night." My voice turning stern as she slid back into her seat, "What the hell were you playing at?" I growled, "I told you not to mess with this! We're friends. And I don't want anything to fuck that up if you don't mind. It's kinda nice being able to sit with someone in a park, eating burgers, watch the sun set and feel completely at ease. It is not a big deal that he didn't kiss me on the lips."

"You guys watched the sunset last night?" She said in the tenderest voice I've ever heard her use in conjunction with anything but Jasper.

"Yeah." I said, smirking to my coffee.

"And he didn't kiss you on the lips?"

"No." I frowned.

"But he kissed you somewhere else?" I heard the hint of hope in her voice. I tapped my cheek in roughly the same spot that he'd kissed. "That is actually really cute." She squeaked softly.

"Yeah." I sighed, smirking to my mug again.

"But you seriously ate burgers in a park?" She giggled.

"Yeah, we did." I smiled, "It was actually pretty great."

"But as first dates go, that's gotta be one of the worst I've heard about." She laughed.

"It wasn't. Alice, _god! _It was great."

"Yeah you've said that already."

I laughed and asked about their date last night. Which Alice went into great detail about, while I nodded at whilst going over mine and Edward's "date" in my head.

Alice finally gave up talking and headed home at midday. I was exhausted listening to her. I felt lethargic, as if she had taken what little energy I had right out of me.

I'd decided I'd have a nap before The Chief got home, but after rolling around for twenty minutes, I gave up and walked back to the kitchen. I made enough sandwiches for four people and headed out to my truck.

Dad had been thoughtful enough to leave directions to the place he goes fishing the first time he went while I was here. I had the piece of notepaper on my lap, following the directions to a little pier just before La Push. I pulled in beside Dad's cruiser and made my way to the three anorak clad figures sitting next to the water; one on the wood, one in a folding chair and the other in a wheelchair.

"Hey Dad." I said, plonking down beside him and dangling my feet of the edge, kissing him on the cheek.

"Hey there Bells." He eyed me over, "What brings you down here?"

"I'm escaping Alice." I giggled, "I brought cheese sandwiches."

"That's my girl." I heard the gravelly voice of my grandfather chuckle. I scrambled up from my spot beside Dad and stumbled over to him, wrapping my arms around him from behind.

"Hey Papa." I said cheerily, kissing him on his cheek, "How are you?"

"I'm fine honey. But you can pass the sandwiches this way darlin'" He smiled, his eyes crinkling at the edges as they always do.

Dad passed him the Tupperware box and he dug in.

"Hey Billy. How's things?" I asked the last man. He smiled at me from his wheelchair.

"Things are good Bella. How are you settling into Forks? Enjoying the rain?" He chuckled.

I laughed. "Yeah, the rain is pretty awesome," I giggled, "But two days of sunshine in a row must be a record here." He nodded and laughed, "So far, everything's going good. I made friends quickly. They're all really good people."

The four of us sat in an easy silence for most of the day. I knew three of us were silent creatures by nature and it seemed that Billy was perfectly happy with the silence.

I was sitting on the ground at my Papa's feet, when he asked me if I'd met any "nice young men in town." I blushed and started telling him about my "date" with Edward. Missing out the parts where I'd cried, tried to kill the waitress with my eyes and the almost kiss.

"Was he a gentleman?" Was all he asked.

"Of course he was." I smiled, "He gave me his jacket when I got cold, held the car door open for me, let me have control of the CD player, walked me to the front door. The whole works." I laughed.

"He's a good boy, Edward, isn't he Charles?" He aimed at my Dad. I giggled inwardly at the full name use.

"Yup." He said over his shoulder, "His cousin on the other hand…" He smiled at me. We both giggled.

"Hey Dad!" We heard another voice shout from where the cars were parked. I looked over at the boy questioningly as he came closer to us. He looked about my age, maybe, and a lot like Billy. The same nose and eyes that I could see from a distance. He was better built that him though, his hair darker, shinier and straighter, and tied in a ponytail at the base of his neck. He walked quickly over to us before stopping at Billy's wheelchair. "Rachel called. She said I was to get to you as soon as I could and tell you to call her immediately." He repeated with a frown, handing Billy a silver phone. "Please call her back, she's been bugging me for the last hour to get you."

"Hey Jake." Dad called over to him.

"Hi Charlie," He smiled and waved at my Dad and then shook my Papa's hand, "Mr Swan, it's good to see you again, how are you?" He smiled at him.

"I'm fine son, the fish aren't biting today." He smiled his crinkly eyed smile and gestured to me, "Jacob Black, this is Isabella Swan, my gorgeous granddaughter." I blushed at his comment.

"Papa." I groaned.

"He calls 'em as he see's 'em Bells. You know that." Dad said over his shoulder, smiling at my already crimson cheeks growing darker.

"Aww _man!" _I huffed to myself before looking up at Jacob to see him chuckling. "_Bella _Swan." I said, shooting a pointed look in my Papa's direction and holding my hand out to Jacob.

"Jake." He said, traces of laughter still in his voice, "You just moved here didn't you?" I nodded, "All we heard from Charlie all summer was how excited he was that his little girl was coming to stay for a while." He said smiling in my dad's direction. I saw the tops of my Dad's ears turning red.

"Aww, Daddy, that's so cute." I giggled.

"Come on now, don't embarrass your Daddy like that." My Papa grinned mischievously, "I can do a better job than that."

"Dad. Please don't." The Chief groaned, looking mortified.

"Maybe another day." Pop laughed.

We heard Billy talking excitedly on the phone. "Rachel, that's fantastic honey. Congratulations. How far along?" He paused, listening, "You're what?" Another pause, "Of course you can!" He paused once more, "Okay honey, of course I will." He smiled at Jake, "Okay, I'll speak to you later on and we can arrange it. I love you too." He grinned at Charlie, "Good bye." He closed the phone and handed it back to Jake.

"What was that about?" Jake asked, "She didn't sound happy when I spoke to her and you're grinning like an old wolf."

"I'm going to be a grandpa." He said, with a huge shit-eating grin plastered on his face. We all congratulated him and then Jake too.

"Why are you congratulating me?" He asked bewildered, "It's not like I'm having the baby."

"Um, you do realise that you'll be an Uncle don't you?" I asked. Once my words seemed to sink into him, his grin matched Billy's, before he started looking really sad.

"What's wrong?"

"Uh, Rachel lives in Hawaii with her boyfriend, Paul." He deadpanned, "I might see the kid maybe once a year." We looked at Billy, who was still grinning like a fool and winking at us, "You know something I don't."

"Yup." He grinned.

"She's moving home isn't she?" He asked, his face flickering between hope and sadness.

"Yup." Billy's grin got wider if it was even humanly possible. Jake bounced about a few times, punching the air and whooping, earning a frown from my Papa, "You know, if I could walk, I'd probably be doing the same thing Andy." He said to my Papa.

"Dad, are you forgetting that both you _and_ Mom did that when Ren and I told you we were expecting Bells." The Chief smiled at him.

"I did not!" He exclaimed, frowning.

"Oh yes you did." My Dad grinned, "You and Mom bounced around that living room for a good ten minutes, calling each other "Granddaddy" and "Grandma" and then realised that Ren and I were still standing there," He looked over at Jake and I, set his fishing rod down and walked over to me, "Then, your Papa grabbed your Mom and started waltzing with her." He laughed, waltzing with me on the pier beside Billy's chair as Jake, Billy and I dissolved into laughter.

"You're exaggerating Charles." Pop smiled, "I will admit there was some was dancing and "Granddaddy" and "Grandma" calling." He wagged a finger at Dad, "But no bouncing."

"He's lying." Dad stage whispered to us. We laughed at the mental image of my Nana and Papa bouncing around their little living room.

"So how pregnant is she?" Jake asked.

"She said that she thinks she's about ten weeks or so. She wants to move home as soon as possible so that both she and Paul can bring the child up close to our families." He grinned again.

"That's good." Jake smiled before groaning, "Dad! We're gonna have to do some serious baby-proofing." He grimaced, "There's so many things that kid could hurt itself on in our house!" Billy started laughing.

"She's still pregnant Jake." He laughed, "You've got another seven months or so before the baby is even born and then another six or seven months before they start crawling."

"Ah." He said looking thoughtful.

My phone started ringing in my pocket again. "Sorry guys," I said looking at the caller ID. _Alice, again._ "It's Alice." I sighed as Dad started laughing. I walked a few paces away before answering.

"Hi Ali."

"Bella! Where are you? We came to pick you up! But you're not here." I could hear the bewilderment in her voice.

"I'm fishing." I grinned into the phone.

"Fishing?"

"Well, not actually fishing. I'm more-"

"When will you be back?" She cut me off.

"Dare I ask why?"

"Just wondering." She chirped in her I-know-something-you-don't-know voice.

"What are you up to Alice?" I said flatly.

"Nothing." She sang in the same voice.

"I'll be about twenty minutes." I sighed, defeated.

"'Kay, see you soon!" She said before the line went dead.

I stood and stared at the screen, much as I had this morning. "Goodbye to you too." I huffed. I turned back to my Dad, to see him barely containing his laugh.

"I never get to say bye to her!" I complained, stomping my foot as he started guffawing, "It's not funny Dad! She just hangs up." I waited until he'd stopped laughing to speak again. "Uh, I need to go. She's up to something." I grimaced as he started laughing again.

"Okay Bells." He smiled, still chortling, "I'll be home later."

"Okay." I said, hugging him, "I'll see you later."

I hugged my Pop and kissed his cheek. I said goodbye to Billy and Jake, then headed to my truck and whatever mischief Alice was up to now.

**A/N: I hope it didn't suck too much. Chapter eleven should be up next week :)**

**xxx**


	11. Chapter 11 Cold Desert

**A/N: As always, hats off to Laur, she fixes my crap and is seriously good at it. Love to Life Takes Time, your reviews always make me smile.**

**"_I never ever cried when I was feeling down  
I've always been scared of the sound  
Jesus don't love me no-one ever carried my load  
I'm too young to feel this old." Cold Desert – Kings of Leon_**

My name is Bella Swan. And my friends are weird.

I pulled up to the house, my truck making it's usual deafening thunder as I let it idle for a second before cutting the engine and getting out.

I carefully made my way up the porch steps to find Alice and a very glum looking Edward sitting beside my front door, scowling at the Pixie next to him.

"Alice, it really can't be that important that you have to sit on the porch waiting for me, can it?" I asked, smiling at her.

"Actually, it is. We're going to mine for a movie night." She said getting up, "Edward, move." She said sternly.

"You okay?" I asked him gently. I got a nod in reply. He really didn't look happy at all. He looked tormented, as if something was eating him from the inside out. I'd seen that look on my own face in the mirror enough times to know that something was most definitely wrong with him.

"Come on!" Alice yelled from her car. Edward walked by my side to Alice's car, holding the passenger door open for me before sliding into the backseat.

"What are we watching?" I asked her.

"Uh, actually, I haven't got that far yet. I thought that I'd let Edward choose." She looked at him in the rear-view mirror. I turned in my seat to look at him too. He was slumped down in the seat, blankly staring at the back of my chair.

"Edward?" I said quietly, "What do you think?"

He shrugged and muttered "I don't really care."

The remainder of the short trip to Alice's house was tense and uncomfortable. I tried to lighten the mood, asking Edward stupid questions about school. I received shrugs and non-committal grunts as answers. I was not amused to say the least.

"Alice?" I asked one we got out and Edward walked off with his head down and hands in his pockets, "What's wrong with him?"

"He'll be fine Bella." She smiled, "its better coming from him than me really." She shrugged and dragged me inside her house.

The rest of our small group were already seated in the living room, Emmett and Rosalie were snuggled up on the loveseat, and Alice had squished herself onto the recliner with Jasper, leaving an empty spot on the sofa beside _Grumpward._

"Hey guys." I chirped at them on my way to my seat. They all grumbled their hellos back at me. I sat down next to Edward and nudged him with my elbow, "You okay?" I whispered to him again.

"Yeah. Just…" He shook his head slightly before trying to smile, "I'm fine."

I sat and looked at him, "You know I don't believe you, right?" I whispered again. His smile was real this time, tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"I know." He mumbled, staring at the blank TV screen.

"So, what are we watching?" Emmett boomed.

"Dude, seriously, do you even have an inside voice?" Jasper snorted from the recliner. All of us, apart from the very unhappy Edward, fell apart laughing and chuckling as Emmett replied with a loud "Nope."

Once Alice managed to catch her breath she announced that we were having a Lord of the Rings marathon. I did an inward happy dance.

"Aww, seriously Alice?" Rose whined, "I can't sit through one, never mind all three of them!"

"Alice, you know this isn't gonna work honey." Jasper sighed, "Emmett and Rose will bail out halfway through the first one, you'll fall asleep before the battle of Helms deep and I don't even know if Bella likes LOTR." He looked at me questioningly, "Do you?"

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Rose groaned, "Seriously?"

I nodded, "Uh, yeah."

"Oh god." She whined, "I'm out. I'm going to work on the car." She huffed, standing up and walking to the door, her heels clicking on the tile in the hall. "Emmy, are you coming?"

Emmett looked pained for a second, as if making the biggest decision of his life. "Sorry guys." He mumbled before bolting out of the door, shouting "Bye Muffin."

"Goodbye Cupcake." Edward yelled back, shaking his head.

"He is so whipped." I heard Jasper snort. "And then there were four." He turned and smiled at Alice, "Allycat? Do the honours honey?" He said softly into her hair. She turned slightly, kissing him on the cheek before running over to the DVD player and putting in the first disc.

"Cupcake, huh?" I grinned at Edward, "Do I want to ask?"

"It was hilarious." Alice grinned from her Jasper shaped seat, "Rose and I found Emmett and Edward sleeping together this morning. He thought Edward was Rose and yadda yadda yadda. So He's now Muffin and Em is Cupcake." She giggled.

"Do I want to ask about the sleeping together thing?" I asked quietly. Alice giggled again, shaking her head and settling into Jasper to watch the film.

Just as Jasper had predicted, Alice was asleep in his arms well before Helms Deep. Gandalf hadn't even left Rohan before her eyes closed and didn't open back up. Somewhere near the end of the second film, Edward draped a blanket across both of us, then wrapped an arm around me, pinning me to his side.

Jasper was dozing beside Alice when Edward put the third film in the player. He settled back onto the sofa beside me.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong with you?" I asked as gently as I could, "I'm worried about you Edward."

"I'm fine Bella." He put on his fake smile again.

"You know I still don't believe you right?"

"I know."

Turning his attention back to the screen he spoke softly, "It's just a very bad day."

"What makes it such a bad day?"

"I'll tell you later." He smirked.

"But you're okay? Right?"

"Yes Isabella. I am fine."

I punched him in the arm, "My name is Bella." I hissed at him.

"Of course it is. And that actually hurt." He said tickling my sides.

Somewhere in between the tickle fight, I had ended up sprawled across Edwards lap as he mercilessly tickled me into oblivion. Alice and Jasper woke during the fight and just sat in the chair, smiling at us.

"Dude," Jasper grinned as he broke the silence, "Seriously, get a room."

"Holy shit." I squealed, trying to put myself right side up and being held firmly in place by Mr Tickle. _Stupid skinny boy and his superhuman strength._ "We didn't wake you did we?" I asked from my slightly skewed position across Edward.

"No you didn't wake me." Alice smiled, "I woke when I felt Jasper holding in his laugh. So naturally I had to wake up and see what was going on." She shrugged, "Have you two got something to tell us?"

"Huh? What would I want to tell you?"

I looked at Edward, who was now glaring at Alice. He blinked twice and unceremoniously shifted me from his lap and back onto the sofa cushions. He stood up and positioned himself in front of Alice and Jasper, pointing a finger at the Pixie.

"Leave. It. Alone." He snarled before walking out.

I looked over at the other two, completely confused. "What the fuck?" I breathed.

"He's just having a bad day Bella." Alice sighed, she nudged Jasper in the ribs, "Can you take Bella home? I drove her here and I'm too sleepy to drive back."

"Of course honey." He murmured, kissing her cheek, "I'll be back soon."

I gathered my jacket, stuffed my feet back into my Converse and gave Alice a hug before following Jasper out to his bike.

I had no idea what Edward was playing at. Normally, he wasn't such a douche. His words rang in my head;_ it's just a very bad day._ What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I shook my head, dispelling the thoughts of my uncharacteristically angsty friend.

"Dude, this is epic." I gasped, setting my eyes on Jasper's Bandit and trailing my finger along the silver fuel tank. Remembering the way the scarlet paint on my own motorcycle felt underneath my fingers. _I miss my baby girl._ "I had a CBR when I was back in Phoenix. I was far too short for it." I giggled, remembering how I had to tilt to the side when I stopped.

"You had a bike?" He asked with an incredulous expression on his face.

"Yeah. Phil, my stepdad, got me a 125 for my 16th birthday." I smiled at the memory, "I loved that thing so much, and I was completely crushed when Mom took her away from me."

"Whoa. Your Mom took your bike?" He hissed. I had been so mad at her for taking my bike and couldn't begrudge Jazz for being pissed at the removal of my favourite machine from my life.

I nodded, "Yeah, she sold it to a guy that she knows back home about, um," I paused, trying to count the weeks of boredom between my bike's disappearance and my flight out of Arizona, "Four or five weeks before I came to Forks. Apparently, I was enough of a danger to myself without a motorcycle added into the mix."

Jasper laughed a little and handed me a helmet. I wrinkled my nose at the offending pink paint.

"Alice?" I asked rubbing my thumb over the daisies painted on the sides.

"You know it." He grumbled, straddling the Bandit, "Hop on."

I had forgotten how it felt. The vibration through the seat as the throttle was released. The smell of gas, leather and asphalt. The feeling of being completely and absolutely free. I felt as if I could sprout wings at any moment and fly away. It was second to only one thing in my life. And that was my words.

_I am so getting another one of these fuckers._

All too quickly, we were in front of my house. I managed to dismount without injuring myself. Or Jasper. I handed him Alice's helmet and gave him a quick hug before thanking him for the drive home.

"Anytime Bells." He said through the open visor, "See you at school."

I walked back a few paces and waved as he gunned the engine. The sound of all that power vibrated through me, exciting every nerve in my body. I had an itch now, which only riding a bike would scratch.

I watched Jasper ride out of the street as I made my way up to my front door. After unlocking it, slipping inside and locking it again, I listened for signs of life in the house. I heard the TV coming from the living room and smiled.

"Hey Daddy." I grinned as I rounded the corner, strangely happy to see him sitting in his chair, beer in hand. I giggled slightly.

"Hey kid. What's new?"

"Not much." I sighed, flopping down on the sofa and picking up my discarded book from last night. The Chief and I had a strange routine at nights. If I didn't come home completely exhausted, I lay on the sofa reading a book while he watched his sports. It was comforting to sit in the easy silence with my dad.

I was perusing a collection of poems by Rudyard Kipling when my stomach dropped, my heart clenched and the air rushed out of my lungs all at the same time. I groaned out loud, holding in the agonised scream.

"You okay, Kid?" Dad asked me.

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine Dad." I grumbled.

_This isn't fine Bella. You know it's not fine. Feeling like this isn't fucking fine. Do you feel fine? Cause I sure as hell don't feel fucking fine. I want to crawl into a fucking ball, go to sleep and NEVER FUCKING WAKE UP._

I held down my whimpers as I stood and hugged my dad, kissing him goodnight before trudging up to my room. Every step felt like an effort. Like my feet were encased in lead. My heart was aching. My mind was screaming at me to just give up.

_I'm so sick of fighting this. I get used to feeling human. Then my life withers in front of my goddamned eyes._

I fell down onto my bed and let the feeling consume me. I held in my tears and my whimpers. The feeling of complete and utter despair winding its way through my veins, tightening it's desolate tendrils around my aching heart and squeezing until I was gasping for breath.

_Help me._

I thought back to the bath incident five weeks ago. I was so close to never feeling like this again. So close to never feeling anything again.

_I want to bleed. Let me bleed._

After that stray thought, all I could think about was seeing my blood, feeling it leaving my body. My mind chose to plague me with memories of the scars that now lace up my right arm, underneath the whirls and stars of ink. The actions that were the cause of those scars played like a movie in my head. I saw the three claw-like scars on the inside of my arm, still visible through the ink. And I remembered the cuts that made them, I remembered the feeling of my naked Stanley blade as I pressed it into my flesh and dragged it across my skin, how it shuddered as it undid me. How I felt-

"STOP IT!" I screamed into my empty room. I lifted up my battered notebook, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. It was taking so much will power and concentration not to re-enact those memories. I tried to shut out my inner whining and started scrawling on an empty page, the words escaping me freely through my hand.

_**Ashamed**_

_Life counts itself against me._

_Death has become a recurring theme._

_I'm bleeding again,_

_Gushing crimson through this veil of shame._

_I am one and all,_

_Everything and nothing._

_Why aren't you running yet?_

_Save yourself before I infect you too._

_I've lost people that made my life worth living._

_I'm left with the empty shells of past friendships._

_I'm sick of burying the things that I love,_

_Bury me this time._

_I'm breathing in poison,_

_Not your pure, clean air._

_Release me! Free me!_

_I'd give everything to be free of this. _

I heard a knock on my door, without waiting for a response, it opened and the chief stood there, gun in hand.

"What the hell is going on?" He growled. I couldn't take my eyes off the gun in his hand. I'd never actually seen it before. He'd always kept it locked away when I was younger. I don't think he ever got out of the habit.

"Dad? Can you please put the gun away?" I asked timidly. The fact that I was now staring down the barrel of my father's weapon was making me extremely nervous. It slipped quickly out of sight as he apologised. "Nothing's going on Dad. I was just thinking. Sorry if I disturbed you." I tried to smile.

"Okay." He shifted anxiously from foot to foot, "I'm going to bed. You be okay?"

"Of course I will." I nodded. "Night Daddy."

I lay staring at my ceiling, still fully dressed for a few hours. I heard my Dad's foghorn snores and I was comforted by the noise. I'd spent so many nights in Phoenix wishing that I could hear my fathers snoring; he was the soundtrack to my summer nights.

I rolled over onto my side to look at my alarm clock. It read three thirty in the morning. Out of nowhere, the urge to go for a walk hit me. I quietly made my way down to the kitchen, grabbed my jacket, shoes, iPod and a flashlight before heading out into the back garden.

I followed the trail that led from the back of my house, listening to Ida Maria as I went. It was still dark and I was glad that my usually useless common sense had thought to convince me of the flashlight's use.

My feet lead me of their own volition, slowing as I came to the edge of trees. I recognised the scene in front of me. I had just walked to La Push. I was now on First Beach, staring out at the inky water. The sky was turning a grey colour, it was almost dawn.

I took my ear buds out and listened to the waves breaking the shore. It was soothing, and when that soothing feeling crept through me, replacing the vines of despair from earlier, that I realised how different I felt. As soon as my pistol-toting father had barged into my room, I hadn't felt the low anymore. I'd been terrified. But I wasn't low. I mentally gave my Dad a high-five for scaring the shit out of me.

I heard footsteps behind me. The quick thud of them complimented the waves in an almost poetic manner. I turned my head to see Edward running along the beach, near the trees. He had one of those head light things on. The kind you see miners wearing in movies. _So this is why he's so skinny. He spends all night running.  
_

I turned my flashlight back on and shined it at him. By the way he cringed away from my light; he'd clearly thought he was alone. He turned his head, not slowing his pace and looked at me. His feet stopped very suddenly and almost comically before he headed towards me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He asked, smiling as he sat down on the driftwood I was using as a seat.

"Uh, I went for a walk and ended up here."

"You walked from Forks to La Push?" He grinned as I nodded, "Why?"

"I felt like it." I hissed, my bewilderment at his behaviour tonight turning quickly into anger, "You know, I don't see why I should answer your questions Edward. You never answer any of mine."

I sat back with a sick sense of satisfaction at the confused look on his face.

"What?"

_I shouldn't be enjoying this. I really should not be enjoying this._

"You never answer any of my questions, so I'm not going to answer any of yours." I huffed, folding my arms and staring out at the water again, ignoring him completely. _Take that, stupid skinny boy. How do ya like me now, huh?_ I snorted quietly at myself before regaining my composure and returning to ignoring him.

"Why did you just snort?"

"Not answering." I sing-songed, the sound was annoying even to my ears.

"FINE!" He yelled, "Fine. What do you want to know."

"Edward, are you seriously this easy?" I giggled. No one could be this easy to get information out of.

"Yes." He huffed at me, "But I'm only this easy with you." He smiled is devastating crooked grin. I couldn't control the little grin that took over my own mouth.

"Fine." I sighed, "Why have you been such a sourpuss today. And what the hell was that thing with Ali before you stormed off? And by the way, I just _loved_ the way you threw me on the couch." I half snarled the last part at him. If I were completely honest, I was a little hurt by the way he dumped me onto the sofa. I was confused by the rage he had at Alice and I was beyond perplexed at_ Grumpward's_ behaviour in general.

He looked away from me and down at his hands, twisting his fingers before looking back to me. The tortured man from earlier was staring back at me again, his shockingly green eyes full of tears.

"My parents died sixteen years ago today Bella." He sniffed, the tears falling from his eyes and onto the sand at our feet, "And I can't remember a thing about them anymore."

**A/N: How good do I feel about posting another chapter in under a month? Amazing! Ha ha. Hope you enjoyed hearing from Bella again, next chappy is EPOV. **


	12. Chapter 12 Folding Stars

"_I would do anything for another minute with you,_

_Because it's not getting easier, it's not getting easier__  
__You will be folding stars, you can't ever understand__  
__It's not getting easier, it's not getting easier__  
__I hope that you're folding stars" Folding Stars - Biffy Clyro_

My name is Edward Masen. Bella probably thinks I'm a pussy, Alice Brandon is an asshole, Jasper is out to get me, and I think my brother-cousin _wants_ me wants me. Right now the only person who isn't freaking me out is Rosalie. And now I'm freaked out.

I lay in bed for hours, unable to sleep. At three am I pulled the picture of my parents out of my bedside cabinet. I spent hours tracing their faces. I was now sitting up and still staring at the photograph in my lap. I studied the eyes of the woman who pushed me out into the world and the mouth of the man who helped make me. I tried to remember their voices as I spun their wedding bands around my finger. I tried to remember how it felt to have my mothers arms wrapped around me as I pushed her ring onto the third finger on my left hand, or how my father smiled as I pushed his on afterwards. The cool gold against my skin burst a dam inside of me. The grief gripped at my heart, squeezing. I was broken out of my musings by the front door slamming.

"Edward Anthony Masen!" I heard the yell from downstairs followed by thuds of her tiny feet stomping their way through my house, "Get your butt down here where I can yell at you face to face!"

I pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, willing her to go home and leave me. Just for today I wanted to be alone with my demons. To be alone with the ghosts and nonexistent memories of my parents.

I sighed, standing up and pulling sweatpants over my boxers and a t-shirt over my head. I walked slowly to the stairs and took each one at a time. Once I reached the bottom, I looked at the face of an irate Alice Brandon. I saw the anger leave her eyes in a flash, replaced with worry.

"Eddie? You okay?" She asked me gently. I shook my head roughly, not really trusting myself to speak without wailing like a wounded animal. "What's wrong Edward?"

"What day is it, Alice?" I croaked. I watched her face as I waited for the penny to drop. The worry disappeared as suddenly as the anger had. Her face had realisation and sympathy written all over it.

_I don't want your sympathy Alice. Or your pity. Just leave me the fuck alone._

She threw her tiny arms around my neck and hugged me, squeezing me, making it hard for me to breathe. I welcomed it. It was a relief not being able to breathe. "I'm sorry Edward. It completely slipped my mind." She murmured into my shoulder as squeezed tighter, "I was coming over to yell at you for not kissing Bella. But you can yell at me for being such a sucky friend."

"I don't want to yell at you Alice." I said, hardly recognising my deadened voice. "I just want to be alone today."

"No way." She hissed with her eyes alight again, "No. Fucking. Way."

"Alice, please don't start with-"I groaned.

"Listen to me, Edward." She growled viciously at me, "I will not let you attempt the same thing every year. After seeing you get into the same funk every year, do you really think I'm going to let you do it again?"

"Alice. Please." I begged her. "I just want to be alone."

I looked into her eyes, seeing the flames still burning. "Listen to me douche bag." She snarled again, "You won't be alone today. So suck it up and get showered. We're going out. I'll come and pick you up in an hour."

I was dismissed as she pulled out her phone and started talking in a rushed voice as she walked out of the front door.

I admitted defeat and trudged back to my room. I headed towards my en-suite, grabbing clean underwear on my way. I stood in front of the mirror for a few minutes taking in my appearance. My eyes were rimmed red, the purplish bruises under them from years of next to no sleep. My usually wild hair was even more so, twisting off in different directions of its own volition. I thought back to the photograph of my parents and ran back into my room to retrieve it, taking it with me to stand in front of the mirror.

I looked at the straight line of my father's nose and his strong, angular, jaw before looking to the mirror, willing myself to find similarities there. There was almost something familiar about our noses, but not quite. My jaw wasn't as strong as his.

His hair matched mine in its wildness, but not its colouring.

I searched his eyes, but I knew I wouldn't find any kinship there. I knew I had my mother's eyes. Much like Emmett had his father's eyes. Just as my mother, Emmett's father and Esme had their mother's eyes.

It took less than a second before my heart broke again. Tears were falling faster than I could wipe them away. I sank to my knees on the bathroom floor and I wailed as I curled in on myself, sobbing hard, gasping for breath and clutching the photograph to my chest.

I didn't hear the thunderous footsteps on the floor as much as I felt them. I looked up to find familiar eyes. His held the same sorrow mine did. Without a word my brother lifted me up and carried me to my bed where we lay, both of us crying and holding on to each other, mourning the loss of our respective parents until we fell asleep.

…………..

"Well I don't give a shit if you think its cute Rose. We need damage control here." I heard Alice hiss at Rosalie from somewhere behind me.

I could feel Emmett's arm around me and I was comforted by the weight of it on me, the warmth of his body surrounding me and the steady rise and fall of his chest at my back. _God! Are we spooning? Am I seriously spooning my brother?_

"Alice. Lay off him today. Sometimes you just need the day hon, and I think that today, both of them need it."

"Rose, you don't understand." Alice whined softly, "Ever single _motherfucking_ year I've known those boys, Edward tries to have a private pity party on the fourteenth. I won't let him."

"Alice." The razor sharp tone to Rosalie's voice was enough to wake Em.

He pulled me closer to him and nuzzled into my neck before murmuring "I didn't mean it baby. I love you Rosie."

_Fuck. This. He thinks I'm Rose._

"Cupcake, you know I love you too but your girlfriend is in the doorway." I mumbled back to him, still half asleep.

My voice broke through the haze of sleep still hovering over him. He sat bolt upright as I turned to face him. "Dude, not funny." He gasped, clutching his chest. "So not funny."

"You have no idea how cute you both looked." Rose crooned, "Eddie, I must say I'm relieved that you're the bitch here and not my monkey man." She giggled before turning her eyes back to Em, "Come on baby, let's go work on my car. I need to clean the carburettor and I know how much you like it when I get dirty."

I groaned. "Seriously get a room." I whined, "And not mine." I added hastily.

Emmett kissed my cheek and bounced off the bed to pick Rose up bridal style. "See you later muffin." He threw over his shoulder at me, winking with one of his bloodshot and red rimmed eyes.

Alice tentatively stepped into my room and lay down beside me, curling up beside me like we did when we were younger.

"I'm sorry I'm being a bitch Edward." She whispered, "But it's for your own good."

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head, glad that I had only ever felt platonically towards her. "I know Al." I sighed as I realised I'd just given in and she'd known that I would. She moved her head to rest on my bare chest. _You can feel sad all you like Ed, but Ali is going to try her hardest to keep you occupied and you know it._

"You need to shower." She smiled as she sniffed the air. "You stink."

I released her, kissing the top of her head again, and headed for my shower.

I let the water run over me. I stood in the middle of the tub, letting the spray fall down my skin making no attempt to actually clean myself for a little while. I eventually grabbed the shampoo and rubbed a small amount into my hair, massaging it vigorously before rinsing, watching the suds flow down the plug hole, completely mesmerised by the way they were sucked into nothing.

_Just like my parents. With me one minute and dead the next._

Fifteen minutes later I was strapped into Alice's car as we sped through Forks on our way to Port Angeles.

"Remind me why we're going to Port Angeles." I asked sullenly whilst staring blankly out of the window. _I really wish she could have just left me alone._

"We're going to have lunch and then you've _kindly_ agreed to help me pick out an outfit for Emmett's birthday party in two weeks." She grinned at me as I groaned. I knew what Alice was like around shops. It was more than likely that I would be dragged through every shop in Port Angeles today. Not only that, but I'd be left with her purse.

Alice took me into a little diner on the same street as the restaurant from last night. _Was that only last night? It feels like a lifetime ago._ I ordered a generic cheeseburger and fries with a vanilla shake from our waitress whilst Alice prattled on about nonsense foods. _Salad for lunch. Ridiculous_. _At least Bella eats fries. GOD! Have I really messed things up with her because I didn't kiss her?_

"She's not mad you know." Alice's voice interrupted my inner worrying.

"Who isn't mad?" I shrugged.

"Bella." She grinned impishly, "She just thinks that you don't see her like that."

"Alice." I groaned, "I really don't want to talk about the disaster last night."

"Why didn't you just kiss her? Jesus Edward, you're eighteen, not twelve."

"Alice." I growled, "I really don't want to talk about it."

"Well tough." She smiled. I groaned again, knowing that she wouldn't drop the subject, even if I tried to avoid it like the plague.

"I just… really chickened out at the last minute." I sighed, trying to gather my thoughts quickly, "I…uh… we had a really great night." I smiled at the memory of sitting in the park with her, eating our burgers, "We talked a shitload. But when it came time to say goodnight, I chickened out. I mean, what if she didn't want me to kiss her," I ran my hands through my hair, pulling it roughly, "I… what if she doesn't want me Alice. What if she's too busy dealing with the things she's dealing with to want to be with me?" I looked down at the table top and murmured, "What if she can't deal with being with me. I'm broken too Al. I can't get over something that I don't even remember. And Bella… Fuck. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore."

I looked up to see Alice with a very thoughtful expression. She tapped her lip with her fingertips before looking me dead in the eye.

"Bella isn't really broken Edward. She's just having to learn how to deal with her life. It scares the fuck out of her and I'm sure it's the worst thing in the world to be dealing with at eighteen. But just because there's something going on, doesn't mean that she can't deal with being with you. And just because there's the whole bipolar thing going on, doesn't mean you shouldn't try to be with her." She grinned and pointed a finger at me, "The problem does not define the person."

"Holy fuck. Alice, did you just quote Nurse Felix at me? I didn't even know that you paid attention in Health last year."

She giggled, "Just because he spouted a lot of weird things, doesn't mean that he didn't spout things that made sense… sometimes."

We broke off into a different conversation, reminiscing about our disastrous class last year with a Russian nurse who should probably be nursed instead of the one doing the nursing.

"But anyway, back to your situation with Bella."

"Alice." I whined, "Please? Can we not talk about this anymore?"

"Edward. She _wants_ to be with you."

"Mary Alice Brandon," I growled with more venom that was probably needed, "Will you leave it the fuck alone! I don't need you fucking around with this. If Bella wants to be with me then that's great. But we'll get to it in out own goddamned time." I hissed, "We don't need to meddling in this. It's not fucking nice anymore."

"Will you leave her alone man." I heard a southern drawl at my side.

"Will you get your woman under control?" I shouted at him before sliding out of the booth and walking away.

I started running. The sweat was pouring down my shoulders. I pushed myself harder and harder, my jeans chafing at my thighs. I don't know how far or long I ran for and I didn't care. It was only when I realised that the woods were familiar that I sped up, striving for home. For my bed, my memories and a chance to grieve. Alone.

My head told me to go home. My feet on the other hand, took me in a completely different direction. I barely realised where I was until I was standing in front of the headstones.

Elizabeth Catherine Masen

Beloved Daughter, Sister, Wife and Mother.

August 24th 1960 – September 14th 1993

And her husband

Edward James Masen

Much Loved Son, Husband and Father

May 13th 1960 – September 14th 1993

_Those who are gone, but never forgotten_

For the second time in less than a day, I fell to my knees as the misery took over once more.

"I miss you so much." I choked out through my tears, "I can't remember either of you. I needed you both."

I cried into the dirt that they lay beneath, the tears slowly drying up.

"I love you." I whispered before pulling myself up and brushing grass and muck off my jeans. I turned and ran again.

This time my feet lead me home. I ran flat out up the winding drive, through the front door and to my bedroom, taking the stairs two at a time in my haste. I took another shower, rinsing the sweat from my body. Eventually I ended up sitting in the bottom of the tub, the now cold water still running over me.

I heard the bathroom door creak open and Emmett mumble, "You okay, Muffin?"

"Just peachy Cupcake."

"Uh, you've been in here for over an hour now. Alice and Jasper are worried. I told them you're probably just having a wankathon, but they strongly suggested that I came and checked on you."

"Urgh, Em. If I was going to have a wankathon, do you really think I'd be doing it in a cold shower?"

"What ever floats your boat Muffin." I heard the smile in his voice, "Movie night at Alibee's. You don't have a choice apparently. So I'd suggest taking your hand off your dick for a while, you know it's supposed to fall off if you keep touching it, right?"

"Then yours is obviously long gone." I sighed, "Pass me a towel Cupcake. I love you and everything, but that doesn't mean I want to be naked with you."

I stood up and turned the water off poking my head around the curtain quick enough to catch the balled up towel that Emmett threw at me. I quickly wrapped it around my waist before getting out and walking to my room to get dressed.

Emmett was sitting on my bed, staring at the photograph of my mother and father.

"I miss mine too." He whispered.

"Can you remember your Mom and Dad?" I asked as I pulled underwear and socks out of my drawer and walked back to the bathroom to dry myself and put them on. I slipped on a fresh pair of jeans and headed back to my room.

"I don't really remember much about them." He sighed as he leant back on his hands, "I sometimes remember the way that my Mom smelt." He smiled and looked up at me, I saw the fresh tears in his eyes, "You know when Esme makes those little cakey cookie things at Christmas time?" I nodded, "That's something like how she used to smell."

"I can't remember anything Em. Not a single thing." I said, pulling a white t-shirt over my sopping wet hair, "I can't remember their voices, their smell, how it felt to hug them. I've got to look at photos to remember their faces."

We sat in silence for a few minutes, lost in our thoughts, before we heard feet thumping up the stairs.

"Time to go, I guess." Emmett grinned. I shrugged and went to the bathroom to run a towel over my head quickly. I slipped trainers on and trudged into the living room.

"Come on, we're going to get Bella." Alice chirped from the couch. If I'm completely honest, I thought she'd want to kill me for the scene I made in the diner in Port Angeles. From the look on Jasper's face though, he did.

I followed Alice to her car. She shouted to Em to pick up Rose and meet her at her house. She kissed Jasper sweetly on the mouth before handing him her house keys and instructing him to get popcorn. He narrowed his eyes at me and whispered something to her. She punched him in the arm and walked away. I got into her car and saw Jazz scowl thoroughly at me as he slipped his helmet on and kick-started his bike, something that I knew was really unnecessary.

Alice made her way down the drive. She had a conversation with me. Meaning that she did all of the talking. I was barely listening as she prattled on about planning Emmett's 18th party.

Before long we reached Bella's house. I was nervous. Sweaty palm, thundering heart and butterflies kind of nervous. She got out of the car before me, pointing out that Bella's monster truck wasn't in the drive.

I heard her make a phone call, chatting at the speed of light as per usual before she sat down beside me.

"Wanna talk?" She asked quietly.

"No."

"Okay." She leaned into my arm and whispered, "I'm doing this for your own good Edward."

"You don't know what's good for me Alice."

I stared blankly in front of me until I heard the beast coming down the street.

"Play nice dickface." Alice growled at me. I scowled back at her. _What the fuck did I do to deserve that? Oh, wait. I'm a complete fucking asshole today. Figures._

"Edward, move." Her words cut across me like a knife. _Fuck. I've actually hurt Alice today. I've hurt one of my best friends._

"You okay?" I heard Bella's soothing voice ask me. I nodded in reply, scared to open my mouth in case I hurt her too.

I heard the talking in the car, but didn't really pay attention. Once Alice stopped the car, I was out of it like a bullet out of a gun. I took the porch steps two at a time and bolted through the front door and flopped down on the couch.

"You're a dick Edward." Jasper growled at me, "Just be fucking glad that you're my friend and I understand what's going on with you. Any other day, I'd have killed you for speaking to her like that."

"I'm sorry Jazz." I whispered, "I know I'm a complete ass today."

"Hey guys." Bella chirped brightly as she sat down beside me.

I zoned out of the conversation, hearing parts of it. I assumed from the box set that Alice was holding that it was a LOTRfest. And I knew for a fact that Rose was out, which in turn, meant Emmett was out. I was staring at the large mirror above the fireplace in Alice's living room when I heard Emmett shout "Bye Muffin."

"Goodbye Cupcake." I yelled back at him. _Asshole. _I shook my head. _How long is this going to go on for?_

"Cupcake, huh? Do I want to ask?" Bella grinned at me.

I smiled back half-heartedly as Alice told the tale of our incident this morning.

I watched the films, but couldn't take anything in. I was distracted by the faint heat coming from Bella. Before the end of The Two Towers, I pulled the blanket from behind my head and draped it across both of us, I toed off my shoes and wrapped an arm around her to watch the end.

After I slid the third film into the DVD player and sat back down, I put my arm across her shoulder again.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong with you? I'm worried about you Edward." I heard her say softly as I turned to face her.

"I'm fine Bella." I smiled. _I'm fucking dying on the inside sweetheart._

"You know I still don't believe you right?"

"I know." I smiled again, "It's just a very bad day."

"What makes it such a bad day?"

"I'll tell you later."

"But you're okay? Right?" I could hear the worry painting her voice.

"Yes Isabella. I am fine."

I felt a sharp pain shoot through my right arm as she punched me and hissed "My name is Bella."

"Of course it is. And that actually hurt." I said, attacking her sides with my fingers. I could feel each of her ribs as I tickled up and down them. _I need to take better care of her. She's wasting away. _I grinned like a maniac as I continued my assault on her. I wanted to just pin her down and kiss her. I would have if Jasper hadn't woken up and told us to get a room.

I held Bella in place as she spoke to Alice and Jasper from her skewed place on my knees.

"Have you two got something to tell us?"

I saw red. A very violent bloody red.

I moved Bella from my lap and stood in front of Alice and Jazz. "Leave. It. Alone." I growled at Alice before storming out.

_How the fuck have I managed to do this twice in one day? I piss off Alice and have to walk home._

_Twice._

_My life fucking sucks._


	13. Chapter 13 Head On Collision

"_It feels like I'm at an all-time low__  
__Slightly bruised and broken__from our head on collision__  
__I've never seen this side of you__  
__Another tragic case of feeling__  
__Bruised and broken__from our head on collision__  
__I've never seen this side of you__  
__Another tragic case__  
__Another tragic case of feeling__bruised and broken__  
__Another tragic case and I've been__waiting for a good day__  
__Still waiting for a good day" Head On Collision – New Found Glory_

My name is Edward Masen. I'm kinda lost. I don't know what to do about it.

Once I'd walked home, I caught myself up with homework. I was so lost in my Trig homework that I didn't even hear the knock on my bedroom door until Carlisle was standing in my doorway.

"Hey." I mumbled, tearing my eyes away from the page of stupid problems to look at him.

"How're you holding up?" He asked using his _I've got bad news for you_ Doctor Voice.

"I'm okay." I sniffed. He raised an eyebrow at me, "Okay. I'm not fine. I've managed to piss off so many people today. Jasper probably wants to tear me limb from limb, Alice will probably never talk to me again, Emmett's been calling me Muffin since 10AM, although, I think I called him Cupcake first," I scratched the back of my neck, "And I'm pretty sure I've messed things up with Bella for the second time this weekend." I sighed heavily.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"I think you should." He suggested, using the Doctor voice again, "Edward, you're not handling this very well at all. For the last four or five years it's been getting worse. Your sleep definitely has been worse in the last two years. You're running so much. Your Aunt and I are worried." He said over his clasped hands.

"I just don't know what to do." I sobbed, breaking down for the umpteenth time today. Carlisle's strong arms wrapped around me._ It should be my father's arms around me, not his. _

"It's okay for you to feel sad about this Edward. But what's not okay is torturing yourself like this." He said to the top of my head, "Would you be willing to speak to someone about this?"

I immediately pulled back, "You want me to see a shrink?"

"I think you would benefit from talking to someone about this. We want our nephew back. That's all Edward. We just want you back."

I felt the weight of his words weigh me down. _Have I really changed that much? I know Emmett's handled everything so much better than me. But am I really that bad?_ I thought about the words running through my head.

"If you think that it's best." I said to the floor.

"I'll call in the morning. Could you stop into my bedroom and speak to Esme? She's having a bad day too."

I nodded and left my Uncle in my room, I didn't have it in me to call him Dad today. I felt like I was betraying my dead parents by calling anyone else Mom and Dad.

I stood at my Aunt and Uncle's bedroom door. _My mother's sister. How could I have forgotten that she lost them all too._ I rushed over to the huddled form on the bed, crawling beside her and pulling her to me, hugging her close.

"I can't believe it's been sixteen years." She whimpered as her tears fell onto my neck, "Sixteen years without my brothers, sisters and babies."

My heart broke for the woman who raised me. Yes, Elizabeth Masen was my Mother; she conceived, carried and gave birth to me. She took care of me for the first two years of my life. Esme Cullen stepped up after she died. She's taken care of me for sixteen years. Through all the skinned knees and tears, she's been there. _She's my Mom too._

"It's okay Mom. You've still got me and Em." I whispered as I squeezed her tighter. I heard the floor creak and turned to see Emmett standing in the doorway, looking like a lost boy. Esme looked up and opened up an arm for Emmett. The three of us lay in bed, holding on to each other. Emmett and I listened as she told us what she knew about our parents. She knew more about my mother and Emmett's father, seeing as they grew up together. I found comfort in her words.

It wasn't long before she was crying again, "They would have been so proud of you boys. I just hope I'm doing a good enough job for them."

"Mommy, you've done brilliantly." Em whispered into her back.

"Yeah, no one could have done better." I soothed as I stroked her hair.

The clock on her nightstand read 12:30AM by the time she and Em fell asleep. I extracted myself from their limbs and covered them with the duvet after slipping off their shoes.

"Dad?" I said from the doorway to his study. He looked up from his book and raised his eyebrows, "Um, Mom and Em are asleep in your bed. Uh, I think there's space for you, but if there isn't, you can wake Em up or sleep in either of our beds. Um… I'm gonna go finish some homework."

He got up from his seat and pulled me into a hug. "You're a good son and a good brother Edward. As sorry as I am about what happened, I'm glad we were allowed to keep you with us."

"Yeah, me too." I smiled as I started heading towards my bedroom, "Goodnight Dad."

"Goodnight Edward." I heard him call softly from his doorway.

I struggled through the remainder of my trigonometry problems, nothing making sense. I hated math at the best of times, but trying to finish the homework today was almost impossible.

I gave up and got changed into my running gear. I glanced at my alarm clock, 4AM. _Still enough time to run then get ready for school. _I rummaged around the bottom of my closet for the box containing my new headlamp and then grabbed my keys and iPod, making my way downstairs as quietly as possible.

After leaving a note on the kitchen counter for my parents, informing them that I was taking the car to La Push so I could run the forest trail for a change, I walked quickly to the garage and hopped into my car.

I sped on my way to La Push, hoping that Forks PD were more occupied with playing cards than catching speeders at this time of the morning.I pulled in at a lay-by, grabbing my headlamp and locking the car once I got out. Once I turned the light on the headlamp, I arranged it on my head, tightening the strap around my skull so it would stay put.

The smell of the forest was fresh and invigorating. My thigh muscles burned with the speed I was forcing myself to start running at. My feet kept a steady pace as they pounded the soft ground. The wailing guitar of Avenged Sevenfold assaulted my eardrums. The tempos of the songs making me either speed up or slow down to keep in time.

I ran through the forest and along the beach, feeling the pebbles shifting under my feet with every stride. By the time I got back to the car, I was just starting to sweat. I unlocked the car and pulled my phone out of the glove box to check the time. It was only quarter to five so I decided to run again.

Bat Country played loud in my ears as I passed through the trees again. My legs burned this time around, the tired sort of burn. My lungs ached as I tried to pull air into them.

I thought of nothing as I ran, the music too loud to aid thinking. When the lyrics to Seize The Day started, I found myself thinking of Bella and the ways I've messed up with her this weekend. I didn't kiss her when I knew I should have. I know for a fact that I was blowing hot and cold with her today, I was playful and attentive one minute then cold and angry the next.

_No one deserves that,_ I thought to myself as I started running along the pebbled beach again.

_Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost__  
__It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over_

_  
__I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time__  
__But I'm too young to worry__  
__These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past___

_I found you here, now please just stay for a while__  
__I can move on with you around__  
__I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?__  
__I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done__  
__We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you___

_I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time__  
__But I'm too young to worry_

_A melody, a memory, or just one picture___

_Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost__  
__It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over__-_

The lyrics were suddenly falling on deaf ears as a light shined on the side of my face, scaring the shit out of me. I turned and looked in the direction of the light and saw Bella perched on a chunk of driftwood on the beach, smiling. I stopped running very suddenly, almost falling over my feet in the process, before I jogged slowly towards her, trying to catch my breath.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I smiled at her sitting down on the driftwood beside her.

"Uh, I went for a walk and ended up here." She shrugged

"You walked from Forks to La Push?" _Why would you walk to La Push in the middle of the night? _I smiled as I sarcastically answered _why would you run through La Push in the middle of the night? _"Why?"

"I felt like it. You know, I don't see why I should answer your questions Edward. You never answer any of mine." She hissed at me.

_I've really fucked up here haven't I? But what the hell?_

"What?"

"You never answer any of my questions, so I'm not going to answer any of yours." She said as she folded her arms across her chest. I watched her face as she sat up straighter before she snorted.

"Why did you just snort?"

"Not answering." She sang in a very Alice like manner.

"FINE!" I yelled at her, I really didn't want her to be annoyed at me anymore, "Fine. What do you want to know?"

"Edward, are you seriously this easy?"

_I'll be as easy as you want me to be Bella._

"Yes. But I'm only this easy with you." I smiled.

"Why have you been such a sourpuss today? And what the hell was that thing with Ali before you stormed off? And by the way, I just _loved_ the way you threw me on the couch." She threw the questions as me, snarling the last part.

I tore my eyes away from her as I felt them filling up again; I twisted my fingers together, sorting through the words in my head, before deciding to just tell her everything. I looked back up at her, "My parents died sixteen years ago today Bella. And I can't remember a thing about them anymore." I looked away before I saw the pity in her eyes. I couldn't stand to have her pity me. I sniffed and cleared my throat, "That's why I've been an ass today. The thing with Alice, uhm. Well… she was pestering me earlier about… uh… last night and um, well I sort of yelled at her in a diner about meddling with us." I cringed at the thought of my behaviour with Alice earlier, "And I'm sorry about the couch thing. I really am." I looked back at her face, not sure what I was reading there, "What is it?"

"What did you mean about yelling at Alice for meddling with us?"

"Um, well." I cleared my throat again, "She wanted to talk about last night and… um… she said some stuff, I said some stuff and then flew off the handle." I shrugged. _I have never stuttered this much in my entire life! _

"Why did she want to talk about last night?" She blushed. Even in the pre-dawn darkness, I could still see the red tint to her cheeks.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as I though about an answer to her question.

_Fuck it. _

"She wanted to know why I didn't kiss you." I muttered to the almost-sand at my feet.

"Can I ask something?" I heard her say softly. I nodded and raised an eyebrow, waiting, "Why didn't you kiss me?"

"Uh, I wasn't really sure if you felt like that towards me." I blurted out. I looked up at her to find her giggling silently with her hands over her face. I wrapped a hand around her wrist and pulled it away, "What?"

She wriggled slightly and turned red again.

"Uh, I wanted you to kiss me." She said softly.

"You did?" I asked as she nodded, "Do you still want me to?" Another nod, "Can I kiss you now?"

"Yes." She whispered.

I leaned in towards her, much like last night except this time I pressed my lips softly to hers instead of her cheek. I brought my hands up and held her face between them, my thumbs stroking her cheeks before I pulled away.

Her face broke into a grin between my palms. My heart fluttered. _I'm such a woman. But I put that smile on her face._

I smiled back at her, leaning my forehead against hers and closing my eyes.

I kissed her again, her soft lips moving in perfect synch against mine. _I'm kissing Bella Swan._ The thought made me grin against our kiss. She pulled back and quirked an eyebrow at me.

"What is it?"

I continued grinning like a fool before kissing her softly again and muttering, "I was kissing you," against her lips, causing her to smile again.

We both turned to watch the sun starting to rise on the horizon. I pulled her into my arms and kissed the side of her head. We lost ourselves for a while on our makeshift seat, stealing glances and grins at each other.

"Do you have the time?" She asked suddenly, her eyes wide and panicked.

"Uh, no I don't. My phone's in the car." I explained, "I think we should be getting back though. It'll be time for school soon. I'll give you a ride home."

She nodded and stood up, brushing the seat of her pants before turning to look at me questioningly.

"What?" I asked.

"Are you coming or not?" She giggled.

I shot up from my seat and grabbed her hand, pulling her along the beach and back to the trail leading to my car. We walked in silence, I was still grinning ear to ear. _I kissed Bella. I kissed Bella. I kissed Bella. I kissed Bella._ I looked over at her, only to find her frowning.

"What's wrong?" I asked, stopping and turning her to face me.

"It's, uh… it's nothing. I'm good."

_She regrets kissing me. Fuck._

"Bella, will you please tell me? Was it the kissing?" I mumbled, "Because if it was the kissing, I'm sorry."

"Edward it definitely was not the kissing." She frowned harder, "uh. I'm sorry. The whole night's kinda creeping up on me again." She whispered turning and walking ahead of me.

I walked beside her, our arms brushing.

"What happened?"

She told me about her evening after leaving Alice's. I listened as she bluntly told me about wanting to cut into her arm like she used to, just to feel something else. I shivered unpleasantly at the thought of Bella doing that to herself. I couldn't imagine why someone would do that.

She was still talking when we reached the car. I unlocked the doors and held the passenger side open for her, closing it once she slid into the seat. Once I got in the driver's side and started the car, she resumed her story.

"So my Dad comes barging into my room, gun in hand, and scares the absolute hell out of me. It kind of replaced the whole low thing I had going on. But now I'm sort of back down there. Which I really shouldn't be. I should be fucking ecstatic just now." She huffed, slumping down the seat and folding her arms across her chest.

"What's wrong?" I asked, "Besides feeling low?"

"I'm so pissed off at myself." She growled, "Me and my stupid body are on opposite sides."

"What do you mean?" I asked, making a u-turn in the middle of the road and heading towards Forks. I looked over at her, only to notice her crimson cheeks, "Why are you blushing?"

"Stupid blush," She grumbled, squirming in her seat, "I should be all happy and crap right now. And instead my stupid body is torturing me. I should be all girly and shit cause you just kissed me." She huffed, slinking down lower in her seat.

"How about I go all girly enough for the both of us?" I smiled over at her before inwardly cringing. _Shit! Did I just seriously say that? Edward Anthony Masen, MAN UP!_ "You know if you slouch down any farther, you're going to be sitting in the foot well." I grinned.

"Ha ha." She snarked back.

I hadn't realised that I was speeding again, before I even realised that I had been zooming at 90 miles an hour, I was turning into Bella's street.

Stopping outside her house, I turned in my seat to face her, "Can I pick you up for school?" I asked as the butterflies that have taken a near permanent residence in my stomach fluttered uncomfortably. A little smile graced her face as she nodded.

"Edward, what time is it? You never told me."

I pulled my phone out of the glove box and unlocked the screen. Groaning inwardly I managed to tell her it was almost seven. Her eyes went wide as she hurriedly unbuckled her seat belt and tried to get out of the car.

"I'll pick you up in about forty-five minutes." I shouted to her retreating form. She ran up the path and flew through her front door.

I put the car in gear and tore off in the direction of my house. I was really going to have to rush.

Once I parked the car, I ran to my room, rushed through a shower and dressed as quickly as I could. I ran the damp towel through my hair before heading to the kitchen for a very quick breakfast.

Emmett was sitting alone at the table, inhaling a ridiculous amount of cereal from a salad bowl with a pitcher of orange juice beside his arm.

"How the hell can you eat so much?" I gasped from the doorway, "And you know Mom will kill you for eating out of the salad bowl again."

"Yeah, well she's not up, so I can eat out of whatever I want." He shrugged, "Anyway, I'm a growing boy, I need all of the food I can get."

"I'll be so happy when your metabolism slows down and you end up fat." I grinned as he shook his head.

"Not a chance Muffin." He grinned back at me, "I've got Rosie, no way in hell I'm going to end up fat." He waggled his eyebrows.

"Gross." I mumbled under my breath. I really did not need a mental picture of Em and Rose going at it first thing in the morning. "Is there coffee on?" I asked, diverting the conversation."

"Nope." He grinned.

"Idiot." I grinned back. I started a pot of coffee for Esme and grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl, "I'm going to pick up Bella. See you at school."

"What's wrong with the beast?"

I turned away from the fruit bowl and headed towards the door. "Nothing's wrong with the truck, I'm just picking her up for school." I called over my shoulder.

"You went for it, Muffin, didn't you?" Emmett yelled. I kept walking.

"Bye Cupcake! See you at school!" I turned back for one quick look, just before turning into the garage. Emmett, shaking his ass and shimmying around the kitchen counter with milk dribbling down his chin, was doing is own slightly retarded version of a victory dance. I snorted at my ridiculous brother and bolted to my car.

I spent the drive to her house trying to figure out what I was going to say to her.

"Hey Bella. Are you feeling better?" _Asshole. _

"Morning Bella, are you still low?" _Dick._

"Hey Bells." I mumbled, falling over my own tongue as she got into my car. Her hair was a tangled looking wet knot at the base of her skull. Her eyes were purple underneath and she was still beautiful. _Woman, woman, WOMAN!_

"Tired?" I asked as I pulled away from the curb and drove out of her street.

"Mmhmm."

"I'll wake you up if you fall asleep in bio." I laughed.

"How the hell do you manage this shit Eddie?" She mumbled from her seat. She was slumped down again, huddled inside her jacket with her arms folded across her chest and her eyes closed.

"Just used to it I guess Bells." I shrugged. I pulled into student parking and pulled up in my usual spot in between Jasper's bike and Em's jeep. I glared at the jeep, like I did every morning, muttering under my breath before looking over at Bella who was very obviously asleep in the seat.

I shook her arm gently, "Bells? We're here." She opened her eyes and mumbled before scrubbing her hands over her face and blinking a few times.

"Let's go and find Alice. She has to have some caffeine." She murmured.

I helped her out of her side of the car. "Everyone's looking at us." She gasped.

"Oh well, what the hell." I grinned as I slung an arm across her shoulders and walked towards school, grinning at everyone who looked our way.

_That's right fuckers. I'm with Bella Swan._


	14. Chapter 14 I'd Kill To Fall Asleep

**A/N: Massive thanks to Lauren, especially for the last few chapters. And also to the ever loyal Life Takes Time, you rock!**

"_They say that when you sleep your body's at rest__  
__I wouldn't know what sleep felt like if I tried my best__  
__If polaroids and memories can fade away, so can I..._

_Back and forth I toss and turn__  
__It feels like strings are holding up my eyes_

_I'd kill to fall asleep" I'd Kill To Fall Asleep – New Found Glory_

My name is Bella Swan. Fuck off and let me sleep.

After Edward dropped me off, I ran full pelt into the bathroom. I hurried my shower, foregoing shaving my legs for washing my hair. _Seems reasonable._ I scrubbed my scalp roughly in the spray of water and hurriedly rubbing shampoo onto my head. I slathered the conditioner haphazardly through my hair, more conditioner falling onto the bottom of the bath tub than being smoothed through my hair.

_Fuck you, conditioner, I really don't have time for this._

I rinsed my hair, shutting the water off and streaking to my room, the towel threatening to fall at any moment. I dried my body, leaving my hair in a tangled mess on my head until I was dressed.

After rummaging through my meagre wardrobe, I gave up. I threw on yesterday's jeans and a slogan t-shirt that Phil had mailed for my birthday. _Come over to the dark side, we have cookies. _I grinned at the shirt before putting it on. I missed him. We texted a few times a day and I called once a week. But it wasn't enough. I still missed him.

I sat down in front of the mirror and dragged a brush through my hair. The knots and snarls pulling painfully against my scalp as I ruthlessly ran the brush over them again and again until they came out. I ended up just putting the knots back into my hair as I wound it around itself and secured it at the back of my head with a hair tie.

I brushed my teeth and slurped too-hot coffee in an attempt to wake up. My shower had made me feel sleepy.

_Today is going to be horrible._

Forty-three minutes had passed since Edward had dropped me off at my house and I was leaving again.

I locked the front door and stood out on the curb waiting for him to turn up.

My mind was reeling from the kiss and bogged down with the weight of my current plunge at the same time.

I saw a flash of sliver in the corner of my eye and stood up straight. Edward had hardly stopped the car before I was in and buckled up.

"Hey Bells." He murmured, looking me over for a second, "Tired?"

I made some form of grunting communication to indicate that I was indeed stupidly tired. I slumped down in my seat, getting comfortable. I shut my eyes and crossed my arms across my chest, burrowing into my jacket.

I had absolutely no idea how Edward could manage surviving on hardly any sleep most of the time. My sleep had been sporadic when I was manic before. I'd stayed awake from three days at my worst, but I'd slept for another two when the high disappeared. _How the hell do you manage this shit Eddie?_ I thought to myself.

Apparently the combined hum of the Volvo, the gentle music coming from the stereo and the warmth of my jacket had cased me to fall asleep. I was woken by a gentle shaking on my arm and Edward's velvet and honey voice telling me we were at school.

"Stupid damn walk in the middle of the goddamn night." I cursed at myself, rubbing a hand over my face. I muttered some form of craziness about finding Alice and caffeine from my sleep deprived mouth as Edward helped me out of the car. I looked around the lot; almost every head was turned in our direction.

"Everyone's looking at us." I choked, mortified. I looked back at Edward, whose face had broken into another smile.

"Oh well, what the hell." He smiled at me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I shrunk into his side and kept my head down as he gently guided us through the maze of parked cars to find our friends. I tore my eyes away from my feet to look at him again, to find him still grinning.

"Why you smiley." I grumped as we walked through the front door of the school. _God that almost sounded intelligent in my head._

"I was kissing you an hour and a half ago." He grinned wider, causing me to smirk along with him. I stretched up on my tiptoes and placed a kiss on his jaw. "What was that for?"

"Just cause."

His arm tightened around me as we walked through the corridors. We stopped at my locker to dump books in it and pick up my history text book. Edward stood at my side as I emptied my book bag, leaning against the locker next to mine.

"I hate to sound like a fourteen year old girl but can I please kiss you again?"

I looked around us, seeing faces staring back at us, "Um, Edward, there are people everywhere, and most of them are staring right at us." He pushed off the locker and closed the small gap between us.

"Bella, I wouldn't care if everyone in the entire school was staring right at us." He murmured, ghosting his hands up my arms. One set of pale fingers came to a halt on my neck as his left hand travelled up to my cheek, "Please say I can kiss you," He whispered in my ear, his warm breath fanning across my face, causing me to shiver.

"You can kiss me." I whispered back, turning my head to meet his lips. Our mouths connected with an electric pulse that had my heart beating in my ears. The faces staring at us in the corridor were the farthest thing from my mind. He captured my bottom lip in between his before releasing it and pulling back to look at me with his devastatingly beautiful smile.

His smile was lost as I was turned around and met with a screeching Alice.

"I _told_ you!" She sang, bouncing on the spot and clapping her hands, "Didn't I tell you?" I looked at Jasper over her shoulder. He shrugged and mouthed "What" at me with a smirk.

"Alice, will you calm down please?" Edward said lightly to her. It was the first time I'd heard him be cordial to her since Saturday. She jumped at him, throwing her arms around her neck and squealing. I heard him murmur that he was sorry to her.

Jasper walked over and pried Alice off of Edward, "Yeah, I have no control." He grinned, patting Edward on the shoulder.

"About that," Edward groaned, rumpling the back of his hair, "I'm really sorry about the whole 'control your woman' thing yesterday, I was out of line with everyone."

"Dude. No blood, no foul." Jazz grinned, thumping his shoulder again.

The bell rang above us and I trudged off to English with Alice.

"Oh, I thought you'd like this." She said, producing a bottle of Coke.

"Ali, you're my fucking hero." I groaned as I opened the cap and let the gassy caffeinated goodness slide down my throat, "Not quite a skinny vanilla latte with a double shot, but it'll do." I grinned as we took our seats.

This day could not possibly go any slower. English with Alice passed quickly with her incessant chattering, but History went slower than the dead. I sat beside Angela Weber and tried to discuss our weekend before Mr Finch instructed us to get out our textbooks and start reading the third chapter. My tired eyes couldn't handle the reading. Angela had to nudge me every five minutes to keep me awake.

French was much the same; I was in no mood to conjugate verbs. Alice did the work for both of us in French and Trig, and I promised with my hand over my heart to do the homework for both classes.

I spend the first half of lunch with my head on the table. Too tired to eat, speak or even move. Edward was missing from our table. I tried to voice my observation and failed. I closed my eyes and let myself settle.

"I'll wake you before the bell rings." I heard Jasper whisper to me.

"Yeah, but you'll only have one eyebrow left." Emmett chuckled. I heard the thwack, thwack and thump after his comment and knew that Alice and Rosalie had both got head slaps and Jasper had probably punched him in the shoulder.

_I love my friends._ I sighed and let the world pass my by. I felt him before I knew he was even there. I also smelt… coffee?

My eyes were open and I sat ramrod straight in my seat.

"I can smell coffee." I rasped.

"Hey sleeping beauty." Velvet. Honey. Edward. I grinned as I turned to face him. He placed two cardboard cups on the table and pulled out his chair, sitting down and wrapping an arm around my shoulder, "I thought you'd like a coffee."

"You are my other hero." I groaned as I took a sip of the warm liquid. _Vanilla latte. Heaven._

"Who's your first?"

"I am." Alice piped up, "I gave her a bottle of Coke this morning."

"So what am I? Chopped liver?" Emmett boomed.

"You didn't bring her something to keep her awake." Alice chirped.

"Oh I could keep you awake Bellarino." He chuckled, waggling his eyebrows. I watched the double thwack, thump and thud as Alice and Rose coordinated their attack, and Jazz went for his right shoulder and Edward his left. I sat in my chair and giggled.

"And that's what you get Emmett." I laughed, sipping at my coffee before turning to Edward, "How did you remember that I liked vanilla lattes?"

"We all went for coffee the day you got your stitches out." He smiled gently. I cringed as I remembered that day. "You talked about the coffee for about an hour after we left. I thought you needed perking up."

My mind flickered back to the hospital trip to have my stitches removed. The cuts had healed and were puckered by the sutures. It hurt like a bitch having them removed.

"_Bella." Edward growled as he placed a hand firmly on my knee to stop it bouncing, "Sit fucking still." _

"_I can't!" I whined. I was so nervous I felt like hurling._

"_Bella, calm down." Alice whispered from my other side. The six of us were sat in the waiting room of Carlisle's practice. They were here for moral support. Either that or to laugh at my pain. _

"_Isabella Swan?" A blonde nurse called out. I stood up and walked towards her, turning back to my friends. _

"_Someone come with me?" I whispered. I felt sick. Alice shook her head as did everyone except Edward._

"_Pussies." He hissed at them, walking towards me._

"_Dr. Cullen will be with you in a second." The blonde nurse smiled as she led us to a curtained bed, "Just hop up on the bed."_

_She disappeared as Carlisle came around the curtain._

"_Miss Swan." He smiled, "Edward."_

"_Hi Dr. Cullen."_

"_Hey Dad." Edward grinned._

"_Let's see how these have healed shall we?" He said as he gently removed the bandages from my wrists and inspected the stitches, "Yep, they've healed well and will definitely be coming out today. Can I ask why you still wear the bandages though?"_

"_Uh…" I was lost for words. My brain was dead. _Is it possible to get brain dead and still be able to function?

"_The sutures were catching on her clothes and pulling." Edward jumped in for me. I thanked him with a smile. My stomach was churning uncomfortably, "Dad, you're gonna have to be quick with his. She looks like she's gonna puke."_

"_Sure thing."_

_Five agonising minutes later, I was stitch free and sitting in the back of Alice's car with Edward._

"_Did you guys hear her scream?" He laughed. I punched him in the arm muttering for him to shut the hell up._

_We stopped at a coffee shop before heading home._

_  
"My treat." Edward smiled cockily, "You deserve a treat seeing as my Dad didn't even offer you a lollypop for what he did." _

_I punched him again. "Vanilla Latte. _Please._"_

_Twenty minutes later, I was back in Alice's car._

"_That coffee was soooo good." I smiled._

"_Yeah, that's the sixth time you've said that now." Edward chuckled._

"_Is not."_

"_Is too."_

"_Is not."_

"_GUYS!" Jasper shouted, "Will you two please stop it! You're eighteen, not eight!"_

"_Is too." He hissed at me._

_I punched him again._

I smiled at the end of that memory. I'd punched Edward a lot in the last five weeks. I was surprised that he didn't have a fist print on his right bicep from my digs.

Once the coffee was finished and began to work its magic, I was more involved in the conversation.

I felt my mind starting to whirr gently, but gathering speed.

_Fuck, please not now. Not now. No._

My leg bounced of its own accord, my fingers twitched restlessly around the empty coffee container.

"You okay?" Edward's smooth voice asked in my ear.

"Yeah. I'm good." I said, barely opening my mouth. I would not embarrass myself by spouting my nonsense.

I hadn't been manic since I'd been taken off my medication. I had been happy, hyper and felt alive. But I hadn't been the crazy sort of hyper that I could feel spreading through my limbs.

The room seemed to brighten up. The colours became vivid and the slight draft swirling around the cafeteria was energising.

_I'm fucked. How the hell am I supposed to hide the crazy? _

The shrill bell behind my head rang, signalling the end of lunch. I jumped up from my seat, grabbed my bag and waited almost impatiently as Edward rose fluidly from his chair at in excruciatingly slow pace.

I had some control on myself as we walked hand in hand to Bio. Inside my head, I was dancing and twirling through the corridors, laughing and singing.

I ignored Jessica Stanley's sneer as we passed her outside the class and heard her hiss, "what the fuck is he doing with _her._"

Nothing could bring me down right now. I was flying again.

Mr. Banner was talking slower than usual. I couldn't pay attention to him. Edward was giving me sideways glances and holding my leg down, stopping my bouncing.

I was starting to feel out of control. When I got to out of control, that's when I started feeling uneasy.

"Edward." I hissed near the end of class.

"Finally." He huffed.

"What do you mean 'finally'?"

"I've been waiting for you to tell me that you're high since lunch."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Not unless you know what to look for." He frowned, "Why?"

"I don't like people knowing what's wrong with me."

"Are you okay?"

I shook my head rapidly. "No." I whimpered, "I'm really not okay. I'm starting to get really… weird."

He laughed and raised and eyebrow.

"Oh, fuck you." I grinned, "Weirder than normal then. I'm starting to freak out."

The bell rang outside the classroom and the rush to make it to the next class began.

I repacked my unopened notebook and textbook into my bag and turned to say goodbye to Edward.

I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes. I was getting more and more out of control. It was getting harder to focus, to function. I started panicking. My breath came in short, sharp bursts.

"Bella?"

"G…get m-me out of here." I pleaded with him, "Please?"

"Come on."

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and took me to his car.

I sat and shook in his car as the mania turned into anxiety. The wind was roaring in my ears. Every sound was amplified. My breathing was erratic, my heart thundering in my chest as my body trembled.

Edward was running a hand over my arm as he drove to my house, "Bella? Honey? Can you hear me?"

I nodded. Words wouldn't come to me. They were stuck.

_I'm stuck inside my own body. How the fuck do I get out of here. Oh no. I'm trapped here like this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck-_

"Bells, you need to calm down. Take slow, deep breaths."

I tried. I was still gasping. The panic had taken over me. I was no longer happy. I was completely terrified. Tears starting trickling down my cheeks.

"Bella, come on! In…and out. Try it. Please. In…" He took a breath and held it before exhaling, "And out."

I tried. And failed again.

"C-c…can't-tt"

He parked the car in my drive, behind the beast, and helped me out of the car. He had our bags slung over his left shoulder and his right arm around my torso as I shook violently with every step I took.

I stumbled to the front door and let Edward unlock it. My trembling legs took me to my bedroom by themselves.

"I'm just gonna make a few calls Bella. I'll let your Dad know what's going on. I'll phone school too."

"Nn…no."

"Yes." He said firmly, "I'm calling. End of. Come on, you need to lie down and try to breathe normally."

He settled me onto my bed and took my phone from my bag. He dialled the station.

"Chief Swan please." He barked, tapping his fingers against his leg. "Chief Swan, its Edward Masen… Yes sir… It's about Bella… She had a panic attack at school… she's okay. Her breathing's better, but she's still shaking… Yes sir, I'm taking care of her… Of course I will… Yes sir… I will… Goodbye."

He turned to me and smoothed down my hair as I rocked gently from side to side on my bed. "Your Dad will be home in about an hour. I've to keep you safe till then. He says if you haven't calmed down properly by then, he's taking you to the hospital." My eyes widened. Surely he wouldn't actually have me admitted for having a panic attack. "He says that you're to sit on the rocking chair and try and calm down."

"C-can't mm-move." I stuttered. He wrapped my blanket around me and lifted me to the chair, sitting curled up on his lap with my head tucked under his chin as he rocked us.

After a while, I noticed the gasping was gone. I could breathe easier. The rocking was calming me down. I remembered that this was how Charlie used to calm me down at night when I was younger. He'd sat in this chair with me until I fallen asleep every time I'd had nightmares at his house.

Edward was stroking my hair as he rocked us back and forward, humming a tune to himself.

"Thank you." I whispered to his chest as my head cleared. I felt completely drained. I knew I was limp in his arms.

"What for?"

"Being there to save me." I sighed and snuggled closer to him, "For being my hero."

He chuckled and buried his face in my hair.

"I'll always be there to save you Bella. I don't have the strength to stay away from you."

We sat in silence, Edward still rocking us gently. My eyes started to droop. I tried to fight against the sleep, I eventually lost.

Through the haze of sleep, I heard my father speaking and Edward's muffled reply.

"It's okay Chief Swan, I don't really want to leave her."

"Why not? I know she's your friend, but surely you have other things to do?"

"She's not just my friend, sir. I think she's my girlfriend now. Possibly." I heard the uncertainty in his voice.

"Just do me a favor?" There was a long pause, "Just don't hurt her. Please? My little girl's got a pretty tough deal right now. I don't want you fucking everything up for her. If you even think of hurting her, just remember, I own a gun."

"He wont." I grumbled hoarsly.

"Are you really awake this time?" I felt Edward chuckle. I sat up as much as my body would let me. My entire being felt like jelly. I opened my eyes and looked at him, frowning.

"Why?"

"You've been talking for a while."

I groaned. I thought I'd grown out of talking in my sleep. I heard my bed creaking as Charlie sat down on it.

"She always spoke in her sleep." He smiled softly, "It was like getting an insight into my little girl's world."

I turned back to Edward, "I didn't say anything embarrassing did I?"

"Depends on what you think embarrassing is." He chuckled, "You said my name quite a few times."

I groaned again and felt my treacherous cheeks flame.

"Bells, I think the boy has a question for you." Dad said gently as he stood up and walked out of the room, "Play nice. Not too late though Edward. Thank you for today."

"Anytime Chief."

The door shut with a soft click and we listened to Charlie's heavy footsteps going down the stairs.

"Um… Bella?"

"Yes Edward. I would." I kissed his cheek and smiled at the confused expression on his face.

"You would what?" He frowned.

"Yes, I would like to be your girlfriend."

He grinned again, "Really?"

"Yes, really."

He pulled me back into his cuddle and resumed rocking. My eyes started closing again. I felt his warm lips on my forehead.

"Sleep, my Bella."

**A/N: Yes, another one. Ha ha. Guys, thank you so much for all of your reviews and also for sticking with this story when I'm so sporadic with the updates. I hope you enjoyed this one.**


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